Looks like I’m getting fired 😶

My team is like the Avengers except instead of different superpowers we all have different personality disorders.

PSA: Please don't dump 10GB of your personal photos on your company's shared drives. Especially dont have the photos include such things as nudes and pictures of your social security card.

-- kthx

Good morning from the top of my home.

You just came in today, being new in your position. I've been with the company for around 5 years, and you're the new guy. Look, I absolutely respect your skills. You're not a newbie coming out of uni, ok? You're a skilled sysadmin. But you asking me "what is your college?" and after me telling you I majored in linguistics, your answer "huh, that's why" and explaining why I'm wrong in my programming practices (which are taken from the Apache foundation) is utterly bullshit. Fuck off!

1) The fact that you have a BS in CS doesn't mean you know the best. I've worked as a programmer for some time. You were never paid to write a line of code.

2) Even if you were absolutely, positively, non-questionably right, you have no right to be condescending.

So, can you just shove your degree far up your ass? Because my friend, you're uppity as fuck just because you spent 4 years in college learning theory that you never applied in real world. I spent years learning my programming skills alone, after 9 to 5 work, during the evenings and fucking weekends. I don't need to prove myself to you, you fuckity fuck, I have proven myself to our employer over the last five fucking years.

Fuuuuuuuck!

Client: "This has been broken for weeks! Why is it still broken!?!?"

Me: "Did you tell anyone it was broken?"

Client: "Well...um...no..."

I may be good at my job, but I have not been able to (nor do I want to) develop mind-reading abilities. Now please fuck off (so that I can go fix it).

Start-ups be like...

I've got myself a new notebook. Lenovo ideapad 330.

Had troubles with the installation, but I will be using elementary os in a few minutes! I'm excited!

😁😁😁😁

What stack do you guys use at work and do you like it?

Caps Lock preventing login since 1980.

When you forward an email from your boss to yourself again as a reminder, but add cuss words in because that's how you operate, the recipients list only lists yourself, but it apparently notifies your boss and shit.

Thanks for nothing microsoft.

We're hiring managers and engineers at a remote site, and the recruiter is setting up calls with skype for business. To use this-- even the web version, I have to run windows, so I had to dust off my windows VM to join. I fire up the VM, called "plague" in virsh, and...

Boom! An hour of updates and a half dozen reboots! And people wonder why windows is dying.

When good developers are afraid of refactoring and adding new classes is something to be feared, you need to rethink your architecture.

In fact, if there's ever that "dark corner" of code that no-one likes to work with, you've got to fix it.

It's like continuous deployment. We do it often because it's hard and having to deploy regularly forces us to make it easier.

Pure evil

Just had a meeting about performance and monitoring. The main topic of the meeting was to be aware of disk space usage. If there are issues with memory leaks or processor hogging don't worry those are fine, just give it more.

When your "senior software architect" comes over to where the rest of the team is working to tell the level 1 developer, "I saw your review and it was so wrong that I didn't even bother leaving a comment." There are no words. Way to help teach, encourage, and bring up the younger, less experienced devs.

What devrant taught me:

Everyone hates java
Everyone hates php
Everyone hates spaces
Everyone hates tabs
Everyone hates vim
Everyone hates windows
Everyone hates linux
Everyone hates clients
Everyone hates PMs
Everyone hates every language they're not working with
Everyone loves devrant 😊

Programmers life?

Having a non technical boss is such a pain. He thinks all the features should be a piece of cake. There should be a course in business departments where people will be taught how programming works.

I've been asked to do some investigation at work regarding an IT security incident. Thankfully I've watched plenty of CSI so I'm just working on building a GUI with VB to track the IP...

It's great when you see your position being recruited for and after 2 months of scouting management still can't find someone better.

Hate me all you want I'm still the best you've got and apparently the best you're getting.

What are they going to do when I tell them I'm done after this project 😂🖕💯

I will take this as a compliment :)

!rant
When applying for a new job, how do you tell the difference between somewhere that is really old fashioned but wants someone come in and make improvements to processes and coding standards... And somewhere that pretends to want those things, but actually has no intention of letting anyone make those changes?

Today we interviewed a _very_ good Angular1 Dev, by chance we showed him the forked ngRouter module we use, after some debate he explained that we were using it incorrectly.. I asked if he'd used it before to which he responded:

"Yeah, I'm the guy who built it"

😅

One of my worst meetings, as the sheer rage was unbelievable.

Backstory:
Architect: "Stop duplicating code", "stop copy pasting code", "We need to reuse code more", "We need to look at a new pattern for unit tests" etc.

Meeting:
Architect: What did you want to talk about?

Me: I built a really simple lightweight library to solve a lot of our problems. Its built to make unit testing our code much easier, devs only need to change a small bit of how they work.

Architect: I like the pattern a lot, looks great ... but why a library? can we not just copy the code from project to project?

... do you have a twin or something?

When I was having Introduction to Programming in the first year of college, the teacher said something that stuck to me:

"Always program as if the guy who ends up mantaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live."

I later found out that it was a quote by Martin Golding. But it really motivated me to keep decent documentation of every method o.o

The worst thing about being a dev is explaining to these fucktards that facebook can't be hacked.
But what is even worse, is when these dipshits say that i am a bad dev for not hacking facebook for them.
Use that big stupid head to sometimes think straight and stop being a little twat.

Stackoverflow

When I was just starting with programming I used to google a lot (more) of my problems. But just just copying them made me feel guilty, since I could not handle the problem myself. So I decided to analyse a code to the point where i understand exactly how it works. Sometimes it took me a couple of hours to understand a method, which was written 1 or 2 levels over my current level, but it was totally worth it. I learned a lot about Java, how to write cleaner code in general and how to read and understand code quickly.

I am roughly 12 hours away from a deadline that seemed pretty impossible.
I finally got everything to work, it seems I'm actually going to make it.
After so many hours of frustration, despair and walking in circles, it is finally fun again :)

When new developers join in your team, please make a time and help them to get confidence with the project they will work on. Besides the project's documentation there is a human factor that can make the difference between a just another dev team and a great one.