I have a serious issue with anxiety, i have an unhealthy way to cope with pressure and I don't know how much will affect me in the future.

Right now I'm your average developer, i write code, makes test, commit stuff and deploy ... and i'm happy.

But seems it's not enough ... you gotta be a speaker, a leader, make showcases to customers/stakeholders the more you go up the ladder.

I'm not that. Fuck. I guess this is the kind of skills part of the Senior Engineer package companies requires.

I just wanna write code, deals with other developers and fuck off the PR part.

<.<

I've already been in the role of "teacher/speaker", I just can't fucking do it. It completely drain me, it was painful for my mental health and it doesn't get better over time.

"Just keep doing it... it will be easier".

No fuck, it isn't

I taught some dev stuff about a class of 25 people, i got "STELLAR rating 5.0/5.0" not even a single motherfucker put less than 5 stars while rating my speech.

My company hyped the shit out of it, like i'm some kind of guru.

I know, i'm aware i'm a decent speaker... but fuck i hate it.

The paradox of being good at something and hate it wholeheartly.

That might be the case in your company, it's not the case everywhere. Find somewhere that's happy for you to code well, network with other great Devs, and he happy.

I am your average developer

Brother, we are all average developers here. No one claims to be the "best developer" in this industry, simply because they will get clowned for it.

Regarding becoming a leader/speaker, don't force yourself into doing that. Ease you way in if you have to, that way you will have minimum chances of making mistakes.

For us a senior has to be someone who mentors others and steers the direction of the managers/department into making the right technical choices (e.g. investing in tests, deciding on what tech debt tickets todo, running Dev meeting to decide these, etc).

I don't think you need to become a show pig to become respected. Depends on the place you work.
Ask your line manager what they're looking for in a senior

On another note, how do people with social anxiety cope with this? Do y'all take some form of treatment? I have never felt this, so I cannot relate, but I can still feel for people that go through it.

One of my employees gets absolutely nerve-wrecking nervous when having to speak in public, so I take it upon myself to cover for him. As long as he gets to talk to the rest of my team in proper terms (which he does, he is highly eloquent funny enough) he is fine and I don't mind being the "department face" outside of our office, I think it is expected of me as the manager. But I understand this is not the case everywhere.

Is there treatment or medication that y'all can take?

@AleCx04 That's the neat part - we don't.

@Sid2006 that sucks major donkey dick. I have to take medication that helps me with stress and I am pretty sure it does something for my anger and anxiety. I don't take it often cuz it numbs the fuck outta me, but it helps keep me grounded from time to time.

@AleCx04 holy crap man... I can't imagine what hell someone must go through to be at a place to require medications.

My equivalent of taking meds is smoking weed. I haven't smoked some in like 2 months, cuz my life is going normal so far.

@Sid2006 it do be like that. I am fine really but I just get stressed out quick as shit and lose my temper very easily. Not a threat to others or anything like that. I normally shut myself out when in a shit mood.