Quickly coming to the terms with the fact that software development inside companies is just the perpetual motion of putting out fires as quickly as possible just so customers can still be ignorant cunts.

I fucking hate giving estimates.

My kingdom for Postgres queries that run under 40 minutes...

Current state of NPM packages...

Let's Encrypt and their free (wildcard) certificates. Simply great!

Not completely dev related, but world dumping facebook.

Some people have Ducks... I got those 🤷‍♂️

Fuck Ajit Pai

Showers

99% of my bugs are fixed whilst I'm in the shower

Honestly, I should just get a waterproof computer and write code in there

Normal ghosts: "Boo"
Developer ghosts: "Bool"

Who the fuck thought "hey! Safari on iOS would be a great idea!"? Decidedly that cuntfuck thought integrating the worst browser on shitty devices everyone faps to was *the* idea of the century.

No Mac? Go fuck yourself in the ass if you want to debug that shit with any device that has the fucking Apple logo. Prolapse™ by ProlApple, or Applapse rather.

My problem? I'm compiling typescript to straight fucking ES5 JS, why the fuck isn't it fucking working on iOS 10.2/3?! Is it still running ES1 Pre-Alpha RC-0.2.7 ?!! Even internet explorer is working...

Gah.

(Not meant to offend anyone, just expressing some frustration)

A lot of the people are complaining about working in inhumane conditions. I want to debunk some bullshit that I think is causing this.

Devs are hard to find. That makes you valuable. A good dev that actually works for 30-40 hours per week is extremely hard to find.
The relationship with your employer / client should be simple: you work, they pay. What you do NOT:
1. Do not take responsibility for other people's decisions
2. Do not internalize other people's problems (you've got your own, better stick to them)
3. Do not let ANYONE guilt trip you into anything that you're not indeed guilty of.
4. Do NOT work for an effective rate that's significantly lower than you know you can get elsewhere.

There are indeed some utterly evil assholes out there that will try to manipulate you, into thinking that you're "part of the project", or that "you're all a team". Yeah, you are, but when it comes to making money, you'll only get the salary, regardless of how successful your work will be. THEY have a motivation to stay up late, to work extra hours, etc. You DO NOT. If you do that, and don't get paid extra, you're working for free, which means that you're not a professional.

Are you a professional? Then have respect for yourself, and bill for every fucking second of your time. Don't let the assholes think they own you.

As a professional, you MUST do EXACTLY what you're paid to do. No more, no less. Well, if you're feeling good about it, then you can do slightly more. And anyone that's demanding more, basically has no respect for you, and doesn't consider you a professional. That is the plain truth. See it as it is, and handle those scumbags accordingly.

Is there anything more frustrating than working on projects that don't challenge you?

God damn it, I'm a fucking computer guy. Not your fucking photographer. If you want pictures for YOUR website YOU fucking take them, NOT ME! Go step of a fucking lego.

Xcode.
You know why.

Me: (putting headphones on)

Boss: You are an engineer. You need to focus. You cannot multitask. Nobody can. You need to concentrate on the work and deliver. If you ...blah.blah.blah.

Me: 😃 hmm yes you are right (dying on the inside)

Boss: if you are listening songs, your attention is towards that, you learn nothing of what you are working on.

Me: 😃 True Indeed.

Inner me 👿: Motherfucker. I use headphones so I don't have to listen to you giggling about with your mates in a bragging battle, in a language I do not understand, which is noise to me.
And technically, I do not listen to songs, I listen to music, while doing repeated tasks, so that I can overcome the boredom and do it quick in a rhythm.
But you wouldn't understand now, would you, YOU OLD FART, you fuckin Remnant of the Ancient times.

AUTOEXEC.BAT

I have just acquired a Unicorn!!! But it wasn't cheap...

How to plug a USB in a USB port:

1. Try to insert it
2. If it doesn't go, rotate it 180 degrees
3. Of it doesn't go, rotate it back
4. There you go

When you have so too many unfinished projects

Why are there so many rude cunts on stack overflow?

LalaLan

There are many ways of development...
Test Driven Development.
Behaviour Driven Development.
Acceptance-Test Driven Development.
YOLO Driven Development.

But nothing in this world is so frustrating as...
Buzzword Driven Development.

As soon as your managers spot a new technology, it needs to be integrated...
For fucks sake... New is not always better.

We have this Lukas Podolski paper display someone swiped at a soccer club store. So we hide the fucker in offices, bathroom stalls or behind doors and people get scared shitless.

We use Visual Basic

I have a question of morality .. we are devs so it may start becoming more important then ever..

If to save the world... Would you do something that would first effect millions or 10 of millions of lives negatively, possibly quite seriously so, as in death or starvation etc

Similar to the do you pull the switch and kill one man or do you let the train kill 5 but on a world scale I suppose.

Never been to one.

I'm firmly opposed to the idea of sacrificing sleep and free time just to show everyone how awesome and creative I am.

Can we, please, put some substance into our rants? Over the course of the last weeks the amount of rants of the type "%NAME% %SWEARWORDS%" has increased tremendously. You want tell everyone that (for example) Windows can go fuck itself? Great. But why? What is the story behind you're enragement?

Please make this place more fun to browse by sharing stories. Not just a random amount of names and swearwords.

Interviewer: "Show me a cool side-project you have been working on!"

Me: "No! I do not have a cool side-project to show you! I work to pay the bills, and do other things in my spare time! Like go fishing, or play video games. Why the fuck are you assuming that I spend my weekends coding for fun!? Do you call random people asking them questions every Saturday and Sunday just for the LOLs of it?"

This is awesome