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Aboutcode life!
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SkillsPHP, JAVA, C++, C, HTML, MySQL
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Github
Joined devRant on 5/20/2017
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buzzword translations:
"cloud" -> someones computer
"big data" -> lots of somewhat irrelevant data
"ai" -> if if if if if if if if if if if if if else
"algorithm" -> something that works but you don't know why
"secure" -> https://
"cyber security" -> kali linux + black hoodie
"innovation" -> adding something completely irrelevant such as making a poop emoji talk
"blockchain" -> we make lots of backups
"privacy" -> we store your data, we just don't tell you about it40 -
So I wanted to send an email to Microsoft to request a feature in their new "To-Do" app.
I went to the play store and scrolled down to the end where it says "Send an email to developer".
Clicked on that. And here is the email address:
"noreply@microsoft.com"
😑 😑13 -
Now that I passed 5k, I think it's time to thank this awesome community.
Literally all of you people are absolutely awesome. I have nobody to talk to about programming stuff in RL, but you really got me back on track. I lost motivation, but this network is...different. It's inspiring.
I learned a multitude of languages and strengthend my skills. So many people are awesome here, I cannot listen them all.
I just want to say...Thank you.6 -
I hired a woman for senior quality assurance two weeks ago. Impressive resume, great interview, but I was met with some pseudo-sexist puzzled looks in the dev team.
Meeting today. Boss: "Why is the database cluster not working properly?"
Team devs: "We've tried diagnosing the problem, but we can't really find it. It keeps being under high load."
New QA: "It might have something to do with the way you developers write queries".
She pulls up a bunch of code examples with dozens of joins and orderings on unindexed columns, explains that you shouldn't call queries from within looping constructs, that it's smart to limit the data with constraints and aggregations, hints at where to actually place indexes, how not to drag the whole DB to the frontend and process it in VueJS, etc...
New QA: "I've already put the tasks for refactoring the queries in Asana"
I'm grinning, because finally... finally I'm not alone in my crusade anymore.
Boss: "Yeah but that's just that code quality nonsense Bittersweet always keeps nagging about. Why is the database not working? Can't we just add more thingies to the cluster? That would be easier than rewriting the code, right?"
Dev team: "Yes... yes. We could try a few more of these aws rds db.m4.10xlarge thingies. That will solve it."
QA looks pissed off, stands up: "No. These queries... they touch the database in so many places, and so violently, that it has to go to therapy. That's why it's down. It just can't take the abuse anymore. You could add more little brothers and sisters to the equation, but damn that would be cruel right? Not to mention that therapy isn't exactly cheap!"
Dev team looks annoyed at me. My boss looks even more annoyed at me. "You hired this one?"
I keep grinning, and I nod.
"I might have offered her a permanent contract"45 -
Phone in my cubicle goes straight to voicemail when someone calls. Boss wants me to get it fixed so clients and he can reach me.
Yeah, I'll get right on that. 👌2 -
My wife asked me to give her some cash.
I asked how many bytes!
I'm staring at divorce papers now.8 -
Hi, guys. My first rant here. Can anyone please tell me where I can get the devDuck? It looks so cute.10
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Im at TechDays 2017
Its mostly about microsoft.
All the microsoft speakers use a macbook.
The only non microsoft speaker I saw used a microsoft tablet and had issues.6 -
Me: *Working intently on project*
Gf: "Why are you just googling stuff & copying"
WELCOME TO PROGRAMMING 10111 -
I recently met a young fella (14yo) playing League of Legends. He asked:
- What do you do for a living?
- I'm a programmer, do you know anything about programming?
- I don't, actually.
Apparently he was playing from a LAN Gaming center 'cause he didn't have a computer at home (his computer had broken and these Lan centers are pretty affordable).
I figured I could explain to him what was it and what super powers you could get from it. Turns out I recommended a JS course in codecademy and now he goes to the LAN center every day to study programming (he got really into it!).
Now he always pings me with questions about JS and apparently he's learning a ton! He had almost no English skills too (we're Brazilian), and because most of the material in the internet is in English he found himself some free English courses and he's now taking them!
