What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.

you are a dinosaur, harry

Every now and then you need a kick to your nutsack and vagsack to realize how replaceable you are and be humbled.

For that I am opening a gym where we train for this event by kicking your ball sack.

He did not 😢

my dreams' MIME is “text/pain”.

Yes former technical person who is now a business person. Please, please advise me on my job with your decaying outdated skills. Yes, google for me. I didn't know how to do that. Ah wonderful yes, you recall this being "easy" which is why you quit the field. What a nice time this is.

I will never not laugh at this

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

XCode: I can't find your class in scope
Me: But it's right there. You could find it yesterday
XCode: Yeah, no.
Me: Look, if I cmd-click on it, you open the class. So you know what it is. It is in scope. It has to be.
XCode: Nope.
Me: *cleans build folder* *build* How about now?
XCode: Nope.
Me: *deletes derived data* *build* Now?
XCode: Nope.
Me: *buries head in hands* *swears* *Copies the text in the class file, deletes the file, recreates it with a slightly different file name, copies the text back in* *build*
XCode: Build complete.

For fucks sakes.

My colleague printed a Helldivers helmet for Sir Jav'alot!

Worst fight I've had with a co-worker?

Had my share of 'disagreements', but one that seemed like it could have gone to blows was a developer, 'T', that tried to man-splain me how ADO.Net worked with SQLServer.

<T walks into our work area>
T: "Your solution is going to cause a lot of problems in SQLServer"
Me: "No, its not, your solution is worse. For performance, its better to use ADO.Net connection pooling."
T: "NO! Every single transaction is atomic! SQLServer will prioritize the operation thread, making the whole transaction faster than what you're trying to do."
<T goes on and on about threads, made up nonsense about priority queues, on and on>
Me: "No it won't, unless you change something in the connection string, ADO.Net will utilize connection pooling and use the same SPID, even if you explicitly call Close() on the connection. You are just wasting code thinking that works."

T walks over, stands over me (he's about 6.5", 300+ pounds), maybe 6 inches away

T: "I've been doing .net development for over 10 years. I know what I'm doing!"

I turn my chair to face him, look up, cross my arms.

Me: "I know I'm kinda new to this, but let me show you something ..."

<I threw together a C# console app, simple connect, get some data, close the connection>

Me: "I'll fire up SQLProfiler and we can see the actual connection SPID and when sql server closes the SPID....see....the connection to SQLServer is still has an active SPID after I called Close. When I exit the application, SQLServer will drop the SPD....tada...see?"
T: "Wha...what is that...SQLProfiler? Is that some kind of hacking tool? DBAs should know about that!"
Me: "It's part of the SQLServer client tools, its on everyone's machine, including yours."
T: "Doesn't prove a damn thing! I'm going to do my own experiment and prove my solution works."
Me: "Look forward to seeing what you come up with ... and you haven't been doing .net for 10 years. I was part of the team that reviewed your resume when you were hired. You're going to have to try that on someone else."

About 10 seconds later I hear him from across the room slam his keyboard on his desk.

100% sure he would have kicked my ass, but that day I let him know his bully tactics worked on some, but wouldn't work on me.

my macbook legit send me a useless notification about how to disable useless notifications. DONT YOU SAY

I was today years old when I figured this.

Whoever named the app and designed the logo is an absolute fucking genius.

Dev: Hey our current server is starting to chug a bit. Can I get approved for $1200 additional spend to double the speed?

Manager: *Sharp inhale*. We need this project to cost as little as possible, we really can’t justify spending any additional money for any reason right now.

*2 days later*

Manager: YOU ARE APPROVED FOR $100,000 TO IMMEDIATELY IMPLEMENT SOMETHING RELATED TO NFTs IN ANY OF OUR APPS. THE BUSINESS NEEDS TO EXPAND INTO THE METAVERSE ASAP IMMEDIATELY. I NEED AN ETA BY EOD AS TO WHEN THIS CAN BE ROLLED OUT.

Dev: …

dont you just hate it when u want to hire devs but they ask for too much money so you decide to hire interns with experience ?

i became what i always despised

Manager: I can’t believe you use Linux, that is such an outdated operating system. You need to get with the times and move to a more modern one like Windows or Mac. Literally NOBODY uses Linux anymore, do you still go to Blockbuster Video too? Ha!

Dev: …

I’m starting to realize that 80% of my job is resisting the urge to punch this guy in the face. Thanks goodness for remote work.

So HR invited us to a mandatory hour long talk on why rest and relaxation is important for work efficiency.

On a Saturday.

You can’t make this shit up.

Wholesome anti-rant.

There’s this Indian chick at work that I really, really do not get along with. Fortunately she’s on a different team so we have practically zero interactions. Her code was always decent, maybe upper junior level? but I went away fuming almost every time we talked.

However, I did a release security review today (I’m down from five/six per month to one) and read through quite a bit of her code. It was clean and easy to read with good separation, clear naming and intentions, nothing was confusing, etc. It was almost beautiful. Had I any emotions I might have shed a tear. I sent her a message and let her know :) I actually learned a better way of doing a couple of things from it.

She has grown so much as a dev.

Had to wake four people up at 2 am to fix a crashing service.

10/10 would deploy to production on Friday night again.

My employer keeps sending booze to our houses.

Officially meant for coronaproof zoom social meetings where they play stupid bingo games and quizzes on Friday afternoons.

Why they're sending 2 liter bottles of Rum, 3 bottles of rosé wine and 12 cans of craft beer for the 6th week in a row... I really don't know... I don't even attend the zoom meetings.

All I know is that during breakfast, rum is better mixed into coffee than through cornflakes.

Anyway... Why was this a rant again? Oh right. Can I sue my employer for baiting me into an addiction? 🤔

Last check on Deno is 3 months ago, now it's really gaining traction. Benchmarks are comparable with node.js now, curious if it will be going for rust-level performance.

“Dark” fucked me up.

😆 Why SQL, why are you screaming all the time?

I am a woman with multiple years of experience in the coding industry , while in most of my jobs I have been the only woman in the team and I do agree there is a need for more women in the coding industry , however I really do believe workshops like shecodes are an absolute scam , the inclusiveness to bridge the gender divide in tech needs to start from the employers , all resources to learn to code are completely gender neutral and unbiased. I also find it quite hypocritical that shecodes was founded by a man and is taught by a man . Can anyone please shine some different opinions about this or does anyone else believe a similar thing ?

Looking at code in our workplace.. I realized one thing. Like Devops, legacy code is actually a mindset.

So here goes my thought:

A piece of code is not legacy because it was written ten years ago.

A piece of code is legacy because it looks like a piece of legacy code.

With the legacy code mindset, you end up writing legacy code no matter where you are, when you wrote it.

I was looking at some part of our code which we written in just the last few months, and I can’t help but think that they were legacy, so it really doesn’t matter when it was written!

It is more about how you write your code that determines whether it is legacy :)

Hopefully this was not crazily confusing anyone. Have a good day guys & gals!

Cocain and Hookers

Probably old but I feel this pain deep in my heart 😢

Happy 1600000000

I SWEAR TO FUCKING ANDROMEDA, IF THIS APP CLOSES AGAIN AUTOMATICALLY, I am gonna open it again but man I am tired.

These green ticks always make me smile :)