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@retoor imagine having an active, sometimes manic person that knows how to make money and is ready to throw their life away just to make your death as painful as possible
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Sorry to hear that.
She took you responsible to take care of her as you are son of your father who didn't took care of her. She just switched responsibilities from him to you as you are his child.
Later when she found someone to take care of her, she felt that you own her all that she gave you so far.
This is so fucked up!
Narcissistic individuals tend to also have someone to take care of them, because "they deserve it" and they also see children as parts of themselves in a sense that if children are successful - it is solely through their effort, like: children did nothing, it's all because of me!
Almost everything can be cured, even schizophrenia and some other mental illnesses, but narcissism is the only thing that can't be cured in any way whatever you try. Your best bet is to remove those people from your life entirely! -
@retoor never had a kill list. Not even bullies.
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P.S.
How about writing a novel based on your life? It's a great way of processing your traumas, as well as giving strength to others with similar experiences. Then, when your book becomes an international bestseller, you can tell your mother: "You were right all along. My success is all thanks to you, bitch!" -
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@kiki
I'd love to read it. Tell me when it's out. I'm a novelist myself in my sparetime. I've published one novel based on true events. It's not an autobiography though; I'm afraid mine would be titled: "Reading to Help You Fall Asleep". -
@retoor also, to forgive her means to betray that child she wronged and devalue what that child went through
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@retoor are you sure you're not confusing the peaceful with those who gave up completely while not having felt closure?
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@retoor I don't think helplessness is peace
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@kiki The old people who have given up are the ones that go to an old age home, rapidly deteriorate and die within 6 months.
But I think the old people @retoor means are the ones that realised that the best way to spite your enemies is to forget them (granted that's probably easier when you outlived most of them) and instead using that energy on the things that make you directly happy, the people near you the hobbies you enjoy. -
@BordedDev I do all that, but that doesn't mean I suddenly have to forgive and forget for no reason whatsoever. Sometimes, forgetting is betraying.
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I don't think she knew cuz people are not that advanced and intelligent
probably she wanted money so forced you into school so she could leech off you, which was my mom's idea about me as well. it's congruent with the culture
if a kid is misbehaving sending them to military is common to many parents. it works a lot also. so that's not odd. I don't think they know their kid gets "broken". only the end result that they go from misbehaving to behaving
people don't really think about the deeper details on any of these things. they're just trying to control the outcomes
... my mom disliked my dad and they had divorced and looking back on it now I think a bunch of things she did to me were because she was mad at my dad and especially as I got older I looked and acted more like him so it came out more from her. like I had accidentally made her laugh once. she got mad. my dad was charming. I've never seen my mom laugh any other time. it reminded her of my dad. other stuff -
You know, my father said this to be the other day, and it kind of impacted me more than I thought it would.
We were discussing ambition and achievements, and I said I was thankful for all the opportunities they gave me.
He said. "There's nothing to be thankful for. It was our obligation to you."
See, my dad and I haven't always been on the best of terms (also owing to me being autistic and also succeeding in what he wanted to be and couldn't).
But everyone, him and me, can grow, not physically, emotionally, and come to terms with everything.
Definitely never forget. That dooms you into repeating history. But forgiveness is a really powerful thing. -
@CoreFusionX forgiveness doesn't make sense
don't think you're meant to do it just for the sake of doing it cuz people tell you to do it. abusers always want forgiveness so they can abuse you more. they get validation on their moral superiority and access to you again. what a jackpot!
it serves a purpose that you're holding on to it -
@jestdotty forgiveness does have sense. Do you want to be bitter whole life because you have samskara from that shitty situation/s or do you want to ground that energetic charge to process the trauma, to finally let go and feel good about yourself instead.
Forgiveness is also about you and your healing, not about the person you forgave.
If they try to abuse you again, be calm and realise that is their problem, don't give in to the provocation and finally cut that piece of shit out of your life, you don't need people like that after all.
Also what is important to note is that raising the frequency of your vibration automatically cuts low vibration people from your life, you are not interested to them anymore. -
@devJs yeah whatever grounding the energetic charge means. I don't think I want to "eat" their energy, if that makes sense. feels gross to me. their problems
it's not that I feel bad. I just use it as a weapon. I saw a baddie, I can now do the same baddie (but also better)
I think most people can make shields but I can't. I'm always absorbing whatever is around me
I know it's their problem but I still feel it. I'm never confused about that. thing is you're sitting there taking it. I rather not
and ofc I'm interested in low vibrational people. I'm not just ignorant for the sake of my own comfort. that would feel terrible to me. I wouldn't be able to respect myself if I just decided to be ignorant. now that would haunt me, and I'd have nobody to blame but myself on top of it! -
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@jestdotty energetic charge means energetic charge literally.