Knowledge is free on the internet and I guess he's just realized that.
Not exactly a rant guys, just figured it was a nice story to tell :)
#TeachAKidHowToCode57 -
After my previous PC bursting into flames when I changed my input voltage to 120v on the power supply my dad never bought me one again this happened when I was aged 12. I was so much in love with computers that I would visit my friends who had ones at home and not leave till their moms asks me to. I remember collecting my lunch money and buying a Pentium 4 mb for dog cheap at a local store and as soon as I plugged in the mb short-circuited and died (I had the other parts as I was scavenging the junk yard for them). I'll never forget the moment I burst into tears seeing my hopes for a PC dieing. So after all the years passing when I was 16 I spent my whole summer vacation working in a construction site doing so much heavy work. There were days that my body couldn't bear and I just fell but somehow by the end of that summer I managed to collect enough money to assemble this 3rd gen dual-core. This is my baby. I'm using it till this date.
**Sorry about the bad English15 -
My fellow coworker's commit history of last 24 hours. And my boss was surprised when I told him I'm leaving the company..17
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I usually have a pen and notebook at my table while coding, to scribble while I'm figuring out stuff. Anyone else does this?14
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Dear Programming Languages,
if you only support weakly typed constructs, I wish you a special place in hell.
Dear Fellow Developers,
if you use a language that allows strong typing with weak typing, the next time we will meet after I have to fix a shitty bug due to that I will play piano on your teeth, and a melody you won't like.
And yes, that means PHP as well. PHP allows for strict types since php7.
So. Just. Fucking. Use. It.
There are no excuses!
I don't care if you don't see the benefit or find it "annoying" and tedious to write it out. Use a decent editor and it will be mostly code-completion anyway.
I just don't want to fix your fuckups. And if your fuckup is due to a typing issue that "slipped" by, you are part of the problem.
If you write software, it should be clear what type each and every variable or object has.
There are no excuses but your laziness.
If you want to be ambiguous, try poetry.23 -
I have to let it out. It's been brewing for years now.
Why does MySQL still exist?
Really, WHY?!
It was lousy as hell 8 years ago, and since then it hasn't changed one bit. Why do people use it?
First off, it doesn't conform to standards, allowing you to aggregate without explicitly grouping, in which case you get god knows what type of shit in there, and then everybody asks why the numbers are so weird.
Second... it's $(CURRENT_YEAR) for fucks sake! This is the time of large data sets and complex requirements from those data sets. Just an hour through SO will show you dozens of poor people trying to do with MySQL what MySQL just can't do because it's stupid.
Recursion? 4 lines in any other large RDBMS, and tough luck in MySQL. So what next? Are you supposed to use Lemograph alongside MySQL just because you don't know that PostgreSQL is free and super fast?
Window functions to mix rows and do neat stuff? Naaah, who the hell needs that, right? Who needs to find the products ordered by the customer with the biggest order anyway? Oh you need that actually? Well you should write 3-4 queries, nest them in an incredibly fucked up way, summon a demon and feed it the first menstrual blood of your virgin daughter.
There used to be some excuses in the past "but but but, shared hosting only has MySQL". Which was wrong by the way. This was true only for big hosting names, and for people who didn't bother searching for alternatives. And now it's even better, since VPS and PaaS solutions are now available at prices lower than shared hosting, which give you better speed, performance and stability than shared hosting ever did.
"But but but Wordpress uses MySQL" - well then kill it! There are other platforms out there, that aren't just outrageously horrible on the inside and outside. Wordpress is crap, and work on it pays crap. Learn Laravel, Symfony, Zend, or even Drupal. You'll be able to create much more value than those shitty Wordpress sites that nobody ever visits or pay money on.
"But but but my client wants some static pages presented beside their online shop" - so why use Wordpress then? Static pages are static pages. Whip up a basic MVC set-up in literally any framework out there, avoid MySQL, include a basic ACL package for that framework, create a controller where you add a CKEditor to edit page content, and stick a nice template from themeforest for that page and be done with that shit! Save the mock-up for later use if you do that stuff often. Or if you're lazy to even do that, then take up Drupal.
