Boss: We need to hire more people, lower your technical requirements.
Me: Why not just hire interns. They're cheaper, we can mold them into the role faster, and most interns get hired after school and stay for years.
Boss: ... we can do that?

The boss knows I started off as an intern at the company. 🙄

During a random meeting for a project:

PM: We'll need you to learn Go for this project. It says you know python in your job skills, so it should be easy.
Me: Uh, hiiii. I'm in security, not development. Can't help you, I really shouldn't even be here.
PM: I think Go has security built-in, does that help?
Me: ... I don't know, you need a developer.
PM: Do you know any Go people?
Me: I think that's something you should know.
- Silence enters the room -
PM: Yes perhaps, but you don't know anyone?

Fucking wat?

Getting burn out right now. Filling in for departments with overpaid inadequate talent and poor management, it's driving me up the wall.

"So what we're going to do is sign you up for this basic training we think you need despite your years of proven experience and certifications and a four year degree directly related to the type of training don't count"

I've always wanted to build an underground bunker for storms, to hide from my unstable ex girlfriend, and lulz, so I am. The hardest part isn't the digging or the structure, it's finding a way to ensure I'll still have internet.

Confession: I have an original Zune mp3 player, and use it. It has outlasted 2 smart phones I used as music players.

During a penetration test, I was dropped off in a Navy SEAL Ranger Black Hawk helicopter on the top of a 300 story building. I repelled to the 150th floor with fishing line, carved out a window, and installed Kali on the office door knob. I then typed out l337 HTML code in notepad and gained access to the mainframe. Then, some guy named John McClane wouldn't stop asking me for advice as I roped down the elevator shaft cable. I then walked outside, got my shoe shined, and the CEOs daughter came up to me saying she wants to take me to dinner because I'm the most l337 of the l337.

When your routine security testing causes your work laptop to be seized and held for evidence indefinitely because security operations think it's a rogue laptop.

Not a good year for Intel, is it? First the two Spectre variants and Meltdown, now the AMT vulnerability.

/Hugs his AMD systems while unplugging the Intel ones.

I made a web app team mad because I'm forcing them to implement HTTPS on their huge website made of sticks and stones.

NO REGRETSSS

People going crazy over the new Intel CPU exploit. I'm just sipping coffee looking at my AMD CPU that's never done me wrong 🙌

Best: Recalling code I wrote in 2017.
Worst: Being asked if I remember code I wrote in 2016.

This lady was screen sharing during a meeting. At the GUI login for her Linux box, she accidentally typed in her password for the username. In front of 50 people, she showed everyone her password was "Tittays69" 😂

"Remember that script you made a few years ago? How did you make it work with product x?"

Dude, I can barely remember how I brewed coffee this morning.

Idiot group: "We have no servers like that."
My group: Turns off mystery server no one can identify.
Idiot group: "HEY THAT WAS OUR SERVER YOU FUCKS HOW DARE YOU."

My boss makes me do the work for a different team that keeps claiming they're learning programming but keep taking basic ass tutorials all fucking day.

I was doing a physical security engagement on a clients home. The door had a new smart lock, I called his landline to inform him it was us at the front door. I got the answering machine, and figured it'd be funny to say "Alexa, unlock the front door." To our surprise, the front door unlocked.

I ended a 15 year friendship after realizing I've been used as an ego-boosting distraction, rather than a friend. I was sad at first, but then this program I wrote ran perfectly on the first try. 🕺

"Man, Python is easy, I just import everything. Like, import * from *."

> Old job does away with working from home
> Half the department of ~100 quits within 3 weeks

It's almost as if IT people want to work from home 🤔🤔🤔

That feeling when projects start moving forward after mindlessly arguing about them the past 30 days.

A meeting to discuss synergy and other business fluff lingo.

This team wants to reinvent the wheel, when we already have the wheel. When asked why they want to waste their time, they replied saying because they just want to.

I have to help these idiots.

> Get told my teams​ products don't work
> I say file a ticket so we know and can assist
> No tickets filed after 4 weeks,
> Team still complains my teams products don't work

Who else has mindless complainers?

Client: It works, it looks great! Thanks for everything!
Me: What? That isn't the new application, that's your old one. Your new one goes live tonight.

(Call from a distant family member I know by name only)
Him: Hey, blah it's been awhile blah hey so I have this problem with my printer and...
Him: What do you mean you don't know about printers, can I bring it to your hou...<*click*>

Kid: How do you know what to use in a script?
Me: I've either used it before or look at documentation.
Kid: You're silly, I bet I know who knows everything and can tell you what the answers are!
Me: Oh? Who's that, the code creator?
Kid: Mistah Google behind my browser! Just ask him and he tells you everything he knows!

The little shit will be going places...

This is my first time experiencing agile development with its daily scrum meets, and I hate it already.

Stopping a heavily used script in production, because management wanted a print statement to include a period at the end.

I discovered a worker was storing files on a IoT refrigerator. He had an external hard drive duct taped to the back of it.