assume no one updates README

spend an entire day fighting a config issue

OR

first check README

pfff sshhhfd fgherhre brrrrrrrrrrrr
- Sorry, bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrr, guys. I'm in the car. I just wanted to ask a totally useless question so you know brrrrrrrrrrrrrr that I'mmmm good at multitaskinggggg

me: proudly opens PR "fix random failing tests"

jenkins: Tests run: 1367, Failures: 1

100+ attendants in the meeting
1 single speaker

random guy every 5 minutes: sorry guys have to drop off

WHO THE FUCK CARES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pm: next week you have to talk in front of 20 interns

me: oh, sh*t I better get prepared. Googling "principles of OOP"

story of my life:

DO NOT MERGE

merged

me: I hate integration tests

also me: where are integration tests on this project?!

google services down
saved me from a meeting

don't forget to change your password before going on holiday

company started a "well-being" program which basically narrows down to emails and messages

me: *opens a WIP PR*

random dev: please, add UT

What kind of projects are mostly affected by the pandemic?

I believe there must be massive layoffs in travel related projects. Or I'm wrong and it's business as usual (IT part)?

to production

dev1: where are all scrum masters?

dev2: WFH

dev1: can I do that?

dev2: yeah, but you need their approval first

dev: my environment is really slow.

PM: We know, we are looking into it.

...

PM: I've heard your story is at risk. How can I help you?

going home

stackoverflow these days

Dear Santa,

Next year I'd like less morons who do overtime for free.

dev1: have you finished the task?

dev2: yep

dev1: why don't you open a PR?

dev2: I'll open one at 17:59. I want to sleep this night

- Two months ago I joined this company and did literally nothing ever since. For that I would like to thank my line manager and his entire branch for being an amazingly incompetent colleagues, and for mumbling "that's how the client works" every time I raised the same damn problem. Also, let's not forget my HR manager and interviewer, who apparently have no connection whatsoever with real situation of company's projects. And last but not least this remarkably hierarchical workplace where you can't throw a rock without hitting a cocksure higher-up.
Y'all fucks deserve some serious brain readjustment.

- Guys, today the security auditors are coming, don't forget to remove your sticky notes with passwords. And for God's sake wear the badges for a least a day!

thanks a lot!

me: I don't have access to X project

PM: you don't have access to X project?

me: no, I don't have access to X project

PM: don't worry I'll take care of that

2 min. later

PM: so, you were saying ... ?

me: that I don't have access to X project

1 month later

me: I don't have access to X project

PM: you don't have access to X project?

so today at supermarket I was asked if my credit card has wifi ... apparently she meant if it's contactless

this is Brian
Brian is a Java architect
be like Brian

when there are no task left in sprint

PM: what are you working on?
me: my stackoverflow reputation

ducker start rhea1
focker start rhea1

I guess it's time to go home ...

when I already deployed the feature, but QA and product owner just started to talk about acceptance criteria

sure, let's make a release just for System.out.println because we don't know about loggers

if you feel lonely now you can play games with Google assistant :/