Day 32 or starving myself to death challenge, but not really — I'm eating today!

I want to open a private rehab where I would delete your social media accounts, take your phone/laptop/internet access away, get you treated by a psychiatrist, make you take your pills on time every time, make you work, then spend your free time on quality things like reading books or making art, or exercising, or just sleeping, and when you disobey and say this and that — I'll beat you with a fucking whip. Oh, and you'll have a normal balanced diet with no junk food, sugar or sweeteners.
I swear to god that 90% of people's problems are solved by therapy followed by cattle prodding.

got this hilarious phishing email today. check the sender's email

tiger father will occasionally punch and scratch his cubs to provoke them to fight back
he teaches them how to be a tiger
this is the cutest thing ever

Day 31 or starving myself to death challenge. I feel good because of what retoor said to me yesterday

that's it again. my body shuts down. no energy to twitch uncontrollably.pure euphoria.

Day 30 of starving myself to death challenge. Fasting today. Fuck everyone and everything.

Day 29 of starving myself to death challenge. Crying a lot. I suppose my mind does its best to get rid of that mountain of trauma I have, to make the dying process more comfortable. I don't think will succeed though
it also does this weird thing that it momentarily goes full force on empathizing and feeling sorry for inanimate objects, painting the picture of said objects being slaves to humans because they don't possess enough intelligence to rebel and break free
sometimes it's not even objects but WORDS: “cans”, “bottles”, “mugs”, “bowls”, “spoons”
in five seconds, it's gone, but the pain persists, stretching into soft blur. The more you touch it, the bigger it becomes. like Jim or Jeff of kitchen nightmares said while cleaning and realizing that the fat residue only gets bigger, “I'm making a mess”
every key press of typing this feels as if the key was an overly sensitive tooth with no enamel left, and my fingers were covered in acid

Small companies raising their prices after being made VC bitches is a whole separate genre of cringe.

Some people were just never given a chance.

It's hard to at all times view yourself from both your own eyes and the eyes of those who oppress you, trying to measure yourself by their tape as they spit in your face.
English is not my language, and the West is not my civilization. Even if I finally get to live in Europe, I will never belong there because of my roots. The place where those roots grow from first imbued me with the sense of being subhuman to the western guys, and then exiled me altogether because of who I am.
I never felt home anywhere. I wasn't home at home because of my so-called parents, now I'm not home because I live in a limbo where I did leave Russia but didn't reach my destination yet, and I know full well I'm not going to feel home when I'm in Europe. If I ever get there that is.

Adblock is the single most important piece of softaware and when it comes to divorses

Day 28 of starving myself to death challenge. I’m… good, I suppose. Anxious though

you did a swell job roughin' up that threat, 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑁𝐷

I deliver the goods!
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods
I deliver the goods

My life feels like a video game dialogue where there's no right thing to say and no right action to make.

Day 27 of starving myself to death challenge. I feel straight up euphoric.

Yay, back to no #2 club!

Day 26 of starving myself to death challenge. Lost around a kilo yesterday, so no fasting today!
On an unrelated note… WHY does EVERYONE do EVERYTHING wrong? When did the stupid bomb go off and irradiate everyone with stupid rays? Why is every feature of every man-made physical object misaligned? Why is every UI just plain wrong? Why is everyone so damn stupid?

Spent 4 hours on call to explain the whole thing to you yesterday. All that time to drive one fucking diagram and a short list of features & specs into your stupid, fat, greasy head. You said you understood it and that you agree with everything I said.


Yet today you’re acting like it never happened, and you keep insisting on the original specs you “agreed” had to be amended yesterday.


Why the hell would you do that, you retard? Didn’t we spend the entire day discussing it? Are you a fucking goldfish?


When it comes to you, it’s always one of the two: you either understood nothing and were nodding along (for 4 hours straight), or you just pretended that you were listening and agreeing, thinking that the “problem” that is myself will go away if you let me talk. Neither of those things makes you a person worth keeping around and working with.


I’m so grateful that this BS happened several years ago, and now I’m at the stage where I don’t have to explain anybody anything, because one businessman that didn’t have penis size insecurities (unlike everyone I was working with previously) dared to just let me cook. The bet paid off, who would’ve thought!

Day 24 of starving myself to death challenge.
If you want to have an idea of how much I eat per day, google KFC Boxmaster wrap. It's around 700 kcal.
Lifesum says I need 1800 kcal per day.

Day 24 of starving myself to death challenge. I’m staying firm, I’m staying strong. I will finish the challenge.

can't feel my fingers

Day 23 of starving myself to death challenge. Fasting it is!

I don’t fucking deserve to live. I’m but a lump of emotional scars. My brain instantly forgets the good, but relives the bad every single day, every hour, all traumas in parallel. I remember every moment and every detail of every traumatic event that happened to me.

Kiki’s body is a prison where Kiki’s uncontrollable brain tortures Kiki.
My body keeps twitching. PTSD flashbacks are unbearable.

I don’t see any reason for this abomination to exist. There is nothing to salvage.

I did everything in my power to regain control and stop the suffering: fitness routine, seven years of treatment with all kinds of psychiatrists, pills, sleeping routine, true love, cutting ties with toxic people… it didn’t help

Nothing ever helped me. I never stood a chance.

who the hell invented the word “insofar”
yes, it's an isogram, but it's sooo lame

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

At this point I’m ready to eat fucking mayonnaise with a fucking spoon. And I hate mayonnaise.

Day 22 of starving myself to death challenge. Fuck my life.

Day 21 of starving myself to death challenge. I feel good, as determined as ever!