This might come off like i'm so full of myself, but its just true.

This probably happens to so many other girl devs as well, so this might be relatable.

Why can't guys at school, work, etc. just be friends with me? They often start liking me as more than a friend, causing me to disappoint them that I don't, and then they don't want to be friends anymore.

I get it, there aren't many developer, 'gamer', reasonably attractive girls out there, but damn it kinda sucks :/.

It's a natural response. They have to try. I would try as well, but if you would reject me then I would just be friends.
Having a dev/gamer girl as friend is awesome

@azuredivay exclusive-friendship? that's a first

I find its the other way with me... I'm scared of talking to girls at work because I'm worried they'll think I 'like' them when I don't, I'm just trying to be friendly :(

@Jonnyforgotten nahhh don't be scared! and if they do think that and ask you, you can just say no ;)

@marthulu It's the not asking and strange looks and gossip I'm more worried about ;)

Hmm I guess I'm a bit weird as a guy with zero hunter instinct, and quite picky when it comes to sexual attraction. Hard to describe a "type", but for me only a few percent has precisely the right eyes and smile and way of moving her arms and stuff.

I had a whole bunch of female friends in high school, and people asked me whether I was gay — Even though I'm not stereotypically gay, or attracted to guys. I had a girlfriend outside of school, and with other girls I was just not that flirty, clingy or overbearing.

I always thought it's kind of funny how there seems to be a difference where guys are all over any girl with very little concerns about her character or intelligence, while girls in turn are often super picky and on the defensive even with a guy they might have romantic feelings for.

Maybe it's a biological thing, maybe cultural, but I don't feel like that hunter prey dynamic offers any advantage in finding the *right* girl.

@bittersweet Exactly! You sound like someone I could be friends with ;D.

But yea I think girls know that guys enjoy 'hunting' their 'prey' as well as that they don't want to be viewed as 'easy', in the slut type of way.

@bittersweet exactly, me too. 😁

Relatable.
Sad thing is, I can understand their disappointment but I can't and won't change who I am and what I feel for them.
"You don't want to be my girlfriend, so I'm not your friend anymore" somewhat hurts. It makes me question the friendship from its very beginning on.

On the other hand, I have some good guy friends (also devs) that never tried to be "more".

Would be just friends. I found my love. However id be worried because i usually have this problem with female coworkers wanting to be more than just friends. And than hr gets involved. Why cant female workers just be friends and not hit on me constantly. God. True story lost two jobs because of this. Female managers who are lonely Are the Worst. It happens to more than just female devs.

I can relate. Simply do what I do and ignore them. Sooner or later they will take the hint, unless they are that ignorant and continue. :)

@skprog Ugh that sounds so stupid. That must be so difficult since females are so much more often believed to be 'victims' rather than guys.

Why not? It's only natural.
If you're single, and they are as well, attempts at knowing you and getting involved in a relationship are what's called "socializing", and it's how 100% of couples were formed between the era of arranged marriages and dating services.

It can be overwhelming, sure, since you're probably the only girl in the group, and advances are probably made from every single guy, but there is nothing unnatural about it.

Want it to be better for other girls? Convince more of your friends to join the path you're walking.

@AndSoWeCode But I'm not single.
Also, if I were in a class with multiple girls, there wouldn't be such interest (I take this experience from high school). And socializing doesn't have to involve any flirtatious advances.

I mean they can't help it if they like me, but It's kind of sad because I just want to make friends.

Also, "convince more of your friends to join the path you're walking" has many issues.
1. What friends?
2. If by friends you mean female acquaintances, all the girls i know have a very different field of interest.
3. You can't just 'convince' someone to like something.

Can't relate.

I had my first contact with "dev culture" at my current job and those couple guys who don't have kids yet are either married or about to get married. Never asked about the age, but they are all well ahead of their college days.

@marthulu @AndSoWeCode

I think it's limiting if you think the basic form of socializing is flirting and it's natural for it to always end in romance/sex.

Even if you're single, what's wrong with just making friends?

When I met my girlfriend 15 years ago she was more into girls. Our relationship started out as highly romantic but also very asexual. I had this super attractive high school friend who I slept with... and that triangle felt fine for all three of us. Later I developed a more intimate relationship with my girlfriend, but that took time.

