FUCK THESE FUCKING ARTICLES THAT MAKE YOU CLICK THROUGH 87290 COCK SUCKING PAGES TO READ THE SHIT. ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS ONLY LIKE TWO PARAGRAPHS WORTH OF STUFF!!

AND FUCK YOU EVEN MORE FOR ALLOWING THESE DISGUSTINGLY LARGE ADS TO TAKE UP NEARLY THE ENTIRE DAMN SCREEN SO ITS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO CLICK ONE.

I just wanted to read some shit I didnt know about the Trojan War but now ill neVER FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE IM NOT GONNA CLICK A THOUSAND TIMES THROUGH A MINE FIELD TO FUCKING FIND OUT.

I don't know why everyone seems to think Chrome uses too much memory... My work machine has 32 GB of RAM and it runs fine with Chrome only consuming half of that. I'm thinking of upgrading to 128 GB and then I'll be able to run Chrome AND Atom at the same time!

Boss hands over to me an old security audit report and tells me "Go through this and check if all the problems mentioned have been resolved". Quick glance through the report shows all expected issues - SQLi, plaintext transmission and storage etc. I tell him that I need access to the application both from admin and a user with restricted privileges.
He hands me the admin credentials and tells me, "After you login in, just go the "Users" tab. You'll find the profiles of all the users there. You can get the emails and passwords of any user you want from there."
I had to hold back a chuckle. There's nothing to verify. If they haven't resolved storing plain text passwords in the database (AND displaying it IN PLAIN TEXT in the website itself (which to my surprise wasn't mentioned in the audit)), they probably haven't even looked at the report.

Interview

HR: So .. tell us .. where do you see our AI acting in 5 years?

ME: Doing your job minus the stupid questions.

*silence*

Boss breaks out in laughter.
"Oh boy you're hired"

Hollywood be like

"Oh no they shot a hole in my CPU, let me just rewrite the code so that it works again. I'll be 5 minutes."

What. The. Fuck. Did. Just. Happen.

A random girl followed me on social media. She looked nice and intelligent so I followed her back.

Started to chat about some random stuff. She told me she works at the HR department of an international company and asked me what's my job. Told her I'm a software developer.

Right after that she sent me a selfie. Obviously I said she looks nice, she thanked it and asked some more about my job. After a short discussion I received another selfie but somewhere in between she lost the outer layer of her clothing.

She still looks nice but now I'm sitting here utterly confused and cant tell whether it was my sarcastic humour and moderately handsome facial features which charmed her or she just needs to recruit someone for a new project and willing to do everything to reach the quota.

for (email in inbox) {
if ( email.contains("policy") ||
email.contains("privacy") ||
email.contains("GDPR")) {
email.delete();
}
}

"Don't give your 100%. Never. Once you gave, managers will start expecting more than that." - My mentor.

Fuck savvy

Teacher : What's 1+6 ?
Some kid : it's 7

Fan boy: Shut the fuck up kid.It's still 6.. It's Oneplus 6.

Totally agree...

Someone had to say it

Yep, when a guy wants a little downtime.

I mean... this is true in a way.. right?
Haha
My rant is that i apparantly have no life!

The guy who did android dev before me in the company i work for, didn't get paid for 2 months, so he moved all the project files he worked on to an empty partition and locked the drive with Windows' BitLocker. He didn't give the password until he was fully paid. I kinda respect that guy.

Meeting with asshole partner company CEO at restaurant.

Me: "I'm a bit worried about the bugs in your API. There are some ways to retrieve privacy sensitive info from public endpoints"

CEO: "Well, we're a rapidly growing startup!"

Me: "Uh... so?"

CEO: "So... Move Fast and Break Things! Priority is to improve our API further, and we'll fix bugs as they show up"

Me: "Maybe you should stop trying to emulate Zuckerberg in your management style. You know that even Facebook themselves admitted that their slogan was a retarded mistake"

Waiter shows up at table. CEO orders some overly expensive fish salad.

CEO: "Well, they have done something right... they're worth billions"

Waiter asks me: "And you sir, have you made your choice?"

Me: "Do you serve popcorn?"

CEO: "Popcorn for lunch?"

Me: "No, for your congressional hearing"

Never leave your login on a postit

I guess she was fluent in C#

BAM! It's official. The Dutch people have voted against the new surveillance law!

It's about 49 percent against vs 46 percent in favor and the other part voted blank.

I'm happy as fuck!

Dear junior programmers:
You will never get hired from what you learned at University

You have to study on your own, update your knowledge, practice at home and fail

The most important is to know which field to focus on

"You're gonna lose. BUG TIME"

Best Valentine’s Day present ever! She knows me so well. This will be VERY useful in work.

Thanks @Number0, love you

CS Professor: “What M word is the black hole to all productivity?”

Student: “Management”

CS Professor: “Was going to say meetings but that’s better”

- No I wont give you a ballpark estimate.
- No I wont grab a cup of coffee to discuss your idea
- No I wont check out your existing app/website

I'm a professional and my time is actually what I'm selling. If you want me to spend my time on you then you better spend yours to persuade me.

Send me a brief, your research on competitors, your roadmap, a deck, whatever. I'll probably won't read any of it. But at least I'll now that you you mean business and you value and respect my time.

Told my grandma that I‘m working as a Software Developer. Today a neighbor of her came to me and asked me if it is still possible to make money with repairing radios in 2018?

So it turned out that they we‘re talking about the jobs of their grandkids.

Your‘re great grandma ❤️😅

F🤬k!! why doesn’t this work on the testing server!l! I swear it worked local.

Meanwhile live:

Why do some female programmers place emphasis on their gender?

It's always: female programmer... Female web developer... Female android dev... Female Sysadmin... Etc

I mean, you don't see males saying "I'm a male programmer."

Female programmers aren't rare anymore. More and more of them are starting to program, so what's the point of emphasizing your gender?

For some reason, females think it's "special" to be a female programmer.

How does your gender relate to your skill?

Got call from extremely angry customer, our product is shit and doesn't work. At all. Important customer so I went to visit.

He had the perfect setup, our product to the left, our competitor's to the right.

He connected the Ethernet cable to their product, it worked. He plugged it out and connected to ours... Nothing. Shit.

I started to debug on the premises, took logs, everything. It seemed like our product didn't receive any data at all. What the fuck? Tried everything, debugged low level, still nothing. Sweating as hell.

After two hours I got a strange feeling. So I swapped place, our product to the right, competitor's to the left. Now OUR product worked, competitor's zilch.

THE FUCKING ETHERNET CABLE HAD A GLITCH. IF YOU BENT IT TO THE RIGHT IT WORKED, IF YOU BENT IT TO THE LEFT IT WAS BROKEN.

I had never seen a customer be this embarrassed in my life. He apologized to me, my boss, his boss, the Queen, everyone.

We got the contract.

The transition from developer to manager.

Friend: hey i heard you are a programmer.
Me: yeah
F: so you are a hacker?
M: No. Well yes but the correlation is bavkwards.
F: oh ok.

...

F: so can you hack facebook?