After a company Christmas dinner, some employees went to a bar together. One colleague was so drunk that he felt from his chair. We lifted him back up again, but left him under the table after the third time.
However, he came back on his own, having his dong hanging out, and left a puddle below the table.
So we walked the colleague through the entire town to get him back to the hotel.
When we arrived there, the guy mopping the hotel lobby was able to tell us his room number within a second after noticing us.

If a CPU were an employee...

CPU: Hey boss, I'm seeing you are giving me a lot of mathematical tasks that would really profit from splitting into parallel calculations. GPU's are great for that, we should get one.

Boss: But you can still do them, right? If you can do it, I'm pretty sure you can do it at GPU speeds. We gotta save up so I can buy another car!

----------------------

Boss: Why is this taking so long?

CPU: I'm overloaded with work, so I'm overheating. Maybe you could buy a GPU to help me out, or at least a fan...

Boss: You're overheating? Your personal problems should not affect your professional life. Learn to get your shit together or we will hire someone who will

CPU: *melts*

Someone around here once said that they believe that Rust compiler errors are generated by first sending the compiler noise to some dude in India and then they parse the errors and send them back to the compiler.

This was not a nod against our friends from the land of India, but instead, I think, a praise.

Thus I would like to add a request to the rust devs to see if they could include more "trademark Indian" sassy remarks in the messages that the compiler generates. But I am afraid that they think I am being racist or something.

For reference: My Indian friends are all beyond sassy in the way they clap back at mfkers when having friendly arguments, I have been left with a "well, damn" in multiple occasions because I am incapable of reaching that level of sass myself.

Hey fellas, especially you security nerds.

I've had asymmetric encryption explained to me a number of times but I can't get a handle on it because no example actually talks in human terms. They always say "two enormous prime numbers", which I understand, but I can't conceptualize.

Can someone walk me through an entire process, showing your math & work, using some very small, single- or double-digit primes? Such as if I were to encrypt the text "hello world" using prime numbers like 3, 5, and 7

That must be depressing

This little dude was the only reason I wanted to learn Go.

Everytime I feel like I regret this decision I just look at his dumb little teeth and I open VSCode again...

Fuck this piece of shit!
Windows 11 and Teams.
Fucking garbage!

Sprint 0: This design is the appropriate amount of engineering abstraction.

Sprint 2: This is over-engineered, too much work

Sprint 5: This is under-engineered, too many edge cases

Sprint 10: This is over-engineered, component Foo could be replaced by a bash script

Sprint 42: Foo is now the cornerstone of half our business logic

When your IDE pulls a Stannis Baratheon on your ass when committing.

me: I will major in CS so I can work with computers, not people

narrator: But little did he know...

task failed successfully

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. ♨💨🎈

He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions,

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says:

"Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

I'm the only one annoyed by the emoji abusing programming influencers?

In particular I hate their presumption in proclaiming themselves experts in something just after following a swallow online course on it.

I'm going to quit my job without a backup plan*. Wish me luck.

* but with solid savings

Right.. time to update branding for a work project, which I don't normally touch.

So I open Fork, open the local copy, pull from remote, and...... Well, see the screen snip.

🤔😶😭

It must be so nice to work with people who ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK about their codebases. I, unfortunately, can only imagine that..

My keyboard? It's way more mechanical than yours.

Startup culture.
Most suicidal cults are healthier than any given startup.
The ones that aren't have already killed all of its members.

Story time!

A little over a year ago I was in the hiring process with a new company and countered their initial offer. I was told by the CTO that it was no problem and they would get back to me soon.

A couple days go by and I'm then informed that they're hiring a new IT director and would like me to interview with him as well. It felt kinda lame since I'd already been offered the job but I rolled with it.

When I showed up to the office for an interview I tried to call and let them know I was there and couldn't get a hold of anyone. 30 minutes later I get a call from the CTO saying they couldn't find the new IT director and when they got him to answer the phone he said he had left early and would call me to do a phone interview.

Obviously the whole experience so far has been pretty lame but I stuck with it because I knew the CTO personally. I did the phone interview and quickly realized this dude was a prick, and would be a terrible boss, but I spoke with the CTO again who told me to stick with it and eventually I did get the job.

Fast forward about a month and it's clear the new director is trash. He literally bragged about firing a dude over an accidental outage (wtf!?).

He had the technical experience you'd expect of a junior help desk and his management skills were pretty clearly sub-par.

He was also, for whatever reason, completely unable to communicate with the only woman on our team. When assigning work he would always feel the need to ask if she could 'handle it' rather than just assigning it to her like it's done for everyone else. He was pretty clearly sexist.

The whole team hates this dude by this point but he's somehow managed to woo the executives into thinking he shits gold.

I was helping him set up a Python venv on his machine when I noticed another VPN client installed which certainly piqued my interest. After a bit of digging it was clear he was using company time and company equipment to continue working for his previous employer.

We turned over logs and he was fired the next day. He tried to add me on LinkedIn afterwards and I have never declined something quicker.

Moral of the story is don't be a dickhead.

