Manager: Absolutely everything must be done with libraries, vanilla JS solutions are absolutely prohibited!

Manager: Why is our app so slow to load? Is there a library we can install to speed the loading up?

Me: purchases Amazon Fire stick TV

Amazon: thank you for your purchase, we recommend buying a Fire stick TV Lite.

Me: so, you want me to buy the cheaper model of the item I just bought?

Amazon: hell yea, it'll go nicely with your current Fire Stick TV and offer even less functionality,

I did get a raise but we also hired like 5 new people... But I still do the same amount of work... Which was already too much...

git commit -am "trying to make the fucking database work locally"

Whomever invented regular expressions was both a genius and a madman.

Contrary to popular belief, after having been in the working world I've realized that what matters and what is of value is book knowledge, not experience.

I find 'experience' an overglorified waste of time. Having in-depth knowledge of everything is what's important.

Lmao I’ve never learned how to program. I’m just winging it and have been able to fool everyone the last 10 years.

Senior engineer checking in.

Me: This guy has some great teach tweets. I should follow him...

*Next 20 tweets are about his cat

*sigh*

Saw-ftware engineering horror movie concepts

Fuck our new project manager.

Literally all she does in her time is schedule meetings for others and send us emails stating that X needs to be done by date or why are we delayed with Y. Then she even manages to completely screw us with the meetings she schedules.

Today I woke up to seeing a beautiful gapless column of colorful rectangles in my dairy.... for today. And last time I saw this Monday it only had 2.5 hours of meetings!!

Now a lot of us from our team had the Friday afternoon off so it may be that she did this beautiful piece of artwork during that time, in which case she could somewhat rightfully say that we should have taken a look at it. But we actually have a convention to only schedule planning meetings for Mondays which these fucking aren't and even if she hadn't known this, who the fuck schedules a ton of meetings to Monday?! from a Friday afternoon?!?!

By the way the new pretty pink and orange meetings I have today are about actually important topics in between which I would normally appreciate to grab a tea or at least use the fucking restroom. Officially I only have a 45 minute lunch break all day.

Oh and naturally she sets up the meetings as organiser so that we can only suggest her new times and can't change it on our own.

But naturally PM lady never actually attends the meetings because she wouldn't understand shit. So when my fav female colleague, Sammy and I joined our 11am meeting, the first thing Sammy said - well after I greeted her by "wtf" - is to just leave the call on while we grab brunch.

So here I am sitting in the close by park with my brunch and thought I could use the now extended lunch break time efficiently by ranting my ass of and asking you guys why the fuck such people like our PM get paid.

Happy Holi Indian devs!

Hey, you know that screwdriver followup ticket you’ve been working on for several weeks? Yeah, I want it to use <feature> that I’ve never told you about and I know you’ve never used, and it looks like that means rewriting most of it! Also, I still want it done by tonight.

ASDFJ;katharevousa;hsh;klasdf

Soo not happening.

The most painful moment of Unit Testing .....

I've been asked by my manager to document my TypeScript project with more than a hundred .ts files such that "someone with no programming background should be able to maintain it."

I should get paid as a textbook author.

Idiot Americans who think that mm.dd.yyyy has any right to exist

Got a 3D printer, printed myself a kitters

8 months into a complex Agile project, managing multiple Scrum teams -
I still feel it would go much faster if I just do it myself.

So I told my wife one week ago: "Yeah, you should totally learn to code as well!"

Yesterday a package arrived, containing a really beautiful hardcover book bound in leather, with a gold foil image of a snake debossed into the cover, with the text "In the face of ambiguity -- Refuse the temptation to guess" on it.

Well, OK, that's weird.

My wife snatches it and says: "I had that custom made by a book binder". I flip through it. It contains the Python 3.9 language reference, and the PEP 8 styleguide.

While I usually dislike paper dev books because they become outdated over time, I'm perplexed by this one, because of how much effort and craftsmanship went in to it. I'm even a little jealous.

So, this morning I was putting dishes into the dishwasher, and she says: "Please let me do that". I ask: "Am I doing anything wrong?"

Wife responds: "Well, it's not necessarily wrong, I mean, it works, doesn't it? But your methods aren't very pythonic. Your conventions aren't elegant at all". I don't think I've heard anyone say the word "pythonic" to me in over a decade.

And just now my wife was looking over my shoulder as I was debugging some lower level Rust code filled with network buffers and hex literals, and she says: "Pffffff unbelievable, I thought you were a senior developer. That code is really bad, there are way too many abbreviated things. Readability counts! I bet if you used Python, your code would actually work!"

I think I might have released something really evil upon the world.

First year of college. We had to write a program in assembly to let lights go on and off slowly but I couldn't get it to work and googled the shit out of it trying to get it to work to no avail. So I go to the teacher as I expected him to have a bit more documentation/knowledge on how the shit worked. He literally said oh let me google that for you. Which made me go 🤦‍♂️. In the end I never figured out how to get the lights on or off but luckily my team mates did a good enough job to get us passed in the class.

CS Professor: “What M word is the black hole to all productivity?”

Student: “Management”

CS Professor: “Was going to say meetings but that’s better”

This thing really got me laughing.

Uhhh look at me I R node.js developer I R so smart I write Java Scripts on the backend uuuhhhhhh

Idiots.

Different year same shit

Jesus Christ, how did that even get past QA. Non-resizable widget that nobody asked for where the text doesn't even fucking fit.. and that's not devRant compression... the text is fucking blurry for some reason????

Optimizing the queries and backend

OR

Hiding the waiting time with funny animations and weird preloading techniques

Catch: let marketing decide

The intern: FUUUUCK, WHY ISN'T MY CODE WORKING?
Me: Lemme check real quick... ok, that's a null pointer exception.
The intern: Again? Man, I'm growing desperate. How do I stop making these errors?
My dumb ass with my 4 years coding experience, who encountered a nullpointerexception literally 5 minutes earlier: """"°-°""""

My company decided to reinvent the wheel by writing its own queue system instead of using the existing message queue service.

And it uses plain PHP with exec() to run the workers.

Where do we store the job? We use mongoDB which is already used in our existing projects. We can query the collection/table each time the queue service start, execute the jobs, and let it exit if there's no job anymore. Don't worry, systemd will start the queue service again once it exits.

How to monitor the workers? Yep, we use ps and grep to check if the worker's PID still exists in the OS.

What about error stack traces? Nice question, we redirect the stdout and stderr when exec()-ing into a file.

What about timeout? We don't need it, let's just assume no one is going to write while(true).

It works flawlessly! /s

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

Hi everyone,

Over the last couple of days we experienced an issue posting images on devRant posts and comments. This issue should now be fixed.

Apologies for the delay, it to address, it took some digging and we had some alerting that failed that would have helped quickly identify the source of the issue, but unfortunately that part of the alerting wasn't working as expected.

Despite the issue being fixed, there is a bit of additional maintenance that will take place to prevent it from occurring in the future. There could be a couple of minutes of downtime today, March 13 at around 10pm EST, but I'm hoping that can be avoided. I will update in the comments on this rant.

Lastly, and unrelated to this issue, an academic research team has been working on a project involving devRant/types of content posted, and would appreciate feedback and help with a short survey they put together for anyone who is interested: https://devrant.com/rants/3923796/...

Thank you again for the patience and feel free to let me know if you have any questions.

p.s. attached is a relevant meme, according to some people, who thought/hoped this was a feature :)