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It all makes sense now...
Just found the best dev ever.
https://alcohollick.com/tfw.html
When you're trying to publish your first Cordova app and the PlayStore release including signatures and stuff takes you 2.5 hours, while the AppStore release takes you 5 days (including getting a huge Mac on your desk, signing up a D.U.N.S. for your company, figuring out the signing/provisioning process and fixing CSS/JS exclusively for iOS).
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ios
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cordova