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Not mine, found this on Reddit, still a good read
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I work in IT as a lead developer, as in I run the department. One of my team leads is female, let's call her Ripley. She is young, smart, and a great dev.
Today she met with a new customer to discuss a big project. Project management sent a male project manager (Hicks).
It started perfectly with Customer asking Ripley for coffee. He's informed about her status and mutters something like an apology. He is visibly unhappy.
He then proceeds to ask Hicks technical questions despite having been told that Ripley will answer all the technical stuff. Ripley tries to answer questions. Customer ignores Ripley and continues talking to Hicks.
Hicks tells him politely that Ripley is the one to talk to, since he is not a dev and unable to help him. Ripley tries again to explain stuff.
Customer gets angry and demands another developer, since Ripley is "obviously far too young for a project of this complexity". Ripley rolls her eyes and leaves. Not the first time this happens.
Hicks smoothes the waves and tells the customer that the senior lead developer will personally answer all his questions. Customer is satisfied.
I walk in and calmly introduce myself.
The customer - now far less satisfied - was forced to discuss all his questions with yours truly, the 47 year old female IT nerd. I was very professional, friendly, and businesslike, he was visibly uncomfortable and irritated by the situation.
It's petty and stupid, but man, it felt great watching his face fall when I entered. I've been in Ripley's shoes far too often and today I heard 23 old me cheering me on.
Ripley loved it as well. She made sure to smile extra brightly at customer when she walked past the meeting room on her way to the coffee machine.
======
https://reddit.com/r/...18 -
GF: What are you doing there?
Dev: I've been trying to reproduce a bug for two hours now...
GF: You need two bugs the opposite sex, otherwise they won't reproduce.
From a sad true story.8 -
Fuck those useless calls!
PM: customer X wants a call in an hour.
Me: they didn't send emails before. No questions, no prep, no call.
PM: yeah but they want to talk.
Me: these unprepared calls are pointless. I'll be sitting there, noting down the questions and telling them I'll have to look up the details.
PM: shall I tell them that you don't want to talk to them?
Me: I don't care, it's your call, do whatever you want.
PM: that's not professional.
Me: oh you're calling it professional to sit there with a pencil, writing down crap or what?
PM: what's the problem?!
Me: I've had this shit for the last two fucking calls, and they were so unprepared that they wasted half of the call just reading up, and I'm fed up with this shit!
PM: but they are the customers, and they aren't that happy.
Me: yeah, and do you know why? Because our schedule is completely fucked up and our management has been ignoring ANY warning from engineering for WEEKS! That's why they are unhappy and not because I'm not holding their fucking hands!
PM: hey, but you can't tell me what I have to do!
Me: and you can't tell me either! [he's my PM, but technically not my superior.]
PM: so no call or what?
Me: you're free to have your call. I'll sort out the shit that they're concerned about, putting that down in a proper email, and then we have at least some basis for discussion!
PM: (left for his call)
Btw., my cursing was the same in the live conversation with him.9 -
*This morning*
HR Lady: we saw your profile and we think it fits what we're looking for, I just need to know what you use for front-end programming
Me: I use ReactJs, AngularJs and for backend NodeJs
HR Lady: Hmm, so you don't use Javascript
Me: ... (unhandled exception in my head)
Me: M'am everything I mentioned is using Javascript
HR Lady: oh! ok.9 -
Testivus On Test Coverage
Early one morning, a programmer asked the great master:
“I am ready to write some unit tests. What code coverage should I aim for?”
The great master replied:
“Don’t worry about coverage, just write some good tests.”
The programmer smiled, bowed, and left.
...
Later that day, a second programmer asked the same question.
The great master pointed at a pot of boiling water and said:
“How many grains of rice should I put in that pot?”
The programmer, looking puzzled, replied:
“How can I possibly tell you? It depends on how many people you need to feed, how hungry they are, what other food you are serving, how much rice you have available, and so on.”
“Exactly,” said the great master.
The second programmer smiled, bowed, and left.
...
Toward the end of the day, a third programmer came and asked the same question about code coverage.
“Eighty percent and no less!” Replied the master in a stern voice, pounding his fist on the table.
The third programmer smiled, bowed, and left.
...
After this last reply, a young apprentice approached the great master:
“Great master, today I overheard you answer the same question about code coverage with three different answers. Why?”
The great master stood up from his chair:
“Come get some fresh tea with me and let’s talk about it.”
After they filled their cups with smoking hot green tea, the great master began to answer:
“The first programmer is new and just getting started with testing. Right now he has a lot of code and no tests. He has a long way to go; focusing on code coverage at this time would be depressing and quite useless. He’s better off just getting used to writing and running some tests. He can worry about coverage later.”
