Dev: Sam’s a little nervous about taking his paid leave. I guess it’s not common in Nigeria. He needs to hear from the company that taking time off like that is acceptable.

HR: THAT’S SO INAPPROPRIATE! YOU CAN’T ASSUME HE’S FRON NIGERIA JUST BECAUSE HE’S BLACK. BLACK PEOPLE HAVE A VERY RICH AND DIVERSE CULTURE, THEY ARE NOT ALL FROM NIGERIA!!!

Dev: Sam is from Nigeria. He told me so. He tells me a lot of stories from there.

HR: …

Dev: Can you tell me something about Sam besides his skin colour?

HR: …

Dev: …

Microsoft are making this target too easy

User: We have been dealing with this bug for a month now! How come nobody has fixed it?

Dev: Who did notify about this issue?

User: You’re not listening we have been dealing with this for a MONTH!

Dev: When this issue first occurred did you tell anyone?

User: Yes!

Dev: Who?

User: …. Ok I don’t remember but I know I said something to someone. Anyway it doesn’t matter, your job is IT so how come this isn’t fixed?

Dev: Did you have an email? Ticket number? Teams message? Any record of where this was dropped?

User: I think you’re missing the point. We haven’t been able to do out jobs for A MONTH. We’ve just been sitting around completely helpless. We’ve been trying to figure a system using paper and pencil to replace the electronic one but it’s too complicated. How come this wasn’t fixed the second it happened?

Dev: It’s hard to respond to an issue if it’s not brought to out attention.

User: Ok but we are too busy to create a ticket! We have a million things to do and we can’t do any of them because your app doesn’t work! We’ve been sitting here telling each other how terrible this system is AND IT HAS BEEN A MONTH.

Dev: …. Yeah I got that

Me to HR lad: So yea I need you to process my resignation

HR lad to me (*silently whispering on phone*): I’ve resigned too. Good luck.

18000 duplicate lines that were manually copy pasted by the previous programmer.

I replaced them with a for loop.

I don’t think it was that hard…

Samsung be like...
-- 8GB ram
-- 64GB storage.

Buy phone...
Open settings...
-- 50+ system apps
-- 2gb ram left
-- 12gb storage remaining

This is how 1 Gbit/s internet looks like here in Russia. It’s amazingly stable and it costs $4/mo

When the interns mess up big time, good orgs support them. 😭💙

Linux: the weather applet in the panel displays the weather. When I open it, it displays more weather details.

Windows: the weather applet in the task bar displays the weather. When I open it, it displays random news and stock prices.

Microsoft can't even do a fucking weather applet right. Everything has to be an incoherent mess.

What's worse than someone pointing their dirty finger on your laptop/desktop screen?

Someone pointing their opened/exposed ballpoint pen on your laptop/desktop screen.

It seems female developers are getting scarce by the day... Maybe it's just my region. 🤷🏽‍♂️

So Someone in my team decided to create a cron job that auto send email to the client that says "GO FUCK YOURSELF" in clients' Hostinger (shared hosting) account .

My friend , why?

Yep... That's probably how it actually is and why everything I get is high priority...

YOU ARE A FUCKING SOFTWARE DEVELOPER WITH AT LEAST A LITTLE TRAINING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE STOP FUCKING UP THE GIT REPOSITORY BY COMMITTING THE GODDAMN NODE_MODULES

I did get a raise but we also hired like 5 new people... But I still do the same amount of work... Which was already too much...

Ok, it's one of those days.

SMM: Can you chat over the phone? Just want to make sure we are on the same page! I am not great with web lingo!

Me: Sure.

Me, internally: You're a social media manager. That's literally your one fucking job.

I prefer the best ones. The worst ones usually aren't very good.

The saga of requirements changed after the feature is done continues:

Manager: “I have reopened your ticket cause it doesn’t fit the requirements”

*checks for requirements changes*

“Updated 2 mins ago”

You fucking piece of

......

A) Create something that works, is fast, minimum bugs, have edge cases covered, nice testes, clean code. Cool, you did your job. END.

B) Create something shitty with bugs, performance issues, non or poor test coverage, mess code, etc. Cool, you did you job. But...

Next week you reduced bugs by 50%. Wow, you're rockstar.

Another week you improved performance by 15%. Again, you're the hero.

2 weeks later, you reached 85% test coverage. Management is so happy that almost got orgasm.

"A" took 3 months, "B" took 3 months plus few months of fixes. The only time where B was winning was first 4 weeks, where A was carefully building it's architecture and quality.

Yet B is seemed more successful.

This industry is F****d Up beyond my understanding.

People who say "hi" on slack and then take 50 years to say what they actually want to say.

People who sit on the table beside yours to play games on their phones.

People who call you dad.

People.

!rant
*me logging into the demo system*
Me: so what is the login data?
Boss: we are a security company, what do you think?
Me: admin admin?
Boss: admin admin.

Best: the tool that works for the job.
Worst: the tool that doesn’t.

Example: Ruby is great for scripts and web dev, but simply doesn’t work for graphics engines.

Example: SQL is great for fetching data (etc.), but it is absolutely terrible for business logic.

Example: XSLT is great for lowering your faith and your will to live, but it is absolutely awful for literally every other purpose.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

* Updates and adds unit tests *
* Runs unit tests *
* All tests pass *

What the fuck? I'm not THAT good to write tests that pass on the first iteration.

* Runs unit tests *
* All tests pass *

Someting's not right here.

* Checks terminal *

FUCK I'm in the wrong project folder

Please, do not "learn to code".
The industry is already filled with too many shitheads who think they're the next bill gates.
Most people have no business coding anything.
You might hear big tech screeching about "tech shortages" and that "we need more coders" but in reality, they're trying to flood the developer market with shit-tier coders so they can pay less wages, because they're too greedy to pay their workers a decent salary.

We don't need more coders.

You're not special.

Your bootcamp project looks like dogshit and 10,000 other people wrote the same thing only better.

Way to go Hitachi !! My almost oldest hard drive.

65644 hours "on". Still working lol.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JASMINE
FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK
FML

Put it in the backlog