Everyone but me in my team touches the screen. Everyone except for my one co-worker G, she mashes it like the screen is at fault for the code being bad.

Me vs Facebook support

Me: I'm having trouble with xyz even though I followed your instructions. You have problems with the Arabic language*insert very detailed and professional explanation here with links*

FB Support: please follow the instructions here *insert link*

Me: I already followed those, that's why I'm asking for your help. Please provide detailed instructions.

FB Support: We can't help you, we don't provide detailed instructions, please follow instructions provided in said links.

Why the fuck are you called support then huh? I can read the damn documentation.. Hell I get paid for reading the motherfucking documentation!!

My mom uses an App to make free international phone calls with my aunts. But to generate credits in the app, she has to watch a lot of video ads, do a lot of stuffs in the app, which is time consuming & boring. So, I created an automation that keeps watching video ads, closes the ads when its done, downloads apps & runs them to get more credits, etc. So, the automation keeps generating credits everyday. now my mom can make free international calls whenever she needs...

Not my mom, but my girlfriends grandmother. I told her that I am a software developer, a guy who makes the programs which run on computers.

She became really excited about that, because finally she found someone to repair her 40-year-old radio. I told her that I have no fucking idea about radios, but she did not want to hear that. So I looked at the case, randomly pushed some buttons and again told her, that I could not find the broken part, let alone repair it. But she didn't listen and told me to open the case and look inside.

Sighingly I opened the radio, looked at the inner parts and told her once more, that I don't know anything about this stuff. She told me to look more closely. About to lose my mind about this pointless task, I finally told her, that "the transistor" is the problem and that the best thing she could do is to throw it away and buy a new radio. She was happy with that answer.

what am i looking at

A colleague was doing configuration on a server and needed to restart the network card.

So he clicked disable it, just to notice that his remote session died ...

Now where can we get a cab?

Never tell anybody that you know how to code...

We use emojis to maintain pull request status in a Slack channel

cropped

Shitcoding.jpg

This one time, a client wanted a complete overhaul of her website.

I asked her for the credentials to the VPS, She gave me some random crap to try, cause clearly the site hadn't been touched since 2003 (and boy was it fugly).

Me: Maam, these aren't the correct details.

She sends in more crap to try...2 days pass with this back and forth.

Client: "contact steve, he should have the login details"

Me: ****Calls Steve *****
Me: "Maam, he says the login details are in your mail"

Client: "well, I don't remember this fact. Steve handled everything.
Hack into the website and then reset it.

The Russians did not need login details to hack into America's system. So please, do what you have to do to get us moving."

No jokes...that was the exact crap that came out of her fingers

oh hey
it’s just me
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yet again

Sounds legit! 🤣

When doing an open source project and users ask for an iOS version:

Do you like to this mask?

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

So far, this is my inspiration to refactoring the code right after it works as gift to my future self.

*At a vendor meeting*
Manager: Is "sex" a required field?
Vendor: Yes, sex is mandatory
Me:

Feels good to be able to clean up code! Just changed an ugly 5-line while loop into a clean 2-line do-while. Now I just need the rest of my program to work 😂

Sitting in a dorm, chilling..

My new roommate: So You study Computer Science?

Me: *Here it goes again*

Roommate: Can you fix my HDD? Something is wrong with it..

Me: No...

Roommate: But..

Me: No I study computer SCIENCE! Go ask yout physics professor to fix your fucking trebuchet, because he knows how that stuff works..

Roommate: *Silence*

God... That was my best reply in whole life... Someone should make a shirt of that...

So first of all I want to say I am not a Fanboy of any specific language.

But holy fucking shit is ASP.net Core shitty, not only is it practically impossible to fucking start using it considering all documentation and tutorials are for the shitty outdated ASP.net but it's also fucking redundant with the amount of bullshit you need to do to achieve a task that should be a few lines of code.

Never in my life have I hated anything as hard as I hate that complete shit. On top of all that bullshit you have Fanboys always yelling "Oh but big corporations use it" like what big corporations? Microsoft and Microshit?

Like seriously larger corporations use fucking Node.js and even just C++ more than the shitty ASP.net and ASP.net Core. Don't get me wrong .net in general is pretty good but ASP.net is just a complete fuck up and should not exist.

Machine Learning messed up!

