To all the people giving advice in my previous rant (https://devrant.com/rants/1627035/...), thanks!

I've spent a weekend running high and naked through the forest, and decided to quit my job.

Fuck PHP. Fuck Laravel. Fuck hipster startup companies. Rasmus Lerdorf, Taylor Otwell and my CEO can all go suck each other's cocks in a sloppy mess of saliva, cum and type errors.

I'm so sick of spinach smoothies and weakly typed languages. All active record ORMs are retarded, VueJS is worse than JQuery, Fatal error: Call to a member function iHatePHP() on null. WHY DOES PHP EVEN HAVE METAPROGAMMING METHODS, WHY THE FUCK DOES LARAVEL CHOOSE EASY OVER SAFE.

I'm going to use my heavily abused Macbook to surf out of this mess, on a collapsing wave of unresolved bugs.

On to the next PHP/Laravel job at a hipster startup!

I am a simple man. I read "I've spent a weekend running high and naked through the forest", I upvote.

Best of luck for job hunting, I'm currently doing the same :D

@Drillan767 Luckily the job market in my region is very good.

When I changed my status on LinkedIn to "actively looking" at 2am, a head popped out from under my bed: "Hi, I'm recruiter Bob, can you scoot over, maybe give me a pillow, so we can discuss opportunities?"

@bittersweet I uploaded my CV on Monster, and got 20 phone calls the day after, and I have basically one job interview every evening this week :D Totally forgot about LinkedIn though, thanks for the reminder!

Ah the high naked forest run, followed by an angry "I quit!".

Classic.

Good luck dude!

Fuck Taylor Otwell?

No...
No you...
You..
You didn't

You don't know what you've done...

It's ok Taylor.. He.. He was kidding!.. He's fucking high.. He's just a kid.. Taylor....

Give.. Give him a .. Chance...

Nooooooo

Run @bittersweet! Run!

@AlexDeLarge Yeah I'm looking (ideally) for a company using multiple backend languages.

I'm extremely comfortable with PHP and frameworks, but would love to be able to spend like 30% of my time on something else.

Haskell/Rust/Elixir would be incredible, but even just combining it with less ideal languages (Go, Ruby, Python, Java) would be much more bearable to me than working on PHP code 100% of the time.

I also very much need to work in a company with a CTO, or at least someone other than me who cares about the big picture. Currently, someone screams "I WANT CSV EXPORT", and csv export is built, regardless of how it influences the tech stack or platform usability overall.

So there are more and more places where we plaster everything with bandaids, without having a "grand vision" anywhere.

Imperfection is OK, but the issue for me is that my coworkers all seem indifferent. They get a task, they build it, bulldozing over previous structures, as long as tests pass it's OK.

@rant1ng Maybe it's not Taylor Otwell's fault. He makes a framework for retards, and serious businesses think it's a real product.

To give just a small example: The way hydration of models is set up is extremely fragile.

When accessing $user->name, name is not a defined property on the user model, it's dynamically generated from the DB. It jumps through six hoops, calling getRelationValue, checks if relationship is loaded or exists in the relations array, check if method exists with that name, calls getRelationshipFromMethod...

That's a lot of magic to use when asking for a simple property.

Now if you call $user = User::select($columns)->first(); -- that dynamically generated property might not even be in the query.

This is not all Otwell's fault.

PHP, in my opinion, should throw an exception when accessing non-existing properties instead of returning null.

But Laravel fucks you over with 6 layers of magic, making sanity checks in your IDE all the more impossible.

@rant1ng Also he is really bad at selecting PRs for the framework. He often merges rewrites which change core functionality on a whim, while quality-of-life additions which do not break backwards compatibility are closed without reason.

@AlexDeLarge Yeah I think I'm going to dive into Phoenix over the next couple of days. It looks really interesting.

@AlexDeLarge I paid ten whole dollars for "The Complete Elixir and Phoenix Bootcamp" on Udemy a year ago, might as well give it a go :D

Pics or it didn’t happen? I believe there’s some CCTV of me high with just jeans on in an elevator scaring residents somewhere.

