My lead developer left on vacation for a week. Without notice to my boss and/or myself.

Well to be fair we did have the minimum which is a 2 day notice....

So what did we do? Well the boss and I acted like absolute adults and did what any other adult would do.

Me sticky noted the fuck out of his desk and screens.

4 screens full of sticky notes.

Phone is full of sticky notes too. And geez man....everything is sticky notes....so...many....sitcky...notes

Quickly coming to the terms with the fact that software development inside companies is just the perpetual motion of putting out fires as quickly as possible just so customers can still be ignorant cunts.

Before wk200 roles around I'd like to finish my little indie game. I'm using unity to create it and it's the first game I've ever made. It's been taking me a while but I'm hopeful.

Also happy wk100!

Client: Where are we with the project, it's been a week and I see nothing.

Me: You asked me to do something that was not in the agreed scope of work, which has kept me from starting on the project.

Client: Do I need to plan out everything in advance on paper for you to get it done in a timely manner?

Me: Is that a serious question? Yes, you should. That's the whole point of creating a scope of work. It's to allow me to schedule out the time necessary to build out a product in a "timely manner".

Client: I don't appreciate your attitude. This is not how you should be doing business if you like making money.

Me: I don't appreciate your condescending, unreasonable, dickhead mentality that makes you think it's remotely okay to act like you're better than me. Money doesn't grant you the right to be a dickwad, and just because I'm being paid doesn't mean I have to put up with any level of arrogance or disrespect.

I am in this business to make money, but not at the cost of my dignity and self-respect. You will be receiving a full refund later today, not because I have to provide a refund, but because I never want to communicate with you ever again moving forward. Take your unacceptable bullshit somewhere else.

I once had Javascript and jQuery on the same line in my resume (no longer the case).

Was told I clearly didn't know what I was talking about because "Javascript and jQuery are two completely different languages"

If you name your methods a, b, c, x, z, etc

Then I hate you.

If the idiot wants me to help then use proper method names!

Tired of the same old boring progress bars in my applications, so I made this little gem to keep users busy during slow operations. Bonus: no more complaints about things taking too long. (personal high score is 119)

I can cope with the workload and the silly client requests but I think my bullshit-threshold is very close to being breached.
One more thing and I'm not sure my brain will be able to act fast enough to stop my mouth shouting a horrible string of profanity.

Coming home after school , just to relax and play pinball on the PC ...windows 98 ..good times ..the quest of being Fleet admiral and avoiding the "Tilt"

You know you have been programming too much when you subconsciously hit Ctrl + Space while typing in Word and waiting for it to suggest relevant words 😌

Working for a large client converting paper forms to the web. Stated goals, simplify data entry for clients, improve data quality, reduce resourcing in backend human processing.

We met to review prototype and discuss workflow questions. Crazy deadlines, with the usual changing scope creep.

We start to point out the need for data validation, to shorten # of questions based on answers.

Business says no. All forms should be submittable regardless of what user enters, don’t put validations in because all that warning messaging confuses them and takes up more time.

Web form should behave like the paper copy....

Welcome to 1975!!! This is why 2018 won’t be like 2018...

New engineer: "How do you estimate how long a project will take?"

         Seasoned engineer: "I add up the time required for each task, then multiply the sum by pi."

         New engineer: "Why pi?"

         Seasoned engineer: "It ensures that all my budgets are irrational."

When you give your team and the client a month+ to test the app and get no feedback, then all of a sudden once it's live in the app store you get an email filled with bug reports....

Were you guys not testing it at all?!

😡🤦‍♂️

Coworker asking for my help on a crm framework I have never seen before. She was banging her head on the monitor by 1 hour. I read the stacktrace of the error (Java), and 30 seconds later I solved her problem.

Guess who is going laid tonight?

Not me, because she's engaged.

Joe showed me how the old system worked.

Me: *opens a terminal in front of parents and starts a build script from command line. Logs start rapidly flooding the screen*

Mom: *whispers to dad proudly* “look at how much she has worked. Look how fast the lines are running on the screen!!

I didn’t wanna burst their bubble by explain them that their child is NOT doing any rocket science, and is something even they can do(maybe better).
So I responded back with a fake serious tone
“Yeah it’s all code.”
If only they knew what I was actually doing...

Project Dump - Web App for people to host/adopt abandoned code projects. [more details]

Heyo, it's me. That fool who always says shit about unity.(:

So.. i just got my first real hands-on down, and phew, i gotta say.. I overestimated that heap of bullshit.

It's not like there are basic concepts of gamedev, framebased ticking and stuff like that since before the fucking gameboy - nope - let's do shit different. More ... Shit. First, we invent something new. Lets call it "prefab". None of these fuckers is going to know what that shit is.
What next.. oh the new-keyword. That's bullshit, all languages use it. Lets make Instanciate(). That's the stuff.

On we go, scenes. Most shit is statically created beforehand and used by scripts glued to stuff. Hell that so neat actually. Creating materials beforehand and then we can just load em!(:

NOPE. yo bro your Material where u used one of those loading-methods is null. We ain't telling you whats wrong, cus you know.. Load() returning null is like completely normal, why throwing an exception?
Oh and btw, it needs to be in ./Resources/, but it wont make any difference.

So now you want to google your problem, eh? Forget it. The Forums only answer on stuff like "how to add 2 numbers in unity" and the guide shows you how you did it, but they say it works that way.

Dude holy shit, of course this is a buhuuu i don't know how to do shit rant because i feel like good 8-10 years of dev experience collected while not doing homework for school were for fucking nothing.:b

And i have to use it.

Subjective Opinion: Unity was made by crackheads.

I don't remember/saw if somebody posted it in this much detail, but here's how one developer essentially showed how broken npm once again is, by just removing all his published packages, basically breaking thousands of other packages that depended on it, very interesting read, especially to understand how npm can't be relied on.

https://theregister.co.uk/2016/03/...

http://blog.npmjs.org/post/...

https://medium.com/@mproberts/...

https://arstechnica.com/information...

Front-end vs backend

Colleagues of mine, even though they show signs of versioning their api by having "v1" in the URL, keep committing breaking changes to that version. 😂

Client: "Happy New Year 2018! Wish you a very successful and productive happy new year :)"

Me: "Oh Thank you! I wish you...."

Client: "Any update on the feature I have requested?"

Me: "Ah yes. I would love you give you an update. By the way, Happy n...."

Client: "Do you think the it can be released before midnight?"

I stopped replying. Fuck everyone and everything.

Happy New Year to everyone here.

My first Udemy course!
Excited!

This was an answer to the StackOverflow question, "What is the best comment in source code you have ever encountered?"

Product owner:

Okay we have users and groups. Users have roles, roles have permissions, but groups can also have roles or permissions. Clients have users and these client-users can have special kinds of permissions. Now we need to add projects which have pages and special project users who manage the projects, but only the client-users can set rights for which project owners can manage pages. Pages are coupled to roles, and assigned to workflows, unless the client-user already had the permission to... wait where are you going?"

Me: "Fetching a new SSD. I ran out of hard disk space trying to model the database design. Could you please start from the top when I get back?"

Indentation check
Hardecoded values check
Kickass logic check

This is the best program that I have seen in my entire life.

Oh sh*t

Me to IT team: I need a more powerful machine to run my optimization code on.

IT: Okay take this - 64 gigs + i7HQ

Me after an hour:

If you refactor code and make it worse, did you refucktor it?