There's a girl at work I often flirt with jokingly, we very much share something on a certain level: hobbies, humor, music, but it's very clear to both of us that it's a good friendship. With most people, men and women, I'm absolutely not interested in their various meaty housings, but there's still a social bond ranging from superficial to very meaningful and deep.

@marthulu I think the most important thing, always, is honesty.

There's about a thousand different emotions and words to describe relations, desires, interests. Communicate them directly, openly and as early as possible.

I think it's better to tell someone: "Damn you look hot, if you feel the same let's have sex, but I don't want to call you in the morning" or "I love staying up all night with you staring at the stars and discussing poetry, but I hope you understand it's not a romantic thing for me".

Sure, in some cases it might be a bit awkward to bring it up, but using words you can paint your social life using a very broad palette of relationship types, and decrease hurtful suspense for all people involved to a minimum.

@Michelle I think it would be more efficient to be "friendly but blunt" than to ignore.

@bittersweet
Ignoring gets the message across though.

@marthulu I know, right? A constant dilemma - how to make IT look less like a sausage fest. Would've made my teen and young adult years much less awkward.

But that's what this is! You're an outlier. You're an unexpected element in an otherwise uniform medium.
You're viewed as almost a perfect human being that everybody wants to spend time with.

I'm not saying it's fair, and I deeply sympathize with you trying to have a normal social life without weird romantic advances when you're not looking for some.

Maybe you could try this. Might help, might not:

Be mean, but kind. Make mean jokes at people, but with good intentions. Be the "bro" that says "you suck and your outfit sucks" when someone asks how they look. Maybe not that bad from the very start, but ... try to get what I mean. For guys, being a kind girl who makes funny innocent jokes, or (have mercy) some naughty ones, it's a major invitation to flirt the hell into any conversation. But being the "bro" changes that immediately.

I'm not sure what it is.
This happened at the last years of school; I was a good friend with this one girl and didn't want to be anything more than that. But still, I got this huge urge to ask her about her feelings. I made it very clear that I didn't want to ruin the relation that we had with the question. Yes, it seems really rediculous, but he agreed and denied her feelings about me as I was expecting. But for no reason we didn't get along after that.
Go figure. Life's strange.

@marthulu it's basic human nature. Actually happens with lots of man. Not something you can stop.
When I develop a liking for a girl/woman, I would rather die from being shy but will never let my felling get to her. Fear of losing the friendship we have

But what makes me angry is how people are running after money and girls. I mean, in my country, when most of guys enters college, it's like a door for him to heaven having beautiful womans all around ready to be with you and fall in love with you. So college has become hunting grounds for them to search their love partner. No goals, no self esteem. It's like if you are not having a girl friend at college or not talking to any girl, you are not enjoying your life

@theScientist
No, I don't ignore right away. It's usually my last choice, if they guy continues.

Shouldn't have to be common, yet it very much is. I'm engaged (and my fiance actually works at the same company as me) yet still have to deal with being accused of putting men in the "friendzone". Just do your own thing and pray more female devs get hired

Also forgot to add it's very disconcerning seeing people mansplaining this post...of course you can't relate..you do't have to isolate, get talked over, treated like an idiot, etc.

Guys just don't want to get into "friendzone". If they are interested in you but you don't feel the same way, it's their best choice to stop thinking further. It can be better or more maturely presented instead of saying "let's not be friends". This might be a mental self protection mechanism, not according to anything but just my personal view.

I have the exact opposite problem. I just want to have female friends but every time I ask a girl out they think I want something more that just friends. So they friend zone me and I block them because it's annoying. If I ask a male friend to go out he doesn't start his sentence with "BUT LETS JUST BE FRIENDS".

@RaspberryPi little bit similar to my case

Not gonna lie, it's male subculture bullshit left over from the "oh no girls" nerd culture. Sounds to me that you just need a more mature brand of male peer. To be corny: you need to meet men, not boys. That hurt to type.

Well as I have met you now I can say I would not mind just being friends with you at all. I don't get the whole gender obsession anyway. Sure I was suprised that there was one woman present at the meetup as females are under represented in our industry. Can be annoying at some point but mostly when they are dicks about it.