I can't help but keep chanting this tune @bittersweet

I don't know as much as you about programming,

If I were you, and I could positively identify real problems with a very big and popular framework that I have rarely if every seen criticism on (apart from jealous haters, which you don't seem to be)

then I would make my own framework.

Not only would it be deeply satisfying, as I would control my own code and destiny, but it would make me rich.

But I've been an entrepreneur since I was 17, so , that's just how I think automatically.

And I don't have the coding skills currently to do that. I still write ideas down though.

The point I"m making is, you seem like a super intelligent guy, maybe it's time you did your own thing? Somethig meaningful?

If that interests you, write down all ideas from this point forward, no matter how stupid they may seem atm.

Or, hyou know, get high and go out int the desert this time, see what happens. Worked for Jim Morrison.

@rant1ng

I could not make a better framework for PHP.

The problem is that PHP has convenient shortcuts such as traits, __get() and __callStatic(), things which are abusive to the idea of OOP and type safety.

Laravel uses all these shortcuts heavily. This makes it easy to read, and easy to use for a small API or custom CMS.

User::whereName('Bob')->get()->each->notify(ResetPasswordNotification::class) is pretty succinct and relatively easy to read.

It constructs an SQL query to get all users named Bob, and sends a notification email to each of them.

But that syntax comes with a price. whereName looks like a method, but doesn't exist and flows through __callStatic, so your IDE has no idea what's happening. That "->each" looks like a property, but it's a callback.

PHP doesn't support generics or arrow functions, so Laravel hacked them in.

Either you make a tedious correct framework and call it Symfony, you make an easy broken framework and call it Laravel, or you ditch PHP.

@Brolls goddamnit I thought you were @bittersweet and got seriously confused for a few moments

@RememberMe oh man

I can't... I can't resist it..

all us white people look the same huh?

lol... sorry.

legitimately confusing in this case

@bittersweet

what about other projects? do you have any sellable ideas floating around?

@bittersweet even though I don't know you, and I'm more of a lurker here in DevRant, I'm sincerely glad that you've found a way out of the mess you were in.

Good luck on the job searching!

@rant1ng Haha, fishing for ideas, classy...

What about an API which sorts recruiters on LinkedIn by how punchable their face is, then sells their meaty bodies as biomass in exchange for carbon emission certificates?

Get rid of recruiters, solve climate change, and get rich, triple win.

But wait until I have a new job, I need those scumbags for now.

@bittersweet

if you knew me, you'd know, I am overflowing with ideas, I don't need any, thanks

My problem is that I have way, way, way too many of them

I'm just trying to help bro

I could give you one of mine, I got tons of good ones. I've been writing ideas for software down since I was 19, that's 20 years ago.

I'm actually creating a company within the next 5 years that will mass produce software, it's been something I've wanted to do for almost all of my career.

Just trying to help you jog your brain man, you sound like you want to do something meaningful, and the only way I know to do that is to do it yourself.

But yeah, that could be a good idea... not sure about the murdering part though lol man you guys must REALLY fucking hate recruiters

why not make that idea more practical? is there a recruiter rating system or app somewhere?

@bittersweet

recruiter rating app.... if that's not being done, it should be

I'm not even going to explain why, that's pretty self-evident isn't it?

-expose their practices

-give a voice to frustrated coders

-help fight back as a team

-tap into a lot of frustration

etc ?

@rant1ng OK but where is the part where some of them are incinerated and sold as a sustainable energy source?

@bittersweet you'd... have to talk to an engineer I think

and also, several, several, teams... of lawyers

@rant1ng recruiter rating app is a great idea xD I will suggest my boss to add this to our platform. We only allow CTOs and Tech Leads to contact developers for new opportunities, so I think it would fit perfectly haha

@jackuuuu

you know, the more I think of it, the more I want to do it... fits in with other projects I'm doing, one would backend/upsell the other, etc

BUT THAT'S MY PROBLEM

too many fucking ideas, lol please, keep me posted?

would there be a github or something? maybe I should start a collab

@rant1ng i think that's a good problem to have :P

Anyway I'll talk to him tomorrow and keep you posted!

In any case I think a project like this should be collaborative haha

Spinach smoothies are awesome though