Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares but for development companies/teams. Please make it happen.

OMG YES !

YES!
I want to see it NOW! That's a great idea. I want to see what's rotting in there kitchens and how a Ramsey insults the ones responsible.

I want in now.
"Your code is so messy, that I saw one homless trying to find something in this trash"

Did you just committed and pushed right up of your arse? Undo this you donkey.
- Gordon

I volunteer my job. And my last one. Save me.

That sounds awesome, yes yes yes!

Uh, come work for my company and send shit code into production. I’ll fuck you harder than your daddy did.

Look at that! Everyone, come here, just look at that!... taste it, what’s the first thing you notice?
He’s used a public static string to hold the active user’s id on an mvc app, dev
Yes! He’s fucked it, he’s completely fucked it... you, come here you, fix that now, you shouldn’t even be holding the variable in that scope, are you trying to kill someone?

No dev, I’ll fix it now dev

No! Janelle, you fix it, I don’t trust this idiot with my controllers and actions anymore

a little while later.
Everybody! Everybody, stop, come here now
Type a fucking double quote into that input box, go on.
Yeah, yeah, what’s that!?
The input is unsanitised, dev.
Yep, which prick left a big old wide open door to our database!?
Me dev
You again!? Out you prick, fuck off out of my open plan desk areas

Both, are real issues, I found in prod, by the same dev.

Dev #2

All of you! All of you, stop, here now. Which fucking idiot pushed this to the master branch!?
>public static bool isValid(){
>//write validation function
>}

Me dev.

Were you ever going to finish it!?

Yes dev, I swear that’s why I left the note there.

It’s been there since last Christmas you prick, don’t fucking lie to me.

Is it valid!? Is it?

This particular gem is referred to as Developer A in the office now because some of the stories could constitute slander if I were to name him.

We’re down to the final 5 and it’s Developer A’s turn to run the pass.

James! Stop! What did you do!?

Fuckall dev, why? What’s causing you trouble?

My unit tests have stopped working.

Good job dev, me and Developer K have been working front end HTML only, we can’t have kicked your unit tests over.

We’ll see about that, I’m checking the blame.

About 15 minutes passes.

Developer A: Fixed it.

Developer K: Told you so.

Developer K is a good guy but I’ll use his initial because it’s been a while.

I’m British too if it helps.

This could definitely work as a show. Small scrum teams pissing about with their agile nonsense.

Personally I’d love to put 12 PMs in a room and watch how long it takes them to work out they’re all PMs and nobody in the room can actually do the work. It’s my version of saw but where the set up is an outlook calendar invite with a vague title GDPR project kick off or something. And, the end game is they all die of starvation.

Just a heads up, that became more Hell’s Kitchen than kitchen nightmares but I still like the concept 😂

You use what for version control, you fucking donkey!

@luper I legit have had this conversation when someone tells me how good mercurial or cvs is.

WHAT ARE YOU? An idiot sandwich.

@jamescodesthing I was thinking more along the lines of pictures in Dropbox haha, but yeh that makes no sense git for life haha

@luper

Git for non-binary life... fuck tracking a history of your binary image updates in git, 100+mb repos are a shit.

The amount of times I’ve had to thrash a repo to remove old images from the history is way too many for my liking.

Adobe cloud, a CMS or an AWS bucket for images. Otherwise, long live git, all hail.

Someone needs to develop a system for that. Unless you have any suggestions bruh?

@jamescodesthing to true man. No suggestion but maybe a future project

@luper

Fancy forming a start up? ;)

For me, cloud has worked fine for serving binaries... I still know devs that use a blob in a database then get a shock when the bill is 200x what it would be for flat file and 20x the storage space.

We use AWS buckets for the most part, but CMSes for static... works relatively well, I’d love an all encompassing solution that keeps my repo lean and my binary changes tracked.

Might go back to using image compare like this set up... but for the image comparison alone: https://css-tricks.com/automating-c...

It works beautifully and it’s a shame GIT was created before this requirement really came about.

Fuck I’m having ideas now

I could probably hook this up on a pre-commit hook to parse all known images and flood them through an image comparer, upload to a bucket and show the differences on a ui timeline with a url rewrite in place.

Well, I know what my weekend project is now. Thanks for helping talk it through 😊

@jamescodesthing haha I feel like I contributed very little. Sounds like a fun weekend though :)
I swore no start-ups until I graduate haha

@luper

Hahah that makes you a senior partner with a C-O title 😂

Good luck with the graduation bruh!

This code is so tangled that I could serve it as spaghetti!

@byte-me I liked that one 😂