Girl: "hey"

My Brain:
java.lang.NullPointerException:
at net.brain.functions.Talk.retrieveSpeech(Talk.java:2978)
at net.brain.functions.Talk.createFlirtyResponse(Talk.java:3132)

Me: null

*Girl walks away*

I'm typing this with my mouse and an on-screen keyboard, because I don't have my physical one at the moment...
Fuck, imagine coding with a mouse...

We are in 2017! :)

Went to go help someone with their wireless printer.

Client: my printer doesnt work.

Me: okay let me take a look at it.. (took a look at it and saw the power core wasnt plug in)
So it seem like you forgot to plug in the powercord. Do you by any chance have it with you?

Client: well it said it was a wireless printer so i didnt think i would need it. I threw it away.

Me: well yeah wireless as in you dont need a usb core to connect it to your computer you can just do it through wifi.. but it needs a power source in order to turn on..

Client: well then why did it said that its a wireless printer if it needs a cord? Thats false advertisement.

Me: Sir the printer is a wireless printer but you cant get power wireless you need a power source in order to turn on the printer.

Client: you probably dont know what youre doing.

Me: *its okay hes only 79 years old*

Tv hacker: I'll write code to hack their security cameras

2 seconds later

Tv hacker: I'm in

Me: go fuck yourself you fucking fuck

Boss: we need high precision volume control
Me: say no more...

Just fucking start it.

Don't stop before it is done.

Take breaks when needed.

And don't forget to have fun!

Why did the integer drown?

Because it wouldn't float.

People, what a bunch of bastards, especially the non-technical “educated” ones. We call them “mundanes” in our office.

Recruiter: are you interested in a client side java role?

Me: yes, here is my client side resume please submit me

Recruiter: sorry the hiring manager said they are looking for more of a back-end engineer

Me: you told me it was a client side role, please resubmit me with my back-end geared resume

Recruiter: yes that's correct, it's client side, we'll keep you in mind for the future but you should know there is a difference between mobile devs and web devs

Me: what you just said is not relevant to this conversation. I would be happy to discuss the diff between front-end and back-end, client vs server, etc.

Recruiter: I'm just relaying what the hiring manager is saying to me

Me: your [lack of] ability to relay technical information is quite apparent :/

*lesson learned*: interview recruiters before they start interviewing me

Unbelievable waste of time, how do these people even make a living? FML!

When your boss wants it done now but you're on vacation

Ubisoft's emergency procedures...

Bought new headphones because my current ones' input fucked up again. Already ordered a new one for free but hours of traveling today without music isn't really an option for me.

New headphones don't work on devices without usb ports! 😭.

Went back to the store because I didn't know that and thought they were just failing and got it explained there. No money back because they were working fine.

Me: "well fuck me right now, then I'll just travel without music today :'(".
Guy: *grabs something from a closet thingy* "Here you go, a pair of earphones!"
Me: "Awesome! How much?"
Guy: "Enjoy your traveling man!".

😮

Thanks a thousand times to that guy!

Looking through my house for a usb key.

My mind tells me to Crtl+F.

Ho.... Im IRL...

Get into bed.

Gets all comfy.

About to drift off.

Realizes solution for the problem I have spent all week on.

Now wide awake.

Guess who's not sleeping tonight!

He's got a valid point

Apple rejected my app, because they throught there was a frickin Windows phone on my loading screen.

How insecure can you be?

She: "Better not visit devRant for the next.. weeks"
Me: "Lol, what have I done?"
She: "The new iPhone is out"
Me: "..."

Almost got my manhood out at work.

There I was in deep thought needing the toilet but wanted to get a coffee first. So I get up go to the kitchen and catch myself next to the bin unzipping.

"You need a website, why not do it yourself?"
NO FUCK YOU WIX. I HAVE DONE IT MYSELF AND I BET YOU USE WEEBLYS WEBSITE BUILDER FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING HOME PAGE. YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL DO IT MYSELF.

*opens code.org*

Dennis.....

uhh... I'm confused...

Friend: You seem so happy recently, is your startup finally profitable?
Me: Naaah, I simply started drinking on weekdays...

My stressball went on vacation

I recently found a company that used employee social security numbers as their login username and their MMDDYYYY as their password (which could not be changed) also their entire network was using a router with no wifi password set. :/

Code I wrote: 15kb
NPM Modules: 198Mb

Installed Linux on an old windows laptop. This is my conversation 5 minutes ago...

Wife: "Have how you got internet?"
Me: "What do you mean, it has a wireless adapter built in?"
Wife: "But it's not Windows?"

WTF!!!

Me: "Pass my phone, this is going on devRant"
Wife: "Please no, not again"

Me: You know what my least favorite programming language is?
Friend: HTML?
Me: No that's not a programming language
Friend: ohh haha I forgot its like Pluto

So, is this where developers come to complain about everything and everybody? I love it

Hence proved, CSS is more difficult than rocket science..