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Joined devRant on 6/9/2016
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Interviewer: Hello I’m calling for your phone interview now
Dev: You’re about an hour early calling but I can accommodate
Interviewer: Well it’s more convenient for me to do it now
Dev: …Alrighty then.
Interviewer: So I am from HR 😇*pause for effect*
Dev: …
Interviewer: Um, typically candidates start the interview by thanking me for consideration for this role.
Dev: Your job description was very vague so I don’t really know what I would be thanking you for.
Interviewer: 😡. It’s me that’ll be determining whether or not to pass you on to The Management.
Dev: …The Management?
Interviewer: Yes 🤗.
Dev: I’m no longer interested *click*.13 -
We aren't allowed to boil water BOIL WATER
"We have to get Climate Neutral until we decided for a plan the kitchen is closed"
FUCK YOU I JUST WANT TO ENJOY MY COFFEE WHICH I CAN'T DRINK IN MY OFFICE ANYMORE BECAUSE OF SAME BULLSHIT
I get it we have to become climate neutral but holy fuck this can't be part of the solution to not use the kitchen anymore....50 -
PM (on slack): "we’re about to deploy to production".
Me: "ok"
… I keep on working on a task / remain available for any post deployment issues …
PM (5 minutes later on slack): "deployment broke production! We need to handle this NOW!"
My dev colleague has already called it a day, but I’m still online
Me: "ok I don’t have access to prod, can you describe what’s going on? I can’t reproduce on any other environment"
PM: …
10 minutes go by
Me: "anybody there?"
PM: …
45 minutes later, I realize PM is offline
The following day:
PM: "ok we got prod running again" (turns out it was client’s fault for not updating a config we as devs can’t access)
PM: "but we’re REALLY UPSET! You guys need to be available to intervene for any issues following deployment to production! At least one of you should be available!"
Me: "but, but…" 🫠14 -
Just got an E-Mail about a small Chrome extension I made. They want me to add a Bing search button lol. What would I get in return?
Quote:
> you could earn $0.65 per month, and we don't want you to miss out on such an opportunity
What an opportunity indeed.7 -
Dev: * In the middle of pushing to prod *
Manager: Hey btw I forgot to mention the client asked for these 5 features awhile back as a part of this update and they just reminded me about them, I haven’t created tickets yet or told anyone about this. Will these features be included in the update that’s going out today?
Dev: …9 -
I was so annoyed by my acne over the past few years that today I went and got the entire area of my facial skin blasted with laser. Now, a several microns thin veneer, containing all that ugly pore openings, is removed.
Isotretinoin, benzoylperoxid, all failed. But I'm not afraid of trying newer methods. Now, serums will be used to grow new skin differently than it might have grown back on its own.
When it grows back, another laser will be used to destroy sebaceous glands. Blackheads and bumps will be physically impossible. A new skin. Even. Glowing. Artificial. Absolutely flawless, absolutely perfect. What a nice reflection of my vision on every thing I make.
When god was sitting in its room, chewing on a donut and designing the world we live in, he never thought much of humans. He got bored and went for a smoke with other gods of other worlds. Little did he know, there was a knock on his door, and a consequential rush of anxiety in realization that it was no fellow god friend, but a human. A human of the generation that figured out Theory of Everything, CRISPR and immortality. Desperate, dirty apes dared to trick silicon sand into thinking, and now they're there, not to talk, but to kill him, a privileged astral plane kid who fell short of those apes who figured everything out on their own.
Disease is natural. Death is natural.
Eternal things are artificial.6 -
Type letter "w" in wife's browser
"What is the ratio of open to closed doors in the world right now?"
"Why doesn't my baby molt her skin all at once while she grows?"
"Will Python help me to make a robot friend for my toddler daughter"
"Where do I buy tensors for building robot brains"
"Why don't we solve aging population and climate change by not vaccinating boomers"
Me: ... "Seriously, why can't you just watch hardcore porn, like a normal person"25 -
*Romantic candlelit dinner*
GF: "What are you thinking about, my love?"
Me: "The chocolate custard always seems to behave differently under stress than vanilla. It has a lower base viscosity, but a similar shear thickening. I was wondering whether anyone has ever made a database of all custard brands and flavors together with their viscosities"
My brain: *Oh fuck, that's not what I'm supposed to say during a romantic dinner*
GF: "Do you wanna check whether we can find a cheap second hand viscometer.... wait.... no.... you'd need a rheometer for that, right? Do you think we could build one ourselves?"