But sure, this is going a bit over the scope. I actually don't care where you insert content for your few pages. It can be a JSON file for all I care. But if I catch you doing an e-commerce solution, or anything else than just text storage, on MySQL, I'll literally start re-assessing your ability to think rationally.11 -
So apparently I am not a programmer because I turn tea into software. :(
Anyone else feeling discriminated by this definition? :D11 -
I hate it when I ask the customer where did they test it or where the error is.. On test or on production? And the answer is yes. O.o2
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Every fkn 3 to 4 days, some random dev shows up in my office really really fkn confused and frustrated about something he doesn't understand - because I have a dark secret.
Sometime, in cold lonely nights, when no one is watching, I write my documentation before the actual code.
Somehow, sometimes documentation without code attached to it makes it to production.
Today someone yelled at me for wasting his time because he wasted 3 hours trying to find the code the documentation belongs to - and demented I stop the practice from now on.
Agh.13 -
Just a joke I found online:
One day I was facing some issue with Outlook and I raised a ticket to get it resolved. I got a call from the Service Desk lady after some time and it went this way:
Lady: Hi I'm calling from service desk, what is the problem?
Me: (I explained the problem).
Lady: Can you please share your screen and give me the control so that I can solve the issue?
Me: (I shared the screen and gave the control. She solved it!!)
Lady: You may close the ticket from your end, the issue is solved.
Me: Thank you very much, I will close the ticket.
I opened her profile in lync and had a look at her profile. The display pic looked small in size. I instantly messaged her Employee ID to my colleague and asked him to have a look at her. He replied "She looks good in some angles".
I tried searching her FB profile with the help of her name, but there were too many results.
I started searching on Linked In instead, I found her profile this time. I was trying to enlarge the profile pic and suddenly a message popped up - it says
"I'll share my better picture with you on your outlook ID but you may please stop sharing your screen??"
😂8 -
An incident which made a Security Researcher cry
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I was working on my laptop finishing up my code while waiting for the flight which was late . Meanwhile two guys (I'm gonna call them Fellas) in black suit and shades came to me
Fella : Sir you have to come with us .
Me : *goes along with them*
Fella : Sir please proceed *points towards the door . The room has a round table with some guys discussing something *
Fella 1 : Your passport please
Me : *Hands over the passport*
Fella 1 : Where are you traveling to sir?
Me : India
Fella 1 : Put your laptop in the desk sir.
Me : Sure thing
Fella 2 : What were you doing there? *Taps the power button*
Me : Just finishing up my work .
Fella 1 : Or hacking our systems?
Me : Seriously?
Fella 2 : The password please .
Me : Here you go
*5 minutes have passed and he still can't figure out how to use the machine*
Fella 2 : Which Windows is this?
Me : It's Linux
Fella 1 : So you are a hacker .
Me : Nope
Fella 1 : You are using Linux
Me : Does it matters?
Fella 1 : Where do you work?
Me : *I won't mention here but I told him*
Fella 2 : So what do you do there?
Me : I'm a Security Researcher
Fella 1 : What's your work?
Me : I find security holes in their systems .
Fella 1 : That means you are a hacker .
Me : Not at all .
Fella 2 : But they do the same and they use Linux .
Me : You can call me one .
*After 15 minutes of doo-laa-baa-dee-doo-ra-ba-doo amongst them I dunno what they were talking , they shutdown the computer and handed over it to me*
Fella 2 - So you are somewhat like a hacker .
Me - *A bit frustrated* Yes.
##And now the glorious question appeared like an angel from river ##
Can you hack Facebook?
Me - 😭😭😭28 -
As a kid when I was coding I used building blocks and I used some yesterday for Lego robotics at a science center and I felt really dumb because over 2 years since I was 10 I used actual code like typing it and it feels much better than blocks and just over all building blocks just make me feel so stupid😵2