Excuse me boss!

During increment time
Boss : There are 50 bricks on an Plane. If u drop 1 outside. How many
are left?

Employee : That's easy, 49.

Boss : What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?

Employee : Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge

Boss : What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?

Employee : Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.

Boss : It's lion's birthday, all animals are there except one, why?

Employee : Because the deer is in the fridge.

Boss : How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?

Employee : She crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday

Boss : Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why?

Employee : Er....I guess she drowned....err...

Boss : No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the Plane that's the problem, you are not focused on your job....You may leave now!!!

Moral: If your boss has decided to screw u, no matter How much u prepare u will be screwed.

My ASANA task list :/ I always get distracted with new bugs coming in...oh squirrel!

Even the app isn't sure. 💏

This > whiteboard

How to identify an Android developer?

Her: Hey, just heard what John did to you.

Me: Yea. I can't believe he screwed me over like that. I thought he was my friend.

Her: Don't worry. Forget about the bustard. You know #FFF

Me: 🙁 #FFF? What does white got to do with all this.

Her: What???

Me: #FFF. This is white.

Her: Nooooo. It means Fuck Fake Friends. As in the G. Eazy song.

Me: Ohhh😐

Hoorah! My code finally works! Now gotta remove those 1000 print statements I used to identify the bugs 😥

And I didn't find my emails for days...

Girl: What's your idea of the perfect date?

Me: dd/mm/yyyy, others formats are confusing

Me: Wait where are you going

Web devs daily day

When the new employee shows up with new ideas and is all excited to work there.

Showed my boss DevRant, and now he wants me to make a BossRant..

USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails

My girlfriend comes in and sees me on devrant.

GF: "What is that app? I see you using it all the time. Is it like an endless blog with updates?"
Me: "It's kinda like facebook. But for developers. And you don't have any friends".
GF: "That seems like a sad app"

The intern next to me is currently giving telephonic interview sitting in his cubicle 🙄

My wife wants me to learn another language. I told her I was already fluent in half a dozen languages, and decent at ton more.

Apparently computer languages don't count...

Asked a girl what would she like to eat and gave her two options. She answered "Ok. Let's go".

Error cannot find parameters in line 2

The worst thing about the gender gap in tech is that I can't find someone to borrow a hair tie from.

Girl: Can you make me an app?
Me: What kind of app do you have in mind?
Girl: I want it to be... like an app!
Me: Sounds a bit to difficult sorry.

When the manager says, more commenting on code

The sloth of browsers

Me: Do you know what DDOS stands for?
New hire: Distributed database operating system.

I often times write code and think to myself "I don't have to comment this, it's obvious what is going on", only to find myself back at the same code, figuring out wtf it does...

So my gf was sleeping and i took the opportunity to unlock her phone using her finger print. Sent bunch of texts and later told her i hacked her cellphone. She now believes i am a genuine hacker. Should i tell her the truth or just drag a little longer?

App has dark theme. Loading screen is bright white. RIP my eyes