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kiki
95d

I don’t fucking deserve to live. I’m but a lump of emotional scars. My brain instantly forgets the good, but relives the bad every single day, every hour, all traumas in parallel. I remember every moment and every detail of every traumatic event that happened to me.

Kiki’s body is a prison where Kiki’s uncontrollable brain tortures Kiki.
My body keeps twitching. PTSD flashbacks are unbearable.

I don’t see any reason for this abomination to exist. There is nothing to salvage.

I did everything in my power to regain control and stop the suffering: fitness routine, seven years of treatment with all kinds of psychiatrists, pills, sleeping routine, true love, cutting ties with toxic people… it didn’t help

Nothing ever helped me. I never stood a chance.

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  • 7
    95d
    Try some couscous.
  • 2
    95d
    every time you feel bad, concentrate and inverse the feeling exactly

    oddly works
  • 3
    95d
    On a day you have to say to yourself: "These trauma's and stuff are from an old kiki, I have nothing to do with this shit and accept that you are something new, with a clean slate.".

    Because many things in live seem unforgivable so it's easier to pretend it happened to an old version of you. That's what I do.
  • 2
    95d
    It sucks to not be able to find peace.

    I don't know how you can find it tho. But I wish you inner peace. I wish you could feel calm and content.
  • 1
    95d
    @Demolishun that's kind of mean man
  • 1
    95d
    Damn, as a software developer I relate so much to the feeling of unescapable suffering and stress.

    Question: do you think if you lived in the woods with your pets and beloved ones would help?

    Because if I need no money and could live of the land, damn I'd give up every single javascript framework on earth.
  • 1
    95d
    @danae357 I'm bipolar. Without meds, I'll die very quickly.
  • 0
    95d
    @kiki Damn, cluster B twinsies, bpd here, didn't think of that x_x
  • 1
    95d
    @danae357 stay strong!
  • 2
    95d
    Don't be so negative kiki. There's a lot of joy to be found in life. But with most things, you'll have to go out and find it

    Be kind to yourself
  • 2
    95d
    Oh yeah and go and eat something for gods sake
  • 2
    95d
    @12bitfloat thanks man
  • 2
    94d
    Everything is the only way it can: meant to be. There is meaning in that -- every heartbeat is a gift that in all likeness would've not been, but somehow still is.

    You tell me: just what and __who__ is deserving of the impossibly convenient, billion-fucking-years chain of cosmical events that leads to their existence? Is any of us that good, really? The answer is no, yet here we are. So bask in it, for fuck's sake.

    But I get what you mean, I think, so here, have a song: https://youtube.com/watch/...
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