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A friend asks me for help with one of her subjects in college (She is taking a degree on Communication sciences):
Her: "Hey! Can you help me with Java next semester? I am going to have a subject about that..."
Me: "Java in your degree? Strange... You sure it's Java?"
Her: "Yes, I'm sure! I've talked to some people of my degree and they said it is Java. Can you help me?"
Me: "Okay! Do you have any documentation so that I can check what you are going to learn about Java?"
*She sends a PDF*
I open the PDF and the first page says: "Introduction to JavaScript".5 -
The six stages of debugging:
* That can’t happen.
* That doesn’t happen on my machine.
* That shouldn’t happen.
* Why does that happen?
* Oh, I see.
* How did that ever work? -
The moment when a client dumps you for a "cheaper solution" and after a year his site get hacked and calls you to rescue him. Priceless.5
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WHY THE FUCKIDY FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A DEVELOPER THEN YOU CAN DO EVERY FUCKING THING IN A SNAP?!
THIS ENTIRE SUMMER I WORKED FOR THIS MIDGET OF A FUCK AND THE IDEA WAS TO MAINLY DEVELOP AN IOS APP FOR THEIR PRODUCT. THAT ONE APP TRANSLATED TO THREE SEPARATE APPS AND KEEP IN MIND THAT I AM THE ONLY DEVELOPER THEY HAVE SO I HAVE TO DEVELOP IT, TEST IT AND DOCUMENT IT!! AND WHAT'S EVEN WORSE IS HE KEEPS GIVING ME DESIGNS AT THE LAST MINUTE SO I ALWAYS END UP HAVING TO CREATE NEW PROJECTS ALL THE TIME. WHEN A WEEK PASSES BY WITHOUT ANY UPDATE HE AND HIS FUCKED UP BRAIN CELLS GATHER A MEETING WITH HIS 'DONALD TRUMP HANDS-SIZED' BALLS TO ASK ME, 'WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG? THESE ARE JUST THREE BUTTONS ON THIS VIEW?' MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER!! GO GET YOUR MOM TO DO THIS WORK THEN IF IT'S JUST THREE BUTTONS. TO HIM EVERYTHING IN IOS WHICH INCORPORATES A TAP IS A FUCKING BUTTON! BUTTON THIS! BUTTON THAT! AND IT'S NOT LIKE HE HAS SIMPLE DESIGNS..NO.NO.NO.NO. THIS ASSHOLE-SHAPED-HEAD MUGGET DESIGNS SHIT WHICH REQUIRES ME TO HAVE TO DRAW A UIVIEW AS THE SHAPE OF A HUMAN BODY AND HEART. THEN ASIDE FROM THAT, JUST BECAUSE MY RESUME SAYS I MINORED IN MATH AND APPLIED MATH, HE SENDS ME A PAPER THAT EXPLAINS MATHEMATICAL CONCEPTS OF DATA ANALYSIS THEN WANTS TO MEET WITH ME TO DISCUSS THE SUGGESTED METHODS THEN IMPLEMENT THEM. AT THIS POINT I HAD ALREADY IMPLEMENTED AN ALGO FOR COUNTING THE NUMBER OF STEPS THAT WAS WAY WAY WAY MORE ACCURATE THAN THE SHIT THEY HAD IN THEIR CONTROLLER..
SO AS I AM ABOUT TO FINISH IMPLEMENTING JUST THE INITIAL 5 VIEWS OF THIS 'FINAL' APP, HE SERIOUSLY WALKS IN AND TELLS ME, SO I'M STARTING TO WORRY THAT WE'LL NOT MEET THE AUGUST DEADLINE SO I'M THINKING MAYBE YOU SHOULD START SWITCHING BETWEEN DEVELOPMENT. WORK ON IOS FOR 4 HOURS THEN SWITCH TO ANDROID FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE TIME. OH AND UHH IF YOU FEEL LIKE TAKING THE IMAC WITH YOU TO WORK FROM HOME, THAT'S FINE AS WELL AND I'LL BE AVAILABLE IN THE WEEKENDS AS WELL. IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT THAT I REALLY REALLY HOPED I WERE GAY! LIKE 'NO LUBE' STYLE KINDA GAY!! OH BTW AT SOME POINT HE HAD ME PROGRAM ONE OF THEIR CONTROLLERS, AND WAS ASKING IF I COULD START RESEARCHING MEANS OF WRITING AN SDK FOR THEM.
KEEP IN MIND THAT I'M AN INTERN WITH ONE YEAR IOS DEV EXPERIENCE.. THEN HE WANTS ME TO ENTIRELY START LEARNING ANDROID AND GIVE HIM TWO VERSIONS OF THIS THIRD APP IN TWO WEEKS.
HE CAN GO SUCK HIS OWN DICK WHILE GETTING FINGER FUCKED BY A FORK WITH A BLUE WHALE'S 6FT LONG DICK UP HIS MOUTH.
*** that felt good ****36 -
Developer (master's degree, -bleeping- smart guy, no kidding) was bragging on how he made a piece of code 3x faster (with the usual pinch that the original dev was incompetent) and spent nearly 6 weeks working on it (wrote his own parallel-foreach library because Microsoft's parallel library was "too slow").
I was the original dev and he didn't know I had my own performance counters where I broke down each stack (database access, network I/O, and the code logic).
Average time was around 5ms (yes milliseconds) and worst case was around 10 seconds. His '3x improvement' was based on the worst test case, which improved by about a second. Showed our boss my graph (laughed out loud, said 'WTF', other curse words) and the dev hasn't spoken to me in weeks (I say 'hi' in the hall and he keeps walking)
Take that master's degree and high IQ and shove it.17 -
Corporate joke
A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...
*She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :-*
_"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."_
*Man below replied :-*
_"You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude."_
*Lady :-* _"You must be an engineer."_
*Man :-* _"How do you know?"_
*Lady :-* _"Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost."_
*Engineer :-* _"You must be in Top Management."_
*Lady :-* _"Ya. How do you know?"_
*Engineer :-* _"You don't know where you are or where you're going, you have no technical knowledge._
_You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..! -
A list of hilarious comment in code:
http://stackoverflow.com/questions/...
One that I liked in particular:2 -
That moment when your task is to refactor a Web site and you discover that every element is positioned absolute and all responsiveness is done by callbacks attached to window resize event2
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And then I thought why not turn my resume into something weird and nerdy. And the result is this, a web app which looks like a terminal and connects to an actual Ubuntu terminal. It's not great, but it's something. 😃
https://resume-rahul-ramteke.herokuapp.com/...22 -
I was once using an app, made by my friend which could be used as a handy reference for programming topics. It crashed every time i clicked the last entry of the list. I told him that the app has a bug, probably some position mistake and he denied, saying that he doesn't need feedback from a guy who didn't code applications. I learned to code java and started android that night and knew I needed to give him a reply, a good one.3
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A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university.
After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman's breast.
Woman: Hey! That's private OK ?
The man hesitated for a second looking confused.
Man: But I thought we were in the same class.3 -
My time as a Dev have given me deep mistrust of the following words;
Only
Just
simple
Quick
Easy
Any requirements, specs or feature files presented with the above words should immediately be deleted and/or burned if in hard copy.3