“The second programmer, on the other hand, is quite experience both at programming and testing. When I replied by asking her how many grains of rice I should put in a pot, I helped her realize that the amount of testing necessary depends on a number of factors, and she knows those factors better than I do – it’s her code after all. There is no single, simple, answer, and she’s smart enough to handle the truth and work with that.”
“I see,” said the young apprentice, “but if there is no single simple answer, then why did you answer the third programmer ‘Eighty percent and no less’?”
The great master laughed so hard and loud that his belly, evidence that he drank more than just green tea, flopped up and down.
“The third programmer wants only simple answers – even when there are no simple answers … and then does not follow them anyway.”
The young apprentice and the grizzled great master finished drinking their tea in contemplative silence.
Found on stack overflow https://stackoverflow.com/questions...8 -
my_girlfriend: who do you like more in your life?
me: linux
my_girlfriend: What????
me: you asked who i LIKE not Who i LOVE?
my_girlfriend: ok, who do you LOVE?
me: python
i dont know why she left me, i think she was php fan18 -
Modern development methodologies:
SDD - sales driven development.
TDD - torture driven development.
BDD - bug driven development.
CPDD - copy&paste driven development.19 -
Pro tip: If you are a junior, or senior but new at the company, don't start your conversations with:
"We're doing X wrong. At my previous company we did / at school I learned /in this book I read / according to this talk I watched, the right way to do X is ..."
Instead try:
"I'm curious why were doing X this way. I'm used to doing it differently."
I love flat-hierarchy teams, and people who think about flaws in procedures and proactively try to improve the tools we use are awesome, but the next kid walking up to me yelling we use git flow "wrong" will be smacked in the face with a keyboard.
If you come to me with curiosity and an open mind, I'll explain, and even return the favor by behaving the same way when I'm baffled by your seemingly retarded implementations.
Maybe we can learn from each other, maybe discover that "how I learned it" is sometimes good, sometimes bad.
But let's start with some social skills, not kicking off into every debate with a stretched leg and a red face.23 -
Client: I know other developers who would do the same and much more for much less.
Me: I am glad you chose to work with me instead.
Client: I mean I like the site but I still feel that the development process has taken longer than it should have.
Me: Well, it is within the time frame I had said I would be able to have the first version of the site running. I have also implemented quite a number of new features that we had not earlier agreed on.
Client: I think I'll pay (quotes less than 20% of the total cost ).
Me: That is less than the amount that you were to pay as the first instalment ages ago!!
Client: I mean I like the site, but I think it still lacks the X factor. I want ...*goes on to mention other features*
Me: While I take pride in making my clients happy, I believe this process should be mutually beneficial. You are constantly making requests for new features but are making no attempts to meet your end of the agreement.
Client: FYI, there are people begging me for this job.
Me: *Takes down the site.* I wish you all the best, I hope the other developers are up to your standards.
Client: *Literally ignoring the fact that I just quit*. I want (makes more requests).
I am simply going to ignore this one!!!!14 -
True history... (I find in twitter)
⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ (\__/)
⠀ (•ㅅ•) my mentor defending
＿ノ ヽ ノ＼ ＿ my code to the team
/ `/ ⌒Ｙ⌒ Ｙ ヽ
( (三ヽ人 / |
| ﾉ⌒＼ ￣￣ヽ ノ
ヽ＿＿＿＞､＿＿_／
｜( 王 ﾉ〈 (\__/)
/ﾐ`ー―彡 \ (•ㅅ•) me2 -
Imagine what a coder Gordon Ramsay might be like:
Your alghoritm is so FUCKING slow, I'd rather to try to brute force a 20 characters long alphanumeric password!
This app is more insecure than an average teenager!
If your code was a spaghetti it would be a fucking health hazard!14 -
Client: I want to go to the moon!
Me: Sure thing! I will build you a rocket.
Client: But I want you to build me a car.
Me: A car can not take you to the moon.
Client: Build me a car.
Me: OK.11 -
Ran into a girl who I had a crush on in high school at a bar last week. Hanged out for a bit, but then I had to run catch the last train home.
Today I get a message from her that reads: "Hey, it was nice to meet you last week. Can I call you some time, there's something I want to tell you. 😉"
I think to myself -- sweet and say that I have no meetings today, call me whenever you can.
A couple of minutes later she calls me, and the first thing she says: "I have this app idea..."
fuck, shouldn't have hyped myself up.29 -
On Monday the boss says this needs to be done by Wednesday.
