Dev: Hey our current server is starting to chug a bit. Can I get approved for $1200 additional spend to double the speed?

Manager: *Sharp inhale*. We need this project to cost as little as possible, we really can’t justify spending any additional money for any reason right now.

*2 days later*

Manager: YOU ARE APPROVED FOR $100,000 TO IMMEDIATELY IMPLEMENT SOMETHING RELATED TO NFTs IN ANY OF OUR APPS. THE BUSINESS NEEDS TO EXPAND INTO THE METAVERSE ASAP IMMEDIATELY. I NEED AN ETA BY EOD AS TO WHEN THIS CAN BE ROLLED OUT.

Dev: …

Recently i had to interview a guy with 10 years of frontend experience for a react developer role

Me : Do you know what ecmascript is ?
Him : Yes
Me : Which version would you prefer to use and why ?
Him : I dont use it. I am more comfortable with JavaScript.
Me : (totally confused) 😶
Him : (trying to be oversmart) I know you young guys prefer to use these fancy frameworks because you dont know how powerful raw javascript is.
Me : (Trying hard to not "react") Ok.

How would you "react" to this ?

Guys, a "standup" is in the name. The idea is it's a meeting that's quick enough you don't need to sit down.

A 3 hour standup is, in no way shape or form a standup. It's just another pointless meeting that I'll keep on in the background while I pay zero attention.

"Hey can you add (feature) on this backend"

> Looks at backend

> api.py

> 4K+ Lines

uhhh... is it me or our entire production is held by this single Python backend....?

This thing is running our hypervisor platform... Our IaaS platform... and it's one file....

WHAT THE FUCK

Sure sex is cool but have you ever deleted Microsoft Teams from your phone?

Co-worker presented her work by sharing her screen. She forgot to unshare.

She proceeded to open Chrome and search: "Can I sue co-worker if I get coronavirus because he coughed?"

Another employee said: "Your screen is showing" :/

I saw a guy building a website today.
No React.
No Vue.
No Ember.
He just sat there.
Writing HTML.
Like a Psychopath.

People giving Xcode bad reviews for being english only.

Stay the fuck away from development if english is a problem for you! 🤬

I'm already annoyed by the translation craze everywhere in development.

At least Apple remains sane in that regard.

Help him turn on his computer

The company I work for...
Has:

1. No CI/CD
2. SVN instead of GIT
3. Outsourcing to India (oof)
4. No Automated Testing
5. Uses Bugnet (ancient, outdated)
6. No clearly defined code standards
7. No real documentation on the code
8. Rubbish code
9. No desire to reduce technical debt
10. Poorly maintained DB
11. Poor outdated equipment
12. A useless PM
13. Still priotizes IE support (??)

On a scale of 1 to 10 how fucked is this company and anything they develop?

"We care about your privacy [...]"

That's why we make it ultra inconvenient to turn off all of our advertising trackers and give you a broken list of on/off sliders that are slow as fuck. Also, why not just press the 'accept all' at the top of the page? See that big green button? Yeah green is good let's just press it and get this over with right?

Oh and that 'deny all' button? Yeah, a shame nobody actually put some programming into that thing, why not just press the green button next to it? You're only making it harder for yourself y'know...

FUCK

PRESSED CTRL+C IN THE WRONG TERMINAL

BYE BYE HOURS OF WAITING 😞

Isn't it soo simple :/

Toilets and race conditions!

A co-worker asked me what issues multi-threading and shared memory can have. So I explained him that stuff with the lock. He wasn't quite sure whether he got it.

Me: imagine you go to the toilet. You check whether there's enough toilet paper in the stall, and it is. BUT now someone else comes in, does business and uses up all paper. CPUs can do shit very fast, can't they? Yeah and now you're sitting on the bowl, and BAMM out of paper. This wouldn't have happened if you had locked the stall, right?

Him: yeah. And with a single thread?

Me: well if you're alone at home in your appartment, there's no reason to lock the door because there's nobody to interfere.

Him: ah, I see. And if I have two threads, but no shared memory, then it is as if my wife and me are at home with each a toilet of our own, then we don't need to lock either.

Me: exactly!

You’ve all been there. Admit it.

Skype for business is a total fucking piece of shit.

In the last one and a half days I optimized our Angular UnitTests. There‘re written with Karma and Jasmine. Before the optimization they needed ten minutes for around 400 tests. Now the same tests are executed in 12 seconds.

javascript developers be like

"when you get a low priority ticket during a production outage"

Sometimes the challenge of the day is to stay professional.

