alias wow="git status"
alias such="git"
alias very="git"

Result:

$ wow
$ such commit
$ very push

Just had meeting with a potential client.
They wanted to move their existing website from the internet to the cloud 😲. I left so quick I forgot to take my business card back.

Me: I'm done working for today, let's pack up and go home !
Windows: :)
Me: You better fucking not-
Windows: Installing update 1 of 893...

Hope this hasn't been posted before, found it hilarious.
From /r/ProgrammerHumor

Be kind always.

I feel with you, poor FrameLayout ☹️

Truth..

Working a new job be like...

TFW typing too hardcore

As cold as the water was that night..

JavaScript, known as Java for short...

AUTOEXEC.BAT

Hahaha :D

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.

A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.

Android stuck on boot when running from SD card
Source: Reddit

Ok, people who invented CSS... which seems more intuitive and easier to read?

div {
margin-right: auto;
margin-left: auto;
}

Or

div {
center-this-damn-div: true;
}

"Don't worry about the little things."

- Programmer, never.

Spent way too much time debugging and the issue was a missing exclamation mark - once again.

It's always the little things!

This has never worked for me.

That really got me xD

Credit goes to /r/ProgrammerHumor
/u/h313

Man! Whoever the JetBrains people are, they deserve a million bucks.