I get it done and mid Wednesday I tell my teammates, it's done, and I've done my 40 hours this week. See you next week. Bye!1 -
only elon musk is smart enough to realize there are smart people out there who can get shit done without a goddamn fcking degree
23 -
Summary of the summary: Boss is an asshole. Root gets angry; boss leaves instead of picking a fight for once. This makes Root sad (and really angry).
Summary: Root has another interaction with her boss. The boss is an asshole. Root is a bitch. Root would have been so so so much more of a bitch if the boss actually fucking responded. Root is sad this didn't happen. Root might have gotten fired. That would have made Root happy. :<
-------------
Le wild blackout appears!
-- Conference call (the short-short version) --
Boss: *freaks out* Fix it! Why aren't you fixing it? You have to fix it.
Me: I'm already fixing it. 😕
Boss: You have to fix it! This is important!
Me: Then let's get off this call so I can focus on fixing it!
Boss: Okay but fix it! *begrudgingly hangs up*
-- Slack --
Me: (posting a running log of what I'm doing) This is what i discovered. this is the cause. these are the possible fixes. I picked this one because it's quick and has few consequences, though it may break ____ so it'll need followup fixes. I'll do those tomorrow. Blackout resolved!
Boss: (apparently doesn't even noticed I fixed his shitty service)
-- Next day --
Boss: I want you to work on [stupid shit] instead.
Me: But what about the followup fixes?
Boss: Top priority! because customer service!
Me: ... fine.
-- Next week (verbatim because wtf) --
Boss: Did we test that [resolution] on ______? No one thought to test this. It didnt cross anyones mind at all? Either you guys can make good decisions and document concerns or I have to be part of every decision [...]. But this is basic. SHould have been a team heads up and said if we are switching this what can it break and can we test it. [sic]
Me: Did you want me to resolve the blackout quickly and allow people to actually use our service, or spend two days checking everything that might possibly have gone wrong? I weighed the possibilities and picked the solution with the quickest implementation with the fewest consequences. You're welcome.
Me: (Quotes boss's "SHould have been a team heads up" and links my "this is what could go wrong" heads-up in Slack)
Boss: (pretends not to even notice)
Boss: (talks about customer service related crap)
What a fucking loser.
I'm so angry he didn't respond and start in on me over it. I wanted to tear him to shreds in front of everyone.
Related:
He tried adding another huge project to my plate earlier today, and I started flipping out on him for all these shitty sales features he keeps dumping on me in place of real work that i still get blamed for not finishing. The contractor stepped in before it got too heated, though, which is probably best because my reaction was pretty unprovoked. The above rant, though? Asshole doesn't read, just blames and yells when he's angry.
I really hate him.20 -
At the beginning of an interview...
HR girl: You know, that position you applied is already taken but I found some similar in our company.
Me: Uhm, ok?
HRG: What about this one? It's some programming... *pointing at some IT position regarding db maintenance* Do you want to try that?
Me: Sure, why not.
I was applying to student position at embedded firmware development at the time. I did some school project with MySQL but it was few years back and I happily forgot most about it.
Anyway, story continues.
IT manager: Hi, I heard you want to join our lines.
Me: That is what I heard as well.
IT: Eh?
Me: I came for completely different position actually.
IT: Uhm, ok. We have standardised test, let's see what you can do.
It was some basic stuff for db guys but I was totally lost. I was done after 3 minutes returning nearly blank paper.
We shaked hands, both agreed this is not well fit for me and I went away.
After this botched attempt HR girl remembered that there is another team looking for embedded developer students. I was accepted.
Corporates are marvelous.3 -
D: “Did the attackers exfiltrate any data?”
M: “I can’t say for sure, but most likely based on—”
D: “—but did you find any undeniable evidence of it?”
M: “Keep in mind that the absence of evidence isn’t necessarily evidence of absence. There was very limited logging to begin with and the attacker erased artifacts and logs.”
D: “If there’s no evidence, then there was no exfiltration.”
M: “If a business doesn’t have cameras on its front door and then gets robbed, it can’t claim there was no robbery just because they didn’t video-record it.”
D: “That’s a poor analogy. Nothing’s missing here. I couldn’t care less if a robber made a *copy* of my money. That isn’t robbery.”
M: “... If the Titanic really hit an iceberg, then how come no pieces of an iceberg were ever found in the wreckage?”19 -
Currently acing an interview, had to do a typing test, got 67wpm and 98% accuracy.
"If you want faster I'd have to bring my own keyboard, this one's a little small"
"You can go faster?"40 -
GF: Did you watch a movie while you were sleeping?
ME: (Syntax Error): How could i watch a movie while sleeping?
GF: No, the name of the movie is "while you were sleeping"
ME: oh, you forgot quotes for string17
