Scrum meeting is 15 minutes long.

Not 50.

Increment operator (++)
Decrement operator (--)
Excrement operator (💩💩)

Recruiter: “What are your salary expectations?”

(The job listing indicates a salary range that STARTS at 2x my current total comp…)

Me, as nonchalant as possible: “The listed range is sufficient.”

Silence is underrated.

Someone canceled their subscription to me a couple months ago.

I decided to withdraw my application from Amazon cause it was so stressful. Got a call from my recruiter berating me telling me I fucked it up for everyone.

God willing, I get black listed on LinkedIn

Meaningful commit message !

Some dude in upper management: We hear you. We have too many meetings, it's not healthy. From now on we'll have meeting free Friday morning!!!

And then all meetings on Friday morning are re-scheduled on Friday afternoon, or Thursday afternoon.

Yeah this really works, genius!

Shopping for fridge with sister in law.

"Yeah that one is nice but it doesn't have an app"

"Why do you need an app for your fridge"

"I don't know, but this other fridge has an app, so I think if it doesn't have an app it's not that good"

"But it's very energy-efficient, silent and spacious. The one with the app is the same size, has a worse energy rating, is noisier and is more expensive as well"

"Yeah I know but if there's no extra features that's kind of boring"

"You are everything that's wrong with modern consumers"

Meeting in calander: 1hr
Actual time taken: 1.5hr

Manager: "we are slow in delivery.. "

I HATE this kind of popups

SQL killed me xD

Company Hiring: We want 10 years of swift experience.

Me: ...

Swift: Created in 2014

I broke the toilet seat on day 2 at the office and have been watching it get worse and worse until it silently got replaced two weeks later.

Oops.

I just reactivated this app after 3 years, I love it!

My parents (mom and grandma) helped me buy my first PC. I had some money saved from mowing lawns and they supplemented the rest. Mom, a library director, got a bunch of DOS and Assembler and BASIC books and encouraged me to teach myself.

That turned into computer camps and helping with tech at the library and school. That turned into a computer science and aerospace scholarship to college where I learned C and Unix.

That turned into a degree in business information systems and a career in web development.

19 more years to go and I can retire.

DELETE FROM `comments` WHERE `username`='assmaster'

Ban this guy's ass... @dfox

Spent 4 days fixing ‚bugs‘ in the PhD thesis of my wife. While LaTeX worked great this APA citation style should die ASAP.

Never thought one could explain this simple 🙆🙆🙆

So which one is it???

Now I am afraid to fly ... 😐

https://theregister.co.uk/2020/04/...

Had a dodgy stomach. Muted the mic & let out an almighty fart.

Only, as you'll have guessed (and I quickly guessed from the silence that followed), I'd missed the mute button.

My lift in nutshell

Life Modifiers!

I'm tired so I let my dog find the bug on my code.

If you are sending me data to use, DO NOT FUCKING SEND ME AN IMAGE FROM EXCEL.

This is why you DONT deploy in a Friday!

Now can we all agree to stop disagreeing!

Ps: I love CommitStrip sometimes.

Books i recommend to my Technical Leads

You cant see if you dont pay