When I first started my current job, 2.5 years ago, I helped write the class that told the machine how to dispense and deposit money.

When the other programmer left, I decided to refactor that section. I wrote a new class that told the machine how to dispense and deposit money.

We are integrating new hardware that has a very different protocol of communication. I am making a library that will convert universal commands into vendor specific function calls. I am writing a new library that tells the machine how to dispense and deposit money.

Customer: the user summary report does not show all the transaction data I want to see

Me: there is a report called "transaction log report" that will show all the transactions

Customer: is that the user summary report?

Let's go

My workspace

VB = Visual Basic
C# = Visual Java

Interger

My coworker, whom I attempt to mentor when I am not frustrated and impatient, is refactoring one of our smaller programs. It uses modern MVVM practices, unlike the dilapidated crap we inherited from my predecessor and the lazy asshole that was me 3 years ago. I am excited to see what he learns and what he can teach me, maybe he will finally understand my shortcomings as a mentor.

There are days I work hard and nobody notices. Today I have done almost nothing and nobody notices.

Independence is bittersweet

Getting along woth my incompetent boss. I have 4 bosses and 3 of them are great, 1 of them got an email from me this morning detailing why he stresses me out and was the reason my predecessor quit.

Religion is ruined by people.
God's bugs are our mistakes, the platypi, and turtle penises.
Nature is so much better without us, I enjoy programming but the users are polluting, wasteful, selfish useless beings removing resources from the Earth.

Sometimes I want to become a hacker and ruin rich people's lives.

Breakpoints. I didn't learn about breakpoints until 6 months after college. Inexcusable.

I made a program that dispenses coins in 345 lines. It tells you if the coin tray is in place, and if it didn't dispense enough coins it will tell you how many successfully dispensed. It also has ACK\NAK communication. It's written in C for a specialized microcontroller.

I have written code that talks to 4 devices, but this is the only one I have written the code for. In 2 years it has never had a bug, and always responds quickly and correctly via RS 232.

Really, you didn't see it coming?

I had an interview with facebook, asked me to write something that sorts points on a parabola. Wrote it in java, tested output every step of the way with the interviewer watching.

Said they didn't like that I wrote pseudocode. You know, the kind that compiles and takes in dynamic input and prints the answer correctly to the console.

Night Errors.

When you wake up screaming because you were dreaming about buggy code.

I try and try and try to teach my coworker critical thinking skills, proper programming techniques, and standard git etiquette. Then I add 4 booleans to solve one problem, use strings instead of ints to find unique SQL Server entities, and push right to the development branch.

I am a real asshole, but at least I am not fake.

My grandad visited and he and my dad built a computer. 100MHz, 133 if you pushed the turbo button, 4x cd rom drive, Windows 3.1. My brother and I fought over it nearly every day.

Him: i get this error when i insert into table, ForeignKey_contraint failed, what can i do?

Me: you have to obey the constraint, make sure it exists in the other table first

Him: ok i did that but i still get ForeignKey constraint error

Me: yeah that table has a couple foreign keys

Him: could you give me a very specific example how to insert into this table

Me: ........ here is a command to remove constraints on the table

Him: thanks, that fixed it!

I am helping a programmer who works with Costco integrate to software my company sells. I don't have source code, just an understanding of the database and what the software does. If he is getting paid more than me, then I should get a job there and ask for double, I could easily work 10 times faster than this buffoon.

Null-propagation operator and null coalesce all in one line makes me tingly.

return registryKey.GetValue("foo")?.ToString()??"bar";

!rant

Do you think you are adventurous? We do stuff most people could never imagine.

I wanna drip hot wax on a naked lady...

I have dreams where I stare at code/tables/program output, half of the problems are real and half are made up, I wake up stressed out about not solving anything and trying to remember which is the real half I need to solve.

Why can't I dream about the video games I play? I need to get a life...

A subservient idiot of my CEO who thinks he is my boss has asked me to document our daily standup meetings.

Today I put together all the reasons this is a waste of time in my head: nobody reads these, if you read them once every 2 weeks what's the point of writing these everyday, you don't understand what we do, this takes time away from us actually accomplishing shit.

He was out for kidney stones today. He is in immense pain, but I cannot lay the logical smackdown I had prepared upon him.

Bittersweet

Jason arrived at the front of the queue, approached the restful priest, hands open.

The priest said, "body of request"

!devrant

I don't want the girls that want me; I want the ones that don't

Why do I always do things the hard way?

I have a piece of software pulling data from a database. I have been having a problem storing time values correctly, so I am running some tests with the customer. He has some data for Sunday and he says "Oh chick fil a should be empty!" Idk why I think it's funny but we are guaranteed test data because of the Bible.

Not enough dog options I need a little black dog for my avatar. My dog's name is Tuna, do not disappoint him.

Reveal of my geckos' enclosure, next to my Pacman frog's enclosure, next to my hermit crabs' enclosure, next to my poison dart frogs' enclosure, over my corn snake's enclosure, next to my red cherry shrimps' aquarium, which is next to the bin that all the dubia roaches live in.

public const bool DEBUG_THAT_SHIT = ConfigurationManager.ParseBool("debugThatShit");

public const bool DEBUG_THAT_OTHER_SHIT = ConfigurationManager.ParseBool("debugThatOtherShit");

public bool iMadeANewFeature = ConfigurationManager.ParseBool("newFeature")?true:false;

Fucking new guy, can you not fucking read the other constants and make them look the same? Apparently not and I am the asshole.

Some people tape up inputs like camera and mic to keep gov and hackers out of their private lives.

Me, I'm an exhibitionist.

Once a month I get a crash for the stupid PHP site I am in charge of because the guy who made the database made the primary key of a table a varchar. It is a number 99.9% of the time but the dumbass customer always enters one entry with a string cuz the dumbass db Dev let them. I emailed the dumbass Dev telling him he is stupid and he said it is part of their philosophy. I told him I still think he is stupid so he emailed my boss.

I emailed him again telling him he is stupid.