"You can't run Slack, Premiere, After Effects AND Photoshop at the same time with only 8 GB RAM!"
Me:

Hello General Da Vinci

Stupid shitheads among the web designers, fucking listen up. Your fucking design is not the point of websites - the content is. You are not supposed to shove the content away to have your moron design shine in its purest debility.

Yeah I know, white space minimalism yadda yadda, clean interface - and you dumbasses just remove functionality to simulate a clean interface, to the point of using hamburger fuckups on desktop. Pull your heads out of your asses, that's not how to design an interface! Not to mention that you idiots still guzzle through the megabytes and dozens of domain lookups for your chickenshit minimalism.

While we're at it, not everyone is 20 years old like you youngsters - you won't believe it, but there is life beyond 40, and while such age is unthinkable to you because you are so dumb that you will hardly reach that age anyway, others on this planet have managed to get there. No 20/20 laser sight, you know.

Fuck you with your light grey thin fonts on white background because it looks "clean", it just SUCKS you wankers. Fuck you with your stupid ghost buttons that don't even look like a button. You know how to operate the shit you made, but reality check here, users spend most of their time on fucking other websites than on the abomination you have designed!

Get that into the shit bubble that you call your brain and read WCAG 2.1! That's not only for disabled people, but everyone will be able to use that shit better!

If I uncheck your, by default checked, checkbox to recieve your marketing bullshit emails on your website.

Don't fucking send me an additional email asking me to subscribe.

Fucking cunts!

Why do people say that PHP sucks and at the same time use Javascript? I call that being a hypocrite.

The moment of truth

>dad nagging to learn python
>i hate python
>cuz i hate snakes
>whatever
>so started learning it
>with some awesome video tutorials
>even though i like the instructor
>i find the language
>boring
>uhh
>why do u use this?
>oh and you say it is easy 4 begineers
>oh good
>then why does only
>del keyword gets highlighted in pycharm
>just to look cool i guess
>lua is way better
>hope lua is more used than python
>and more supported
>but i still like C#

Moral: C# rocks

Why do programmers take so long in the shower?
They read the directions on the shampoo bottle and follow them to the letter:
Lather, rinse, and repeat.
If only shampoo used for-loops in their instructions...
while(hair.isDirty){
hair.wash();
hair.rinse ();
}
while(hair.isDirty() && !shampoo.isEmpty()){
hair.wash();
hair.rinse();
}
Come on man, we should still stop if we run out of shampoo even if the hair isn't 100% clean yet.
while(hair.isDirty() && !shampoo.isEmpty() && tap.waterStillHot()){
hair.wash();
hair.rinse();
}
This could go on forever, I mean the adding of special cases.

try {
while(hair.isDirty() && !shampoo.isEmpty() && tap.waterStillHot()){
hair.wash();
hair.rinse();
}}
catch(sexException) { self.f___(spouse); } // spouse showed in in mid-rinse
catch(deathException) { spouse.arrangeForBurial(self); } // user died while showering
More importantly, you also need to catch a hairNotFoundException in the event that the user is bald. Or more properly, wrap the whole thing in "if(hair != null)". You don't want bald users throwing an exception every time they shower.

-- From a reddit feed a while back.

So we have this really annoying bug in our system that customers keep complaining about. I've explained in detail, multiple times, why the part they think is a bug is not a bug and the workaround they keep asking me to apply doesn't make sense, won't fix the issue, and won't even stick (the system will notice that the record they want me to delete has been removed and it will repopulate itself, by design).

I've told them what we need to do as an actual workaround (change a field on the record) and what we need to do to properly fix the bug (change the default value on the record and give proper controls to change this value through the UI). We've had this conversation at least three times now over a period of several months. There is a user story in the backlog to apply the actual fix, but it just keeps getting deprioritized because these people don't care about bug fixes, only new features, new projects, new new new, shiny shiny new.

Today another developer received yet another report of this bug, and offered the suggested workaround of deleting the record. The nontechnical manager pings everyone to let them know that the correct workaround is to delete the record and to thank the other developer for his amazing detective work. I ping the developer in a private channel to let him know why this workaround doesn't work, and he brushes it off, saying that it's not an issue in this case because nobody will ever try to access the record (which is what would trigger it being regenerated).

A couple hours later, we get a report from support that one of the deleted records has been regenerated, and people are complaining about it.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