1. Buy boxes of orange juice, almost past their expiry date.
2. Put boxes on the hot office windowsill for a few weeks.
3. Cool down juice in fridge.
4. "Hey dear coworker, would you like a refreshing juice box on this hot spring day?"
5. Watch coworker retch and vomit, spitting blue-grayish juice over his desk, crying: "Why would you give me old moldy juice without checking the date?"
6. "Do you remember when you told me you didn't have time for unit tests? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, DAVE, THIS IS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS WHEN YOU DEPLOY UNTESTED CODE.... NOW FINISH YOUR JUICE!"

Guys, I am getting married in one hour 🎉

A classmate of mine had the task to align some content on a page to the center using CSS (using margins)
That classmate has no fucking clue because she pays no attention.

font:10px;

was the only thing she wrote into the text file that was projected onto the whiteboard.
The teachers asked: "What does font stand for?"
Her reply: "Uuuuuuh... Position?"

Kill. Me.

How to get funded in 21st century

CEO: we have an AR/VR/MR company that uses an AI that writes AI & we run on blockchain

What do they actually do: WordPress Bitch 🤣🤣🤣

Secretary of the IT department stated in a meeting that she was "overqualified to babysit a group of 40 grown-ass men who are unable to communicate with each other"

... all devs had a huge grin on their faces because we knew that she was absolutely right, management was furious 😂

She submitted her resignation on the same day, best secretary we've ever had!

*In Office
Coworker raises his head, looks at boss: "I'm leaving".

Boss raises head looks at coworker: "Ok".

All this took 5 seconds,..the weirdest 5 seconds of my life

A call I had today, girl registered a domain and put it in her hosting package:

Girl: so where can I view my email accounts?
Me: *explains*
G: Oh, I wanted an email address with info or my first name as part before the @ but I only see an account with the name of my hosting account username?
Me: that's right, that's a default one you get :)
G: oh 😞 I....I.... I've always have wanted a domain name with my own email addresses linked to it and I thought I could do that this way 😩
(I could hear the disappointment and that she seemed very sad suddenly)
Me: do you see that "create new email account" button up there?
G: Yes..... Wait.... Can I make like multiple email addresses myself?!
Me: as many as you can manage inside your hosting account!
G: 😵😍 OH MY GOD
Me: Haha, enjoy creating some!
G: THANK YOU I LOVE YOU BYE
*Click*

It's those moments which can make your fucking day!

"Chrome 66 arrives with autoplaying content blocked by default"

Fuck yeah! Fuck you CNET, Mashables and all the other retard companies that did that.

!rant
Arrived today 😍

Stickers have arrived! 😁😊

If that rant reaches 666 ++'s, I'm gonna cut a client's dick and sacrifice it to our Lord and Savior Satan.

"Work for me", client said, "I won't pay you but you will get some reputations for working with us" he added.

"Sorry, my body can't digest reputation", I replied.

At my previous job, the person in charge of the Phabricator server didn't have a backup system in place. I yelled at him until he implemented one.

He had the server perform backups to the same drive. I yelled at him again, to no avail.

Well, after awhile the hard drive started failing, and it would only boot intermittently. After a lot of effort, he was able to salvage part of the backup data, but no more, meaning we lost a lot of bug reports and feedback, and developer tickets. We were able recover all of the older lost tickets from a previous server, so overall the loss was pretty small.

But I think he learned his lesson.
He definitely learned to listen.

I’m excited! I start my new (and first ever!) job as a dev today. I hope I do well. I’m surprised I got hired too, as I don’t have much professional experience to my name, but this is my dream and there’s no way I’m going to fuck this up! Wish me luck!

Project Management Triangle

She said yes!❤️

Had my first 'mentor' moment at work today!

Newest guy couldn't figure something out and asked me, slightly nervously, for help.

Suddenly I went into mentorish state, explaining stuff I was doing while fixing it in under a minute!

Felt good 😃

Guy called in:

Guy: hello, i can't seem to login to the sql database, could you check if the ip whitelist went right? It's on the *names server* server.
Me: *checks if guy is calling from an authorized number* - nope.
Me: I'm sorry but you're not calling from an authorized number so I can't check that for you!
Guy: no you don't understand. I don't want any of this not-authorized bullshit, I just want a solution for this right now.
Me: and I just want you to call from an authorized number.

Yeah, I actually said that. He wasn't very happy 😅

I'm still employed by the way 🤣

I fixed it.

Well thank you Apple for this awesome 10.13.whatever update that got my MBP into a failed installation with no way to boot the os or revert the update without losing shit and a lot of time, arghhhh :/

Also: yay, first rant

Just got my first RedBubble shirt 😍

Everyday single day I have to give time for family, personal work and office. Prioritized in that order.

End result : low quality family time, pending personal projects. Office work - well that one is OK I guess cos the time is dedicated.

Solution : made a deal with wife - one day on weekend dedicated for family (she can plan anything she wants) and I will not do any work. Other day dedicated for my personal work/time (no family plans).
Divide weekdays similarly. On family days I checkout at sharp 4pm from office and come home straight spend the rest of the day with family alone. On the other days I stay either at office or go somewhere to work or hangout with dev buddies.
*Wife agrees*

End result: Quality family time. No interruption when coding (a dev would understand the importance of this). More productive work.

FULLSTACK DEVELOPER
- A buzzword that startup companies use when they can't hire a lot of people. Multitasking all the way sucker!

10 yrs for github, the best thing ever happened to a developer.

Wanna hear THE Worst Thing ever seen:

NOT EVEN A SINGLE SEMICOLON( ; ) IN
>200 lines of JAVA CODE.

*Blind Eyes*

Raise your hand if your ready for the GDPR on the 25th may.

Raise your glass if your getting shitfaced so you don't have to think about how many ways you're not.

12:55 AM, Subject gets and decides to look at crude oil chart.
1:05 AM, At it.
1:10 AM, Subject decides to check the temperature, using laptop screen in dark.
1:12 AM, Does a wild aerobic move to save flying laptop.
1:13 AM, Finds out that screen is gone.
1:23 AM, Orders new screen.
1:26 AM, Types this rant.

*senior designer*

Last year I had a meeting with the newly hired Senior Graphics Designer.

She was presenting the new design of the company's website with all the features she wants.

After a few minutes, I asked her, did you design it as a responsive website?

"What is that?" She said. I said that the website should display or have atleast a design for mobile view and desktop view.

And she replied, "is that a requirement?"

Talks to myself: how the hell we hire designers like this?

PS, she earns 4x my salary

just saw a production level code, all the fucking variables in the code are in capital letters🤪😵😵😵