I'm starting my new job in 10 days, but I don't have the proper internet access to feel really confident about it. My parents want me to move out of the house so they don't have to accommodate for my new job. I'm getting chemo in a few weeks. I'm really sick of fighting shit. Trusting in the plan though.

Looks like I’m getting fired 😶

How do you even come up with shit like this?

I'm the biggest dumbass, the laziest procrastinator I know of..

Joined devRant in June 2017, got eligible for the stickers in a week's time, sent a mail requesting them, but never received it. Given the size of our community, I thought I'm way behind in the list and probably receive them in few months. After a year, I totally forgot about it.

But, the colossal stupid that I am, had also lost the key to my mailbox (the physical one). I never cared about the lost key, because who sends post these days !!!

When I finally got a duplicate key for my mailbox after 2 years, guess what I found.. a first class international mail from devRant which arrived on July 2017 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️, couple of weeks after I originally requested

But, yay... I finally got them..

Can we do that??? 😶

My girlfriend is amazing:

After a long uphill battle trying to finish a huge open source project I started months ago. She noticed I was getting a little deflated.
So she donated a small amount to the donation page to lift my spirits.
She wanted to do it secretly but didn't know that it wasnt anonymous.

The little things spur us on.

Don't you love transferring server hosts and paying for a dedicated IP only to get given an IP that is already in use and forward it using the incorrect port .-.

*Deep breathing*

Recruiter: Hi, i'm recruiting for xyz, your profile looks like a great fit. Would you be interested in discussing further?

Me: Hi, your company website says you only have an office location in Berlin. I've marked my profile as not interested in relocation, only interested in jobs in my country and said the same in my description. Are you expanding to my country?

Recruiter: You are correct, this role is based in AMAZING Berlin. Are you interested in relocating?

Me:

If a frontend dev asks for screens, mocks, designs or whatever, all the company pushes for it and gives it to them, but if a backend dev asks for a set of input/output samples for a feature, the same people claim "its so hard to think about the cases"... Wtf are they thinking?

Well said. Well said indeed.

They always say "Stop wasting time".
They always say "Just use the tools we are all using".
They always say "I get it, you're the OSS guy. IDC, go to work now".
They always say "I hope you won't be logging this time on our customer's timesheet".

And they always come back to me "Look, I've heard that tool you've made/found is really cool and efficient, saves lots of trouble and makes us go faster. Can you send it to me via slack? TIA"

I see things that could/should work better and I make them do exactly that. It's my gift. It's my curse.

TLDR - you shouldn't expect common sense from idiots who have access to databases.

I joined a startup recently. I know startups are not known for their stable architecture, but this was next level stuff.
There is one prod mongodb server.
The db has 300 collections.
200 of those 300 collections are backups/test collections.
25 collections are used to store LOGS!! They decided to store millions of logs in a nosql db because setting up a mysql server requires effort, why do that when you've already set up mongodb. Lol 😂
Each field is indexed separately in the log.
1 collection is of 2 tb and has more than 1 billion records.
Out of the 1 billion records, 1 million records are required, the rest are obsolete. Each field has an index. Apparently the asshole DBA never knew there's something called capped collection or partial indexes.

Trying to get approval to clean up the db since 3 months, but fucking bureaucracy. Extremely high server costs plus every week the db goes down since some idiot runs a query on this mammoth collection. There's one single set of credentials for everything. Everyone from applications to interns use the same creds.
And the asshole DBA left, making me in charge of handling this shit now. I am trying to fix this but am stuck to get approval from business management. Devs like these make me feel sad that they have zero respect for their work and inability to listen to people trying to improve the system.

Going to leave this place really soon. No point in working somewhere where you are expected to show up for 8 hours, irrespective of whether you even switch on your laptop.
Wish me luck folks.

We need more JS devs for our frontend.
After half a year of PM complaining that he doesn’t find devs, he finally came back to us:
„Sorry guys, I found two devs, but they are not Java developers, they only do JavaScript“
Me:
Team:
*both speechless*
TeamLead: „... wait, you searched for Java devs half a year?“

"WE'RE HIRING!!"

Skills Required:

BEFORE: HTML, CSS, JS, jQuery

NOW: REACT/VUE/ANGULAR, NODE, CI/CD PIPELINE, DOCKER, GRAPHQL, JOHN CENA

how to deal with errors:

This sticker shows what I think of Apple devices

When you decide to learn JavaScript and you make a object and realize it is a method, nothing like Java objects😑

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been charged with 17 new counts under the Espionage Act for "unlawfully obtaining" and disclosing national defense information.

Massive attack on media freedom and free speech.

Hitler sort: Delete every odd element.

First time I heard a client say: "You've done a phenomenal job, but you've over-delivered. You should have come to me. We could have worked it out." after we had to ask for an extension.
That's a keeper.

I hired a new developer after careful screening and interviewing many candidates.

First thing he's asking first day on the job
- I have already booked august month for holiday, is that a problem?
- I need to come 2 hours before anyone else in the morning and leave 2 hours before, everyday because I have things to do at home.
- I've seen that espn.com sport news are blocked by the firewall, why is that?
- I've installed bitTorrent on my PC but it's very slow downloading movies

I hope he's good.

