Will the bug in my code please stand up?

I repeat

Will the bug in my code please stand up?

I think we have a problem here.

*music intensifies*

Senior IT engineer enters the room and quietly talks to a coworker about a job related issue.

Another coworker decided to troll the sysadmin.

CW: *yells* "Open a ticket!" (That's the sysadmin's regular reply)
IT: *ignores*
CW: *trying to get his attention* "Open a ticket first! Then come back"
IT: *gives him the stare of death*
CW: "Go away and open a ticket!"
IT: *silently leaves the room*

After no more than a minute CW gets a reject from all networks outside the company's VPN.

IT comes back into the room, get's intimately close to CW's ear and says "Now open a ticket".

👋

🎤

Something which I felt inspirational.. As a programmer or as a Human being, it's our duty to teach others what we know well !
(My Personal opinion)

My job requires us to use Mac. I've spent the week figuring how to get stuff done on it.

My best description of trying to code on mac is that it's kinda like having to extract your mangled penis from a blender before you bleed to death... Except you can't look directly at it, you have to wear a VR headset that's linked to a camera in the corner of the room.

And you can't use your hands directly you have to use an incredibly stylish and ergonomic looking steering wheel to control a robotic arm. The robotic arm has its own artificial intelligence and it desperately wants to help.

Unfortunately it doesn't understand anything about what you're trying to do and it keeps leaping to incorrect conclusions about what you want from it.

Everyone tells you it'll get better, but you're still in intense pain and your penis is still stuck in the blender.

A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money? Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games. - Good monkey, it's worth the money. He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant. "What does this monkey know?" "It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad." "Nice, even I don't know those things." On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. "And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?" "I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!"

Google is full of assholes!

Just paid $25 dollars to list my app on google play store. Within 15 minutes of submitting the app, it got de-listed.

Reason:
Impersonation

Who am I impersonating?
The logo is impersonating the logo shown on MY OWN website!!!

How dafuq can you impersonate your own intellectual property?????

Contacted them back using their form. Didn't even call them "cunts". Asked to have it reviewed.
After waiting 7 business days, started sending them 1 email a day. On day 11 I sent 100 identical email asking them to review it.
Today (day 12), they cleared the app. I got this reply back.

"We found that your app was not in violation of our policies"
-Google

Website design philosophies:

Apple: "...and a really big picture there, and a really big picture there, and a really big picture there, and..."

Microsoft: "border-radius:0 !important;"

Google: "EVERYTHING MOVES!!! And most websites get material design. Most."

Amazon: "We're slowly moving away from 2009"

Wix: "How can we further increase load times?"

Literally any download site: "Click here! No, click here! Nononono!! Click here!!..."

Facebook: "We can't change anything because our main age demographic is around 55"

University websites: "That information isn't hard enough to find yet. Decrease the search accuracy and increase broken links."

I don't get it -.-!

Gary's a prick

Time Travel.

Go and steal great ideas, computers, mobile devices, software etc from the future.
Then sell it for a shitton of money in the 90's

Me: PHP, please load the images.
PHP: No.
Me: Come on PHP, the deadline is tonight.
PHP: Haha nope.
Me: What if I swap the libraries?
PHP: Still no.
Me: What if I add a symlink?
PHP: No. And also I hate you.
Me: *gives up and sends an email to the client saying we have to delay the release*
PHP: lololol jk here's the images haha
Me: :/

Me: GET /sleep
Baby: 307 Temporary Redirect
Baby: 204 No Content
Me: 200 OK

Me: GET /sleep
Baby: 307 Temporary Redirect
Baby: 413 Payload Too Large
Me: 102 Processing
Me: 200 OK

Me: GET /sleep
Baby: 307 Temporary Redirect
Baby: 444 Connection Closed Without Response
Me: 200 OK

Me: GET /sleep
Baby: 307 Temporary Redirect
Baby: 444 Connection Closed Without Response
Me: 429 Too Many Requests

Me: GET /sleep
Baby: 307 Temporary Redirect
Me: 101 Switching Protocols
Me: 408 Request Timeout
GF: 102 Processing

Me: GET /sleep
Sleep: 404 Not Found
Me: 406 Not Acceptable

(Morning)
Me: 501 Not Implemented

I'm not crazy. I just like talking to 127.0.0.1

I often alias sudo as "fucking". Therefore if I get an error like

cannot delete . I just type fucking delete .

Programming: where getting something to break in a different way counts as progress. 🙌🏼

How do you tell HTML from HTML5?

- try it out in Internet Explorer
- did it work?
- no?
- it's HTML5

When you write scripts to automate stuff because you're lazy, but you spend so much time writing them it makes you doubt your own laziness

When people leave their computers unlocked.

A guy is sitting at a bar when the guy next to him lights up a cigarette. Horrified, the guy turns to him and says "hey! Don't you know the surgeon general warns that cigarettes can cause cancer!?" The guy next to him replies "I'm a software developer, I don't care about warnings. Only errors"

Time for an actual rant:

During an internship I heard from my PM that my assignment for the week after was going to be working on a specific sql query to add some features and fix some bugs.

When talking with colleagues about that assignment later, they laughed and referred to the query as the "query of doom" (QoD), naive as I was back then, I thought that one of my colleagues had the QoD displayed on his screen because the query he was working on looked rather large (about 20 lines). They all laughed and told me I was in for a treat.

Starting my assignment the week after I was horrified to find out the QoD was huge, and by huge I mean, printing that specific query resulted in 8 A4 pages font size 10, front and back.
There were over a 100 union statements, no proper aliases, no documentation, not a single foreign key in the entire database, naming that makes no sense. And everything written manually by 10 different developers over the past years, who all fell of the face of the earth.

And this was only the query of doom. The entire product was a complete clusterfuck of forms with a queries directly behind action buttons, because we weren't allowed to make classes (yes you read that correctly. We couldn't make classes, unless we had a very compelling reason). Everything was created by over 30 different devs who only managed to stay just long enough to get some work done.

And all of this was the result of a PM who didn't believe in frameworks, ORM's, OOP, classes, ... because that made the software slow. To this day he still manages that product, but I'm glad that I quickly decided to move on.

When your music is just right and you're coding without interruptions and feel like a wizard.

The scariest thing in programming is when something works when it shouldn't

"Let's mark every issue a high priority so it all gets done faster."

Backend programmer

Does anyone else suddenly lose the ability to type properly as soon as someone is watching/pairing?

Front end and vim

One of my favorites

When you see a someone write this
if(condition){
return true;
} else {
return false;
}

cuting edge ux

Designer x Developer gif