A principle software engineer told me the only reason to unit test was to reduce QA headcount.
He’s a hero. Heroes get promoted here.

An area of my company hired a new director who directed his “DevOps” team to implement a process that would prevent the CI server from running tests on a PR unless the code was reviewed first. He was worried that there would be too many tests executing with 400 developers committing code frequently.

He’s from Yahoo.

A manager in the area, in an effort to “encourage” teams to meet their externally generated commitments before imposing mandatory extended hours, posted a chart showing Mt. Everest with weekly goals as stages up the mountain. First team to the top wins a $20 gift card. Looks just like this picture. Results will probably be similar.

15 days and counting until I move to my new job working for the smartest person I know on something I'm passionate about. Holy shit! This is gonna happen!

Just put my job on the line today and went to my boss's, boss's, boss's boss to raise concerns and protect my team from terrible management. He apologized to me and has scheduled a meeting to talk to the team to let them know they are valued. Sounds like middle management is going to get a talking to. Fingers crossed.

Fuck you, you fucking fucks!

Brilliant idea #23 to deliver more features than can happen without a time machine.

Let's take the team, assume minimal support is required for the brand new thing you just built, split it into four teams with two of them run by Sr Devs who've never seen your app and work on four things in silos. That way, you'll deliver faster!

How did you even get you job?! You want to fucking wreck the team we worked so hard to build, convince the hot shots to leave, AND destroy the app the company is counting on because you're an incompetent fuck-tard!

Hey, fine! But you'll do it without me and I'll work daily to advertise what you did to the people above you that actually CARE about the fate of our company!

Just got offered a awesome internal position. Asked what the interview process was and he said, "I've already seen you present and I've looked at your code. You've interviewed."

Now, if I can get get my current area to release me. 😑

I'd have the power to lint developer brains so they'd write clean code and I wouldn't spend so much time refactoring crap.

When the definition of Minimum Viable Product is "everything by the deep edge cases". FML.

Mgr: Has the BA been doing KT?

Me: No. Was she supposed to?

Mgr: She was supposed to be doing KT so you guys don't miss any information she has.

Me: If we needed what she's been producing, she wouldn't be leaving the team.

I went to a meeting full of business senior management and IT senior management and proceeded to dress them down for treating me and my team like code monkeys. I was quite pointed in my criticism. Now, I'm just trying to deliver to minimize the blowback. I was right, but not my finest example of communication.

const reality = getRealWorld(dream);

So, it works on my Mac and in my teammate's PC on Node 4.0, 4.4, and 6.9 but random tests fail on the CI build with 4.4. FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK!

A remote team decided to annoy me by trying to hold me accountable to their project plan timelines while not delivering a viable API. So, I code reviewed them.

NOT ONE FUCKING TEST! They are "meeting the date" and will "fix it later".

They beat me to production though.

No wonder they argued that a complicated, fragile, expensive, multi-product flow test was absolutely required.

I returned the escalation favor.

Has ANYONE ever seen a multi-day layoff? WTF are they thinking?! Best case, no one shows up today with violent motives after getting an invite last night to get downsized.

I'm spending my weekend reading "Node.js Design Patterns - 2nd Edition". Remember the good old days when a language was just language instead of a constantly moving target that wipes out any prior knowledge?

Waterfall Project Stages:
Requirements, Analysis, Design, Coding, Testing, Operations

When you promote project managers to program managers and tell them to switch to Agile, you get the Agilefall project stages:
Best guess, Timeline, User stories, Execution, Blame the devs when the project plan trends late.

I want to beat them with a copy of the PMBOK wrapped in lead.

The project I'm on has a hard deadline and we were told that we may need to start putting in extra hours. We already are, BTW. I've been working 12-14 hour days.

I was just "invited" to a mandatory meeting where management is going to improve our morale for an hour by cooking for us. Awesome.

This isn't a rant. This is a brag on my team.
I asked the team what exactly a feature did. They read me the test code.
I may get a little weepy. So proud.

When your agile program needs a Gantt chart. Gah!!!

From a junior developer, "who's responsible for making sure I understand the context of the feature when we're looking at the story? Are you going to drive that?"

Um no. YOU are responsible for understanding the information I've pointed you to on multiple occasions. I'm not your mother.

I hate infrastructure prima-donnas. "Prove the thing you haven't built yet won't use too many resources!"
Seriously, buddy, get a real job. Provisioning hardware is a software problem now. Help or get out of the way so we can deliver.

When management hire consultants to tell them the same thing you're telling them. It's just more meaningful because they paid more for the information.

Apparently, ranting IRL works. I've just been approached to see if I wanted a promotion to help drive CD.

When you have a BA who types things to prove that they do work, then you get to be the BA too. Good thing that architecture, test design, code quality, and sanity aren't really a priority.

Kraken rum is my favorite productivity hack.

When you're trying to optimize a process and a team members gets upset because "that's not the way we've done it before!"

No fuck. That's why we are fucking improving it.

A training exercise for people who won't push their code.

I'm a lead Dev on an agile team. We were just handed a fixed scope, fixed date project. On Monday, instead of helping push this out, I get to have a meeting to explain how throwing more bodies at it will slow us down.

"No! We are not code monkeys! Knowing JS and Java isn't the same as knowing our application. Stop fantasizing that it's a simple manpower issue and leave us alone so we can work these fucking nightmare timelines in peace!!"

I'm looking for a better way than that to explain it to the Sr management for the business so I don't get fired.

Told some Devs today, "I've given you information on how to start testing. Java is easy to test. I've explained why it's important. Now, if the next change you make isn't tested, that's a choice. If you make that choice, please consider other places of employment."

So tired of lazy.