When you do not process trauma it crystalizes somewhere in your body and produce what is called samskara (too much of this shit blocks energy flow in body's meridians and causes different illnesses). It isbsically crystalized energetic/electric charge.
People are electric being as well -> we use it for signalling inside our body within the nerve system. Strong emotions(like those emotions we feel when having traumatic experience) produce positive electric charge.
Humans should be negative as we are negatively charged by default and those charges makes us positive so you have to touch grass or stand with bare feet on the soil to literally discharge the trauma on energy level.
Then it is much easier to process it on the mental level if your energy centers (dan tien) are developed.
Everything is documented, measured and researched. Earthing is a powerful thing, more people should practice it more often. -
@devJs been doing reiki healing
oddly helpful
however yeah not everything gets taken out
I don't have enough awareness to know what stuff is, I just have a vague sense
... think I used to be a black lightening controlling wyvern which lived in a crystal cave somewhere in the astral... and a wizard bound me for 300 years because I was too ragey. oh goddamnit lmao. I have issues telling what are memories or actual events sometimes. so annoying. thought the binding and wizards were now but turns out it was just a memory
but the wyvern helps... if I turn into it nothing can touch me
but I think this life I'm meant to be human. what an interesting revelation!
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yeah I've been doing a lot of nervous system exercising to release blocked energy and stuff. also did EDMR on myself after/during my etheric trip because that shit was so fucking traumatic holy fuck. thankfully it worked (mostly, there's just some small remnants now -- wyvern protects tho. I think I entered a war...) -
@devJs I did earthing a few times during etheric and it did help. up until I cursed my earthing area with astral parasite babies lmao
I did fix the issue later when I realized what it was...
but haven't been back since over there
and I met something bad at the nearby park that was probably part of some cosmic war or something. something passed through and cleaned out all the crazy people's curses at the nearby church
I'm hearing people have astral weapons. could've been useful. one night I had suddenly become an angel with armor, and it was realer than real. the energy on me wasn't mine in retrospect. so somebody gave me that suit. but I didn't have a weapon and didn't understand what was going on. sigh
but yeah if I just shapeshift into the wyvern everything fucks off, so. but such a wimp thing to be doing!
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you think I could use earthing energy on the samskara? it just makes me feel cool and relaxed. reiki might be better. it's crusted in there and dunno if I want it gone
I've finally put two and two together about my mother and why she acted the way she did with me my whole life.
Since four years old, she told me again and again that I will be a programmer and "earn as much as Bill Gates". Then, in fifth grade, without asking me, she made me take regular programming classes I was really bad at. Then, again without asking me, she sent me to an experimental, highly intensive CS learning program in my uni that accepted kids two years before they finish the high school to throw a metric ton of math, C and hardware design at them. After a year there, I completely lost the ability to enjoy videogames (at 15 years old). By the end of the program (four years), I started experiencing bipolar symptoms.
Then, at the age of 19, she insisted that I take the first draft order and join the army. The military service in russia is mandatory, and it's notorious for breaking people no worse than russian prison does. Knowing that I'm weird and autistic (I was stacking things as a kid), and knowing that the army _loves_ breaking weird people to keep them in line, she just wanted to break me. For context, draft orders are sent out en masse, and everybody dodges them with no repercussions. When they're 28, they just pay a small "fee" (a bribe) to get the military id. You can't be conscripted after you're 28.
I don't know my father. I have a stepdad though. My mother and my stepdad had a kid, nine years younger than me, and of course he was loved by my stepdad way more than I was.
I can recount a lot of instances where she was cruel to me, but oh how subtle and passive-aggressive she made it to be. Also, when I was bullied at school, she insisted on not changing schools, but rather for me to man up.
Her plan was to make a highly paid but mentally broken drone that would be a strong, steady stream of money while she enjoys a "proper" family with her husband and a "proper" child.
It's so unfortunate that the bastard kid turned out to be bipolar, and that bipolar disorder resets one's entire worldview from time to time, nullifying two decades of conditioning, isn't it?
Dear woman I crawled out of, I'm either wrong or right. If I'm wrong, and you did all this (and waaay more of cruel and fucked up shit) to me without any strategy in mind, because you wanted to, then congrats, you're a psychopath. If I'm right, and it was all a strategy, then you knew what you did was wrong, and every single time you did it took a bit of your soul away from you, because that's what evil does. Given that your scheme failed, was it worth it in the end?
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