10 PM (after a very busy working day), CTO calls me and tells me: "We decided to hand in the new version to [random client] one week earlier, so they can test it."
Me: "I don't think is a good idea, the app is still unstable, we started working in it yesterday, it *will* crash"
CTO: "Don't you worry, at least they know we are working on it"
20 minutes later
CTO: "WTF why did you make my app crash?! I can't send this to a client!"

Told you. That is why that code is on develop and not on master.

the first day of work of our HR intern, we happen to give her a desktop computer. after one full hour spent in front of a black screen, trying and typing on the keyboard, we asked her what was going on and she replied: "I'm just trying to switch it on, on my laptop there is a button". "Yes, here as well, the big red one in front of you". she now manages HR with the same expertise, though

When I implemented a supplier's library, I noticed my app froze every time I called that library. I then asked the suppliers if they were doing any heavy stuff on the main thread and they told me they weren't.

Luckily, they were "right", StrictMode told me they were only dumping a whole log file...

CEO of my company often walks in our office with a joke: "I can't hear you do bit & byte".
I still don't catch it.