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DO NOT LIE ON YOUR RESUMÉ!

I don't understand why people do this. I understand that some shady recruiters like to "gin up" the occasional resumé, but I'm talking about the people who write that they're familiar with MySQL and can't even write a SELECT, or the people who write that they're familiar with Python and can't describe the differences between v2 and v3.

And the interviews are awkward as *fuck*.

I: "So it says you're good at MySQL, could you answer a few questions about it?"

C: "Uhh... okay"

I (sensing danger): "Why would you add an index to table that already exists?"

C: "I.. don't know"

I (oh jesus I see where this is going): "Okay, we'll skip that. How would you query across a couple of tables?"

C: "Uh...."

I ([internally screaming]): "How about a single query on a single table?"

C: "I don't know that, sorry..."

I (desperately wanting to ask why the FUCK is MySQL on your resumé?): "Thank you for your time, we'll call you."

You almost feel sorry for the guy, but come the fuck on, did you think nobody would check?

Comments
  • 15
    Maybe start with, "What have you done with MySQL?"

    I programmed Python 2.x for seven years. I only remember one difference off hand: print vs print(). I don't internalize shit I can look up.
  • 2
    You shouldn't lie about knowing certain things, but lying about irrelevant things might sometimes be crucial to get past HR. Then again, do you want to work at a company that has odd requirements?

    Also, the company can always lie to you as well.
  • 2
    @Demolishun Honestly, if you can't even remember what a JOIN or UNION in any SQL variant is, you are pretty much done anyway.
  • 3
    @kescherRant I don't SQL unless I have to. Most of the time I use a framework that abstracts it all. I don't put it on my resume either.
  • 4
    @kescherRant

    Lying about technical knowledge that was called out specifically in the job posting though? I'd think that "don't say you know $thing if you don't know $thing" would be common sense.
  • 5
    @Demolishun

    How do you abstract an SQL database in a way that you don't need to understand SQL....

    I'm afraid that this will certainly lead to a clusterfuck of generated shitty SQL that runs slow as fuck.

    Abstraction != No knowledge needed

    Just because you have a map of your internal organs doesn't mean you could do an appendicitis
  • 5
    @Karunamon
    Most job postings are bullshit. You don't check the boxes, you don't pass the HR screening app to find out what wasn't bullshit. They should know how to do basic shit, but I would ask if you've somehow missed the routinely impossible job postings idiots post these days (10 years in swift, for example).

    Where I'm at, you'll never see an Indian resume that doesn't claim all knowledge, so you'll never stack up on paper if you don't follow suit. You play the game by the same rules or you lose by default. If someone doesn't know something pass on them, but realize how the recruiter proxy infested industry presents your company to candidates.
  • 1
    @Demolishun what @IntrusionCM said. Generated SQL is often unoptimized.
  • 2
    @Karunamon I've got my first internship by applying to a LAMP position. The posting included 1 year experience with python, java and ruby each and advanced linux administration skills.
    Python because the CTO dropped a half sentence at some point that he would like to switch to Django eventually
    Java because "That's what you use in the browser, isn't it?"
    Ruby because the HR lady heard it was cool
    And I've never gotten closer to a linux server on the job than using sftp.
    To my luck I had a common acquaintance with the PM who knew that they were actually looking for a newbie who knows PHP and frontend and told me to apply.
  • 5
    @IntrusionCM When did I say I don't understand SQL? You don't need to be a genius to select, insert, or update to a table for a data store. You also don't need to be a genius to select from multiple tables to pull data back out. I don't do anything very complicated with it so I don't need to know shit about it. Most of the stuff I use it for is a glorified data file with sqlite. It is a means to an end, not my daily job. Which is why it is not on my resume.
  • 1
    Holy shit okay i thought you were going to say "Okay you know MySQL; i have this table structure and this column layout; write an optimized query without...." or something specific. Those are literally just db concepts how can you not know about that shit??
  • 3
    Don’t say shit you ain’t got but you don’t have to be 100% honest. You started working with X 2 years and 3 months ago, but they say 3 years, fuck that put 3 years and see. Getting ghosted because you aren’t employed, put”-Present” fuck em that doesn’t define your skill, just jumping through HR bullshit. But yea don’t say you have done things you are completely unfamiliar with
  • 5
    @kescherRant exactly. I prefer to write my own unoptimized sql thank you very much :P
  • 0
    @Demolishun My fault. Misunderstood your statement. :(

    Sorry!
  • 2
    Nope. How am I supposed to get a job if i dont have to lie? Am I supposed to write: "I dont give a shit about you, i just need money and i will rant about every time if you piss me off"?

    HR people wouldnt buy it SMH.
  • 0
    @AleCx04
    You: optimized SQL
    Google: Did you mean Neo4j?
  • 0
    @IntrusionCM No problem. Yesterday I was feeling paranoid, defensive, anti, and passive aggressive. It was a "fun" time had by all!
  • 0
    @SortOfTested i actually said Unoptimized sql :P but NoSQL would fit that very well
  • 0
    @AleCx04 same to me... I love my Sql, I don't like these ORMs... It's enjoyable.
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