I know it's not a story and also not a joke or meme but then also I want to share it because this gives me goose bumps

This photo won award for best photo and led the photographer into depression.

The cheetahs chased the mother deer and her 2 fawns(baby deers), the mother could've easily outrun cheetahs but instead she offered herself to cheetahs so that her kids can manage to run safety.

In this picture she is looking at her babies running safely as she is about to get torn into pieces.

She is about to get torn to pieces but she is dosen't look a bit hesitated.
That's mother for you!!

Is :/ (devrant logo) a pocker pace or a prompt to root directory?
Maybe none of them or both :))

First internship (ranted about it before).

- Had to google translate their entire internal crm.
- pointed out major security flaws and got a speech saying that "I shouldn't think so high of myself and I didn't have the fucking right to criticize their products"
- every time the boss came to the office after a failed sales presentation, we (interns) got called the most nasty stuff. Yes. We didn't have anything to do with that at all.
- I had "hygiene issues": window to the south with 35-40 degrees (Celsius) feeling temperature and no airco. Deo didn't really make a difference but wasn't allowed to use it there anyways. Details: I have a transpiration issue so I sweat shitloads more than other people, that didn't help at all.
- nearly got fired because I had to to to the doctor in company time for a serious health issue.
- was (no kidding) REQUIRES to use internet explorer and we were monitored constantly.

Self esteem dropped through the fucking ground there.

And here comes the last part of my story so far.
After deploying the domain, configuring PCs, configuring the server, configuring the switch, installing software, checking that the correct settings have been applied, configuring MS Outlook (don't ask) and giving each and every user a d e t a i l e d tutorial on using the PC like a modern human and not as a Homo Erectus, I had to lock my door, put down my phone and disconnect the ship's announcement system's speaker in my room. The reasons?
- No one could use USB storage media, or any storage media. As per security policy I emailed and told them about.
- No one could use the ship's computers to connect to the internet. Again, as per policy.
- No one had any games on their Windows 10 Pro machines. As per policy.
- Everyone had to use a 10-character password, valid for 3 months, with certain restrictions. As per policy.
For reasons mentioned above, I had to (almost) blackmail the CO to draft an order enforcing those policies in writing (I know it's standard procedure for you, but for the military where I am it was a truly alien experience). Also, because I never trusted the users to actually backup their data locally, I had UrBackup clone their entire home folder, and a scheduled task execute a script storing them to the old online drive. Soon it became apparent why: (for every sysadmin this is routine, but this was my first experience)
- People kept deleting their files, whining to me to restore them
- People kept getting locked out because they kept entering their password WRONG for FIVE times IN a ROW because THEY had FORGOTTEN the CAPS lock KEY on. Had to enter three or four times during weekend for that.
- People kept whining about the no-USB policy, despite offering e-mail and shared folders.
The final straw was the updates. The CO insisted that I set the updates to manual because some PCs must not restart on their own. The problem is, some users barely ever checked. One particular user, when I asked him to check and do the updates, claimed he did that yesterday. Meanwhile, on the WSUS console: PC inactive for over 90 days.
I blocked the ship's phone when I got reassigned.
Phiew, finally I got all those off my chest! Thanks, guys. All of the rants so far remind me of one quote from Dave Barry:

npm install stuff

I should call myself a "full-stack developer" now.

Ok ! I'm fired !
But U fuckers will pay !
Never fire your pentester , NEVER !!

So, my data is not complete, but after an email exchange with dfox, I'll stop the data collection.
I have just under 40k of users in my database, but have searched less than 10% of the possible userids (although as the ids get larger valid ones get sparser.).

I'm missing A LOT of people, the average user in my db joined on December 1, 2016.
Also some of my data is now almost a day old.
But here are some analytics anyways.

---- DEVRANT USER STATS v0.1.1----
39457 users currently in the database.
---- Score (++):
>0 : 15828
>20 : 11090
>100 : 6726
>500 : 2561
>1000 : 1451
>5000 : 191
>10000 : 67
>20000 : 24
>30000 : 13
>40000 : 8
>50000 : 2
>70000 : 1
>100000 : 1
0< : 170
Most [152854] : linuxxx
Least [-79] : bljj77
Avg : 175.86542311883824
---- Rants:
>0 : 13755
>1 : 10195
>5 : 5235
>10 : 3198
>100 : 206
Most [1045] : linuxxx
Avg : 4.043515725980181
---- Comments:
>0 : 14838
>1 : 12078
>5 : 8149
>10 : 6104
>100 : 1448
>1000 : 121
>10000 : 1
Most [16792] : linuxxx
Avg : 21.737993258483918
---- Upvoted:
>0 : 23425
>1 : 20794
>5 : 16030
>10 : 13340
>100 : 5255
>1000 : 1014
>10000 : 56
Most [86395] : dfox
Avg : 131.29799528600756
---- Favourites:
>0 : 4279
>1 : 2349
>5 : 1104
>10 : 744
>100 : 98
Most [2702] : chilledfrogs
Avg : 1.536381377195428

new kernel, who dis?

I didn't even know it existed xD