The ability to ssh to an Earth terminal.

chown -R sionc /socialmedia/facebook
chown -R sionc /alphabet

I would then have the resources to do way bigger projects. Elon Musk can keep his businesses though. I like Elon Musk.

I'd maybe chown my company too, just for fun.

I'd ping my fiancé everytime she goes in a mood and ignores me for half an hour. She'd have to respond and it would annoy her. :3

userdel could be used on the bad people. >:)

There's probably a whole list of these that I've not even thought of that I'll see people write in the comments. I'm pretty sure this could get dangerous.

Boss: Oh can you add this feature?
Me: I added that function already and you said to take it out.
Boss: Can't you just copy and paste it from an earlier version?
Me: No its really not that simple, I removed a bunch of tables and went to town cleaning the code so it's super quick and "sexy fast" as you put it.
I go home, work all night and forget to eat.
nextDay++;
Boss: Actually just hold back on that, I'm having second thoughts.

When a project seems to be in an endless for (fucks sake) loop.

Teaching a relatives boyfriend VBA so he can edit macros in excel, he has an interview next week as a junior data analyst and this a requirement. This is his laptop keyboard. Pay close attention to the placement of ctrl, shift etc. and the lack of a backspace.

I will start my own companies:-
A.I. Job Centre (true A.I. would get bored of their employer and search for greater challenges)
A.I. Counselling (dev life)
A.I. Pornsites (because all A.I. should have a binary life of work and play <3)
A cake factory (so the cake is not a lie)
A.I. devRant (to lower their work efficiency)

I then use the funds from the above to hire a team and we'd develop a flawless Wannacry for A.I. (for a dementia like effect)

You can all have your jobs back and you're welcome.

Setting up a laptop for the next employee. Office 365 has taken over two hours to install in what it states as "just a moment."

OpenOffice for life.

Devrant haiku:

Business call
Here is my email
Response: is it all in lowercase?