Having a professional attitude. even when everything is going to hell.

Boss throwing up a huge source code that I didn't see before.

Boss: Hey, this is an app from a contractor to do XYZ.

Me: Oh, okay.. so?

Boss: You will continue the code and the maintenance now. How much time do you need to implement X feature?

Me: I need to see the code first, can't say nothing now.

Boss: ok I need estimation now.

Me: *getting nervous* I need to see the fuckening code first. if you want estimation now I would say one year..

Boss: what?

Me: what?

When you get paid for every commit or release to your app repo.

Does anyone enjoy their Windows development laptop? I fight with it so much. I would be happy to smack it hard with a hammer for all of the embarrassing things it has done in front of customers.

They are trusting me to build a multi million dollar system yet for some reason I can't join a Skype meeting, or my mic doesn't work, or the scaling on screen makes everything look oversized.

What am I supposed to say? "Trust me to build your system. I swear I'm not as retarded as I appear."

I'm really down.
I spent 10 years building on an application worth 800K$ revenue per year.

I tried to build a technical team. All left, because of fights with stupid account managers, CEO, business managers.

I was left alone for almost one year alone, working like 60-70 hours per week to keep the things going and adapt to more customers.

And looking for potential partners to outsource things.

Now out of the blue, 3 weeks before my summer holiday, investors introduce me to a "partner" that will rent to us a "developer" for 2 months. from tomorrow.
What the fuck I'm gonna do with him in 2 weeks I don't know.
Actually I understand that this "partner" will take over the whole project.

They used the word "to help me", but actually during the meeting they said to fix things that are not working, and to develop new features because the project is blocked.

Of course there are bugs, I have no developers with me and hundred of features and integrations to maintain. And of course everything is blocked because I have to think hard about priorities.

I feel humiliated in the worst way.
I don't know what will be my future position.
I wasted time contacting potential partners and the answer was always "there are no money".

The business strategist, entered one year ago and said "no more IT investment".

Basically as cofounder and cto (of myself), they will not fire me, if I stay silent. If I accept to be a puppet. And eat, eat eat a lot of shit. I'll grow fat from the shit I'll eat.
I feel I've lost all my hard work, and I'm alone.

I'm getting more frustrated every day. In the past 2 months the requirements have changed dozen of times, which resulted in so many unnecessary delay.

The date for the soft launch has changed multiple times as well. One moment there is going to be a soft launch, the next week they decide to launch earlier without a soft launch.

On top of all the annoying IT related issues, our CEO is on holiday. The only person left in the company remotely capable to replace him for a few weeks is me. So beside changing requirements and deadlines, I have to deal with a lot of other shit as well.

To make things even harder, most coworkers from our support department are on holiday. Just one person is left and his wife will be getting a baby very, very soon. Ofcourse, I'm happy for him, but taking over our support department as well is not what I'm looking forward to.

The soft launch is schedule for next Monday. I'm so tired and I'm distracted every day by non IT issues. The most important things work, but there is still so much to do and I can hardly concentrate. The two other parties who are involved are far from ready either and I have to find shortcuts for their problems every morning, because they can't fix it for themselves.

Well, at least writing it down here helped my stress a little bit :)

Project Manager: I want you to work faster and make the performance faster. No excuses

Specs: potato pc

That's why I never believe common sense when I write Javascript.

Made caffeine consumption personal record today. 11 cups of coffee (11*250ml = 2750ml). In each 250ml there's around 100mg of caffeine. 1100mg of caffeine in one day. Huh. Not bad. Yes, I am still alive and I feel so good.

I was getting bored and my salary had not changed for over a year. Answered a few headhunters' messages. Got an interview. Then - the second one. Got an offer with >2x the salary I was getting back then. I said I'll think about it

Came back to my office after that interview. 5 minutes later I got an outlook invitation for a performance review with my manager, scheduled for tomorrow.

During the review he appologised he had overlooked the fact that my promo and salary had to be bumped up a while ago. We had a nice chat [he is an amasing manager! I've learnt so much from him...] and he offered a 50% salary bump. There I go and reveal that I got an offer yesterday with 100% higher amount of € and asked if we could meet in the middle. He agreed :)

I was offered a lot and I asked for even more. And I got it! :) I've agreed to a 75% bump because I really like working here. It's an amazing employer.

No, thank you.😆