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Thanks, guy.

In my growing list of things I hate about Android (and Google), I just accidentally created an account with Realtor.com because I was trying to dismiss the new 'sign in with Google Account' that now pops up in the non-browser browser automatically.

This wonderful new "feature" cannot be turned off because it's not a browser.. it's just the, fucking... search-results chrome webkit instance? I don't even..

Google is making SUCH. SHIT. THESE. DAYS.

"If we need to deprioritize something that's fine, as long as it all still gets done by the time we agreed on."

Gotta love product management types.

Meetings are by definition not productive. I don't mean that sarcastically or cynically; if I'm not at my computer actively coding, debugging, or researching then I am officially off task.

Product management and financial types can have all the meetings they want, and try to involve me as little as possible.

1) Having a complex and inaccessible skill trade entitles me to be a condescending elitist.

2) Because I usually choose to waive that privilege and be a nice team player instead I am almost universally appreciated.

3) I get free coffee every day.

3b) No one teases me about my fancy mechanical keyboard.

From my command center at home like all self-respecting super villians. The League of Evil wants me to join their open space! Isn't that ridiculous? How can we conquer the world while we have to listen to Becky's personal calls???

"I think I can automate this..."

Adobe is shit and they make shit. Why do they have such dominance???

Is there a way to comment out another team? Not their code, the actual team members. Is there a node module for that?

Logging literally everything from every service into one giant super log db for us to sift through.

It is expensive, it is stupid, and it is set to .info() level always forever no exceptions.

Found this gem yesterday...

function justNumber(BigDecimal n) {
  string negative_sign = "-";
  BigDecimal response = BigDecimal.valueOf(n.toString().replace(negative_sign, ""));
  return response;
}

We were running an obfuscator as part of our build pipeline, but also were not. I discovered we had disabled every rule, and after asking around it turns out that the obfuscator broke the app (because of reflection and things I won't go into).

So I turned it off.

An hour later the CTO came to me and said to put it back. "We have to obfuscate, put it back."

"But... it wasn't doing anything, other than slowing the build down."

"I don't care, we HAVE to run obfuscation. It's in our contract with the client."

...

I fucking hate estimating time.

I appreciate that agile is better than any planning type before it, but HOLY SHIT is estimating time a fool's game.

I've been at this over a decade now and I'm still like.. 50% accurate at best. The complicated shit is seldom obvious, and usually if I think something will be complicated it ends up being very simple once I dig in.

Babysitting CI pipeline that keeps dying for stupid reasons.

My current job is too easy.

I know that's a weird rant, but after years of crisis deadlines and constant struggling pressure it's really relaxing to be able to build at a sane and professional pace.

...but I'm afraid it's ruining me. I don't know if I could go back to literally any of the other types of companies I've worked for. I'm going soft

When I realized my job isn't to code, it is to hack for hacks.

As smart developers our job is to be accountable to non-technical product management types who care nothing for elegant system design or DRY code. They expect features get done fast and "technically complete." They use terms like "minimum viable product (MVP)" to imply we'll go back and improve things like refactoring and tech debt later.

They will not. Most likely they won't even be around. Producers and scrumlords have the highest turnover rate of any role on a team. By design they get bored or frustrated easily and are constantly looking for greener pastures. Many people in self-proclaimed "non-technical" roles like this never had the patience and attention span to learn a real vocation, and they've discovered a career path that doesn't require one.

These are our masters. As developers, we will answer to them forever and always.

Slack culture.

Yes, the chat application.

Fuck it, fuck mattermost, HipChat, Skype, and whatever other digital text medium for team communication.

These are great applications, but used for great evil. They feed cliques and passive aggressive "side" conversations. Every team I've been on has something like this, and it allows people to cultivate hate for one another even though they're sitting in the same room.

Texting allows you to complain about a coworker to your clique. Each clique can have it's own thread. This empowers people to silently rip into other team members. It prevents rational adult conversations and builds stupid little secret societies.

Google's Android keyboard suggestions are shit, and getting worse. our

I'm so sick of microservice architecture... in theory it was going to make scaling elastic and deployment easier. In reality it seems to slow productivity to a 🐌 pace.

Anyone have any brilliant suggestions on how to herd these cats in production?

A localized sense of cold productive isolation. No, you can't see it.

Viral marketing does NOT work.

Tell your friends.

Reason #387 I wish I worked from home:

Some dude at this office needs to be banned from toilets. I'm pretty sure he craps in his hand then tries to swat it into the bowl with a slotted spoon.

Getting comfortable in one place for too long and stagnating. It can be easy to automate your job until you can just milk it, but sit still too long and your skills will be irrelevant.

People talk about ageism in development... don't let your mind get old and you'll always have job security.

Ever heard of writer's block? Well I have developer's block. I have this sweet new workstation and no idea what to do with it.

Suggestions?

Trying to hire more good devs... it's surprisingly hard. Guy with supposed decade of JavaScript experience fails code test, "I don't really use map function so I don't know it."

R U kidding me

...and yet my "maybe we should consider remote devs" idea isn't getting any traction :/

Goddammit Google, SWIPE to automate an email response? I AM NOT A COG IN YOUR MACHINATIONS.

I am human! Flesh and blood! You reduce me to some variable in your algorithm and you ignore the very nuance that separates me from your cold unfeeling advertising factory.

Can we all please try to keep emotion out of coding? It never ever helps to get upset at a code review.

Please please please accept constructive criticism, and dish it back to me! You can hate my code just don't hate me. :/

Smash the looms!

Code Spirit Animal:

What is yours and why?

Producer: "We're in crunch mode."

Me: "I don't crunch. I glide."