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After debugging this shit Java program for 2 days fucking straight, finally this shit works! Hallelujah!
Turns out, if you want to enable local DCOM/COM+ on windows, you have to not tell the piece of shit firewall that it should consider the network "public"...
WHY?!?
IT'S FUCKING LOCAL! NOT A SINGLE FUCKING NETWORK PACKET IS SEND! WHY?!?
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