I fucking hate foglight!
Fucking piece of over bloated shit software that can't do anything right!
This pile of harkonnen vomit is such a source of stress and frustration.
Can you believe that a monitoring tool, that needs to monitor 550 agents (host,dB's, webservices,whatever) needs a whopping 20+GB ram and 4vcpu's just to receive metrics and sent it to the main server, for just being a middleman???

Fucking piece of shit.

And worse of it all, due to some fuckery at mgmt-customer relationship level, they want to I stall MORE of this shit

Fucking shit

Quest software, never engage with them. You'll lose equal amounts of money as for dynatrace but be very bad off

- Cookie warnings
- Autoplay videos
- "It's better on the app!"
- Surprise paywall
- Newsletter popups
- "Sorry, this content is not available in your region!"
- Lazily paraphrasing another website without disclosing the source in an obvious way
- Anti-adblock popups
- "Become a pro-member today: starting at $4.99/month!"
- "Sign up here to get my free e-book! :)"
- "keep reading" button to load the rest of the damn article
- "We have a podcast!"
- ...

I hate the current state of the web.

When you turn on antialiasing on windows xp

Ok so I'm trying to focus on reading docs on a game engine to do some game dev

And wife busy disturbing
wife: come do this for me
wife: come sit with me
wife: come talk to me
wife: come massage me
wife: come do this to me

Its like a stream of endless error messages

I'm in internship, why the fuck am I the one explaining them how to use git, Android studio????? Why am I the project manager?????? I'm supposed to learn from you not the opposite. Fuck this monkey.

Stakeholder: Is it possible for you to set up the website to automatically resubmit failed online orders? Last time there were failed orders, we tried submitting manually but a lot failed because they were tickets for the previous day.

Product Manager: What are your thoughts, Developer?

Me: This wouldn’t be worth the labor. It’s something that would rarely be used. There are very few orders that fail. I’d be surprised if it was even once a week. The recent bunch of order failures that SH is talking about happened because the ticketing server (separate from the website) couldn’t handle all the requests. Let’s say you had resubmission logic to try 3x before allowing the fail. It wouldn’t work because the server was overwhelmed already. Let’s say you had a background task to check for failures every ten minutes and resubmit those. It might not be helpful because the customer could have already gone to a ticketing window for help with the failed order.

SH: But what if it happens again???

Me: The solution is to make sure the ticketing server can handle the influx of requests. We can coordinate with that team. Wait. Why did you wait until the next day to resubmit orders in the admin panel? A lot of those failures happened when there were many hours left in the business day. For each order failure, an email notification is sent to the sales support email in real time. Who is monitoring that inbox? Someone must be looking at it because the sales support email is listed multiple times on the ticketing website as the technical assistance email.

SH: I know that email notification goes to the engineering team.

Me: My question is not about the engineering team. I asked who is monitoring the sales support inbox.

SH: That email … gets filtered.

Me and Product Manager: 😧🤯🤬

PM: First, you need to stop filtering that email notification. Second, your team needs to come up with a flow to handle failed orders because you told us you don’t have one. After you tried this and there’s still an issue, then we can revisit.

—-
If you’re wondering why I said no, I’m a team of one and I have a bunch of other development tasks on my plate. I’m not automating a manual task that rarely has to be performed.

So today our CFO stepped into IT and angrily proclaimed someone using tech@ e-mail and fake name is defrauding company funds buying themselves... "used female lingerie with extra virgin juice" (sic!).

I work for an IPSP, we handle finance for commercial services (think PayPal but smaller). One of our clients is a big platform where girls can sell items like bath water, used socks and more. CFO demanded our admins found out who and when connected to that website, what URLs and so on.

As mentioned, said platform is pretty big, hence, from time to time we help them with their service when they ask us to, that's why we have a tech@ account. Last month there was a minor issue with one of the banks, someone fixed it and, as per usual, made a small payment of €1 topping up the account wallet to make sure everything works. It was an intern whose will to live is still strong and unencumbered with experience so she jokingly wrote "panties juice, extra virgin" in the payment note. What she *didn't know*, however, is that admins on that platform used the very same account to test new billing system they've implemented and our CFO received an invoice.

I fucking love noise cancelling headphone. Not just to block the noise but also to dive elbows deep into focus mode with code.

That is until your partner sneeks up to you on the side you don’t see.

I’m not kidding i just had a fucking heart attack guys!

Coworker: hi
Me: hi
... 3 hours later ...
C: hi
M: how can I help?
...
C: hi
M: HAVE YOU EVER USED COMMUNICATOR IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT IN FIRST MESSAGE, DONT WAIT FOR ME TO HI YOU BACK, WHAT THE HELL HOW MANY TIMES A DAY YOU NEED TO GREET ME

Go to hell elastic cloud!

While true:
I can’t resize my elasticsearch instance to get memory because it’s stuck….

It’s stuck because it doesn’t has enough memory to actually start …

Wtf!

Tech/IT worker compass

With this new manager joining, it's like the full circle of idiots is complete!