So what do you call it when you get bombarded by emails saying your servers are at 100% CPU, but once you fire up the monitoring tools everything is back to normal?

FUCK YOU AMAZON IT'S MY DAY OFF.

So it's 2020 and still no native RTL support in 'modern' text editors or 'modern' web frameworks/libraries.

I'm looking at you sublime text and bootstrap.

Microsoft: we're releasing chromium based edge on 15th of Jan 2020

Government tax website: this website works only on Internet Explorer

Please god put me out of my misery

Qa: do you think this looks like the provided designs?

Me: yes I do...?

Qa: well it doesn't, please check

Me: well I hate playing find the difference, how about you fucking tell me what exactly is wrong?

I just created the best bug of my career yet.

Logged out the user from frontend, but forgot to log him out of the backend.

Struggles of the modern fullstack dev I guess.

Title: Google can track your porn history, even in incognito mode

Body(tl;dr version): Pornsites use Google Analytics

You little idiotic motherfucking tech savvy wannabe, most of the websites use some form of user tracking services.

Hell, even the blog/news website you work for probably does.

I just deleted 3.5TB of junk data from S3, effectively saving my company about 88 dollars.

I feel so fucking good.

Think I'm going to ask for a raise😂

What seemed like a simple task of upgrading our angular project and adding universal to it, is slowly beginning to feel like an impossible mission.

Fuck you npm, fuck windows and fuck whoever thinks javascript/typescript can be used for every god damn thing.

I fucking give up

Me vs Facebook support

Me: I'm having trouble with xyz even though I followed your instructions. You have problems with the Arabic language*insert very detailed and professional explanation here with links*

FB Support: please follow the instructions here *insert link*

Me: I already followed those, that's why I'm asking for your help. Please provide detailed instructions.

FB Support: We can't help you, we don't provide detailed instructions, please follow instructions provided in said links.

Why the fuck are you called support then huh? I can read the damn documentation.. Hell I get paid for reading the motherfucking documentation!!

Refactoring/cleaning old code.. Found this gem:

$hour = substr($obj->hour, 0, - 3);

Turns out, hour was saved in the database as a TIME field(DATE was saved in another column) , and the previous genius dev was trying to output time in a H:i format...

No wonder php has such a bad reputation...

!rant

A wild "Using this website in incognito mode requires a paid subscription" blocking div appears

Normal people: okay... *proceeds to exit incognito mode*

Developers: huh.. Bitch please.. *inspect element, hide blocking div. Select html tag, remove "overflow: hidden". Profit*

Why would anyone want to block surfing incognito anyway? They should be encouraging it actually..

PS:, While writing this, wondering if content for subscribed users is also locked this way.. Now that would be hilarious.

Oh for fucks sake, I only agreed to fix one fucking problem in your shit hole of a wordpress hell, not everything your sorry excuse of a "wordpress expert" fucked up.

We need time travel asap!

That moment you realise you fucked up, but don't have the courage to tell your team leader that you fucked up.. Especially when you're atleast 30% into a project.

Just remembered that I forgot to push all day's work..
Now my scumbag brain is going to keep me awake all night thinking about all the shit that can go wrong...
Great

I honestly have no problems with UI designers, I really don't and actually respect the work they do..

But god dammit, those fucktards should try designing the UI with actual code rather than photoshop or whatever they use these days..

When I switched jobs from a slow-paced media company, to a fast-paced startup and learned what my team leader can accomplish in a day, would take me atleast 3 days... Not to mention doing things I wouldn't dream of thinking about them.

This experience has made me doubt my very own existence, let alone skills.

Was feeling over-confident one day, wrote a delete query and pushed to production without double checking it.

Turns out the where clause always returned true and deleted all rows in the production table.

Mind you, from that day onwards I'm using update queries instead of delete..

Me: let's focus on this aws developer - associate course and learn something new..

My Brain: hey look, Prince Harry just got engaged.. Let's read all about UK's monarchy!!!

!tech && !dev

In the space of one motherfucking month, I got more speeding tickets than the average driver will get in the span of his life..

Fuck this corrupt country, fuck it's outdated driving laws and fuck whoever invented the fucking radar.

Definition of Irony:

When your css works in IE but not in Firefox.

Fuck this shit, I'm out.

Read the documents for syntax and general practices, then find a tutorial(youtube) and dive right into the mud.

So last year I sent my PC to get a motherboard replacement, as I couldn't be arsed replacing it or even research what motherboard I should get(was dealing with more urgent personal matters).

Anyway, I get it back and everything works good but not the front USB port.. I always found it weird, but also didn't bother to open the case and double check, so I let it go and assumed, since the motherboard was fried, that the USB wires were faulty.

Time passes by and I decide to open the case for annual cleaning job... Turns out the motherfucker didn't connect the port, why?? Fucks knows why... Obviously the wires were "short" and he didn't even try to pull it out further!!! You little piece of shit,for a full year I've been living with a missing usb port, the fucking front facing mother fucking usb port. Fuck.

Moral of story? Don't be a lazy ass and fix your shit on your own!

I just failed assembly (asm8068) course for the 2nd time.
I feel devastated because it will delay my diploma.

Fuck assembly, and fuck schools who still make it a required course.

!rant

For the first time since I started work I used a matrix to find a formula.. Albeit it was for jquery.

Those hours and headaches spent studying math are paying off. Feeling a bit proud...

Why the fuck should I echo javascript?
Why in fucks name you do not deal with JSON responses?

Plugin devs are either lazy, or simply stupid as fuck!

Ps: Or I'm actually crazy

Recently wrote a script that would check 2 years worth of images, crop them, and resize to different sizes as changes to front end required those.

Eventually the script went into an infinite loop and crashed the whole CMS.
The worst part was that my manager was on a date and I had to call him back into office, since his laptop was still at the office.

The actual problem wasn't the loop.. I forgot to check if file actually exists before cropping... Error log size was 10gb!

So... I decided to refactor some of my old code that I wrote exactly 11 months ago, which was one month after starting work..

My first reaction was: "Was I so stupid?"

Second reaction: "why the fuck my supposed 'mentor' allowed me to write this bullshit?"

It's actually funny, as I shared equal passion for the English language and technology( how and why things things worked), with software engineering being the preferred choice.

I started studying practical software engineering, which basically only teaches the fundamentals of a select languages, like C, C#, JAVA, PHP and SQL. Had to teach myself PHP and MVC development for my end project.. So I turned to google and youtube. Great experience so far :)

PS: sometimes I wish I studied English instead!

Me: Alright, new week, back from vacation fully rested and focused, lets get productive.

Apple(safari 10.3 update): Fuck you.

Basically the change log was:
*fixed critical security bug.
*added more bugs to fix later.

Well fuck you too safari... You disgust me.

The least the fucking imbeciles, or monkeys, behind safari can do is add a fucking css prefix. For fucks sake.

When your manager casually mentions that you're(me) going to learn developing apps for iOS, when you obviously have a built in hate for Apple.

You just sit there thinking about how the fuck the situation escalated unexpectedly quick.