Client: Can I speak to the developer responsible for my website?
Developer: Speaking...
Client: You have a deep voice for a 5 year old.

Coworker in my team recently said to boss:

"Thanks, this conversation with you has taught me so much about single-threaded blocking I/O"

Some random PR comments from our company's repository:

"Are you insured? I hope you are insured"

"Learning git is not that difficult. You only need one command: git reset --hard"

*Link to amazon for dog poop bags*
"Please clean up your shit, before I step in it"

"Have you thought about a career in sales? At least there you might sell your bullshit"

First Day At Work

Friend: So...... How was it?

Me : Alteast the chairs are good.

what in the world of utter fuck...

Paid intern: It's just like $feature_in_other_app
me: Yeah, in the same way that chemotherapy is a haircut...

Wow! That's microsoft quality!

Interviewing a candidate for a dev position.

Interview is over and handshakes commence.

After the interview we have a debrief in a room that has hand sanitizer in it (just coincidence).

I squirt some and it comes out like a rocket ship; getting all over one of his resumes we printed. It looks like jizz...

One of the head guys walks in a says:

“I hope he didn’t hand you the resume like that.”

To which one of our ops people, let’s call her Sara, says...

“No, leanrob just REALLY likes his resume!!!”

> I almost fucking died from laughter

- hang on for a second
- why?
- The garbage collector should pick you up any minute now

Look... I know I'm just a newbie. I started a year ago as a junior. Sure. No one wants to do code review, so I got chosen to do it. People don't like it when their code gets criticised. And you know what? I get it, I should probably be a bit nicer with my comments. I should not suggest I'll make a fork and split internal library into two streams if things continue this way. I should not ask questions that can be understood as me being passive-aggressive.

But holy fucking shit, you're a senior developer. Don't treat Java as a fucking scripting language. Don't have a method that has 600 lines of code, because you're repeating the code! You've already copy pasted this shit, and modified it slightly. Like, couldn't you have created some architecture around the code? How can a senior dev copy-paste code?

Oh and why the fuck did you create a new utility class for functionality I already provide? Look, I admit, yours is a lot better, ok? It has extra functionality. But why the fuck didn't you enhance my utility class? Why did you create a new one? Did you just not want to touch my code, or did you not see it right below your newly created class?

Am I the only one who fucking cares about maintainable code in this company? When I got hired, I was in tears by how frustrating a lot of the things were. No documentation anywhere, not even fucking comments. No processes in place. Want to do something? Source code is your documentation. Fuck you! I busted my ass of to force everyone to document every little bullshit, to re-factor their MRs that I reviewed, and I won't let even a senior fucking dev pollute the code base!

Fuuuuuck... Me...

Fuck XML.

Just... Fuck it, i'm fucking done.

17 minutes without single break. That was longest nightmare for me. I had to write 6 lines of code... You know how that feels. My fingers were bleeding and my eyes were burning. Oh maan, I don't even want to remember that hard days.

Implementing the application exactly like the client specified, because they won't listen.

Advice to new programmers.

!rant
WK119
Hey guys.
For you guys that are getting depressed looking for such nice setups, please remember something...
The Facebook effect:
You only see the tip of the Iceberg, the nice things, you can't see all the shit that other people won't show.
Yes, a few have some dream setups, but most of us are lucky to have two monitors or decent hardware...
What counts is that you can work in your machine... And take the posts as Ideas for your own dream setup, when you can afford it.
Mine (Ill show when I clean this shit up) is good enough and took me 2 years to get the minimum when I could afford it.

Tru story:

We have a folder that we keep as shared documentation known as Javascript And PHP Fuckery made by yours truly in which I added a bunch of fixes to fuckery written in those 2 languages by previous developers.

The entire department has access to those files(as in all of IT) and I have been commended by the head of our department for my determination and uncanny ability to spot fuckery and fix it.

He says that he "thoroughly enjoys my colorful mastery of language, sarcasm and cognitive imagery when dealing with documentation regarding the code horrors done by previous developers"

By cognitive imagery he said that he meant my thought process and that he wouldn't trust a developer that does not use this language.

Fucking killing it b.

I'll let y'all(as in youse) when I am done with my Book(if anyone here steals the idea of the title as js php fuckery i am gonna sue you)

In our office, everyone is placed so that we have a wall behind us. Initially, there was enough room behind us so that we can walk just fine.

Everything was fine till our manager didn't start making us some random visits and standing behind us just looking at our screens and making us feel unpleasant.

So one day we moved the tables so there is almost no room behind us. And we are aligned in a row with no space between the tables. Now if the manager decided to do it again he would have to struggle his way behind us.

Few days passed by and our manager finally showed he saw what we did, didn't say anything. It was clear that he wasn't happy about it. He tried to lean himself over the monitors to take a look but that was just not so as "good" as standing behind us...

A time passed and one day when we came to work we saw the tables moved forward some 15-20cm just enough to be able to move behind. Almost immediately we pulled them back as they were before.

We moved back and forward already few times and are currently playing cat and mouse with our manager.

Noone is saying anything just the tables are moving every 2-3 days or so. Let's see who is going to give up first hahaha

Shitty pickup lines #1

Legacy code :)

I was tutoring a Freshman, its something you must do at my uni and I saw his code. He said he stopped working when he changed text editors...

God damn, its like the aftermath of a tornado

Windows be like:

Source: Twitter.

I really am grateful to be a software engineer.

Being a software engineer here in my country really is wonderful. We're very short on software engineering and IT professionals, so we could quite easily make 2 to 4, even 5 times average salary, and most of us don't even have to worry about getting fired because we can quite easily get a new job in a matter of weeks.

I'm really, really grateful. And I intend to give back to the community by enabling those without access to formal education in IT to learn a bit about software engineering by sharing my knowledge freely in my blog. I hope I can keep consistent in this. Wish me luck!