Me: *blinks in awe*
Even after 15 years, I'm still just puzzled, she really fucking is my soulmate22 -
Algorithm online tech tests need to get in the fucking bin.
Fuck Codility, fuck Testdome, fuck HackerRank.
This is not how you test developers!6 -
Had to wake four people up at 2 am to fix a crashing service.
10/10 would deploy to production on Friday night again.24 -
Since Microsoft is racist and is trying to remove the "master" term on GitHub to "fix the World" I hope they won't forget about the "master" volume in the audio settings of Windows.12
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My most awkward recruiter interaction?
Just graduated college and got 'suckered' by an programming position ad that turned out to be a recruiting company. It was fine since they charge the company for their services and not me.
After a couple of weeks of waiting (they initially promised I would/could have at least 3 interviews a week, which hadn't happened.) I decided to start looking again on my own, found a position, and I was hired.
About two months later I get a phone call:
<skipping the pleasantries>
R: "I see you are working for D, congratulations. I've started the paperwork for our reimbursement."
Me: "Reimburse for what? I found that job on my own."
R: "D is one of the companies we work with and when we submitted your resume, they told us you were already hired."
Me: "And?"
R: "And you signed a contract and now its time to pay. The fees only start at $500"
Me: "Not me. I have the contract, it states, in the second paragraph, I am not responsible for any hiring fees."
<couple of seconds of silence>
R: "Yes, but that is only if we negotiated the contact. Since you went behind our back, we couldn't start the process"
Me: "And?"
R: "And its a breach of contract."
Me: "I'm not a lawyer, I don't understand what you're saying. It says right here on the contract I signed, I don't pay any fees. No where does it say I'm not allowed to look for a job on my own. Right?"
R: "Um..yea..right..right...but you were hired by one of our contracted companies."
Me: "No way I would have known that. Maybe you should have set up an interview long before now."
<R is getting pretty angry at this point>
R: "I'm sure we gave you list of companies we work with. Contacting those companies is a breach of contract. Unless you want our lawyers to get involved, the fee is only $500. Failing to honor your side of the agreement and we'll be forced to contact your employer and begin garnishing your wage until the fee is paid. You don't want that, do you?"
Me: "There was no list and I am allowed to find a job on my own. Again, I'm not responsible for you not setting up an interview so do whatever you think you can do. Have a good night"
<I hang up>
About a week later..
Boss: "Got a phone call from XYZ Recruiting requesting a wage garnishment. Do you know anything about that?"
<I explain the situation>
Boss: "Oh good grief. We've worked with them a couple of times and we contact them on an individual basis for new hires. You're fine"
Me: "You're not going to garnish my paycheck?"
Boss: "No no no, that's not how this works. He was probably trying to scare you into paying their crazy fees."
Me: "What if they get their lawyers involved? I don't want to cause any trouble"
Boss: "Ha ha...XYZ Recruiting is a couple of guys in an office and we have lawyers on the 3rd floor who eat and breath this shit. They know that and you won't hearing from them again."5 -
From Bauhaus to Jessica Walsh, all the previous design experience and vision of the entire civilization lead to this.
This monstrosity is apple’s new battery icon in Big Sur.
I’m speechless.16 -
I feel like a piece of shit because I don't want to help my "friend" who has been faking being a web developer for years. He now has a real project he must develop that actually requires writing code (It's a serious project that requires real Javascript skills) and he's basically fucked.
He usually would hop on the web and download a template, edit it and get paid. But then again I don't want to help him because he always comes to me and I do all the work and save his ass while he does nothing.
I'm in a rock and a hard place right now because I'm also a dev and I actually have a lot of work to do, unlike his lazy ass.5 -
When your Boss openly refers to projects as Micro-sites to the client, devaluing the scope of work, and being completely unaware of the actual scope of work, which is essentially a twitch platform, to be built on wordpress, with integration to Power Point Dock, and a live chat queue5
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- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..11 -
Support Team Member opened a ticket.
> This customer's image isn't loading.
Load image, it's white and transparent on a white page.